Hayden and Rowan of Venice: Chapter 1

This is first chapter of my story, after the prologue! Hope you like it!

This takes us back through time, about 9 years to when I was 4. I had coils and coils of springy brown curls, that eventually flattened themselves out, and large, wet eyes that gazed at everything they laid upon. My pudgy cheeks and hands and my rosy, freckled complexion, fooled others that I was a cute little girl but to tell you, I was no tamed kitten. Far from it, that would have been the last description about myself on my mind.
Well, at the time, everyone was fussy and cranky. Stressed out with things on their minds and weight crashing down on their shoulders. Maids talked with attitude, and guards, well, men don't exactly become cranky but their beards and moustaches drooped with extra wrinkles and creases under their eyes from lack of rest. No one cared when I announced that i was going to play Treasure Hunt. (the object of the game was to find valuables and hide them under my bed)
The maids in the kitchen just said, "Go on Hayden! Don't bother us now! This chicken has to be cooked down to perfection!" and grumbled grumpily. So I just left them in the kitchen with their chicken.
Crouching low like an animal stalking prey, I crawled on all fours and crouched behind cabinets and doors and hid in tight dark spaces where spider webs caught onto my hair and face.
Mama's room was filled with jewels and delicates. I had found a pot of gold! From the corner of my eye, I saw a tiny bottle on her shelf. Could this be candy, I thought?
So, because of my generousity, (don't know how to spell it...) I gave Guard Sir Nicolas, who guarded the door in the basement, some of the candy drops I had found. He graciously took it and suddenly, as if his head were spinning, collapsed to the floor, legs weak and arms limp. I didn't care what happened but then I realized it wasn't candy. The glass bottle, that came in a wrapped package, was Mama's sleep medicine. Now I had a guard asleep, Treasure Hunt just got to the extreme! I opened the door, which had a white X painted onto it and carefully stepped inside. The Prohibited Area...

I had coils and coils of springy brown curls, that eventually flattened themselves out, and large, wet eyes that gazed at everything they laid upon. My pudgy cheeks and hands and my rosy, freckled complexion, fooled others that I was a cute little girl but to tell you, I was no tamed kitten.

Okay, most of the time its okay to describe characters like this, but like this, in the first paragraph and from first person, it seems weird. Because its in first person. How many people actively describe the way they look in detail that intricate. Most people don't, especially four year olds. Maybe wait a while to add this paragraph or tone it down a bit, mention that her hair is brown and strait, that it used to be curly, maybe add the eyes, slowly, because like I said, most people don't think about how they look.

"Go on Hayden! Don't bother us now! This chicken has to be cooked down to perfection!" and grumbled grumpily

I don't think your necessarily need the word down in there. also, the grumbled grumpily, try looking for a synonym for one or both of the words, they're almost to similar to be that close.

Okay, that was pretty much it, as for the spelling, I did find a few errors, and for future reference there is a spell check button when you post something, it may come in handy next time. Also this section was rather short, perhaps finish the entire prologue before you post it because it stops rather abruptly, and if this is the entire prologue (also possible) like I said, it stops rather abruptly. Maybe add a bit more on how this is significant, what made this event so special that she remembered nine years back to when she was four. I know I don't remember much from when I was six, let alone four.

Well, it's not at the part yet. The important part.
Then you'll see why she remembered 'the event'.
Thnx for the tips! i'll keep that in mind while I write.

Michellel96
I feel so awkward. I feel so young.