You only have to use one exclamation point. Also, italics are less distracting than caps.
Please double space your dialogue. It makes it much easier to read.
About this, it seems to skip around randomly. I don't really know your characters. I'd like this better if you added a little more description, and said who's talking more. I lose track. If you introduced your characters one by one it would be easier to know them.
It seems kind of random that Cassie would be concealing her eating disorder for so long, and then suddenly decide to tell Li about it. Maybe you could show her thoughts before she admits to it? Does she want to get better?
I'd like a little more on Cassie. At some parts she seems snobby or mean, and at others she seems really nice, and insecure. I don't understand her, lol.
Thanks for posting this! Good luck writing the rest.
-Jenna
Jennafina's Love Your Body Already Dammit Campaign
I've updated Chapter 1.
As for Chapter 2, something seems to be missing--the end seems to cut off, but I'm not sure where to finish from there. Any suggestions or criticism?
(removed for possible publishing)
Last edited by McMourning on Sun Jun 10, 2007 12:19 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway
Hello again! By double space your dialogue and paragraphs, I meant like this:
Cassandra trudged down the stairs, just waking up. Liana was already up and about, though still in a daze. What was going on? Why were there doctors in the kitchen? Jake was nowhere to be seen, and Marissa was still at work from the previous night.
Liana drowsily headed back upstairs, bumping into her sister, “Cass! Cass, they’re some strangers in our home!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Downstairs…there are three men and a woman in scrubs. I caught a glimpse of the woman’s coat; on it was an ID that read, ‘Doctor Melinda Johnson.’”
“Ok….And what do you expect me to do what? If a bunch of zany doctors broke in, what can I do about it?”
“I don’t know, but I just thought you’d want to know.”
“Well, yes, I do want to know, because now, I must create an escape plan. Maybe, we could climb out my bedroom window, and sprint for the bus stop…”
See? It looks so clean and airy! ^_^
The girls seem really unsurprised by the doctors' break in. They're discussing it rationally, and not spending much time wondering why they're in there or if they should be afraid. It seems a little unrealistic.
I still don't know who's who. You've got a lot of characters, and so far their personalities aren't really distinct from each other.
You might want to consider putting it in only one person per chapter's point of view. It could make it easier to keep track of all of them.
Your plot has got some really interesting twists! I look forward to seeing where this goes next. Keep up the good work!
-Jenna
Jennafina's Love Your Body Already Dammit Campaign
Hello, again!
Thanks! By now, I've already done that and fixed several punctuation mistakes that weren't caught. That would be why it says I've edited my post 4 times.......odd...I'm not normally like that. I tend to fix my punctuation right away, as soon as I've typed the sentence.
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway
