The Untouched chapter one

"Gosh does this woman ever shut up." Jeff thought as his new guidance counselor drug on and on.
She had on a gray pant suit with a white shirt, all together her outfit was very dull. She had no makeup and she was pale without it. "Welcome to Lake Side High. I hope you enjoy your first day here." She said a little to sweetly as Jeff tuned her out once again. Jeff is a seventeen year old guy, he has a five year old little sister named Ashely. Jeff has sun bleached blond hair and is tanned from all of the days he spent out on the beach. He also has screaming silver blue eyes that make the girls come crawling. He is wearing blue jeans with a loose shirt that has a surfing logo on it. "We take pride in our students and I hope you will not do anything to mess it up for yourself. The only time I want to see you here is when we are talking about your credits. Do you understand?"
"Yes, I do understand and I also hope I will not have to come here for other reasons too." Jeff says while rolling his eyes because he is so bored.
"That's just what I wanted to hear." She says with a huge smile on her face.
"This is stupid the only females I want to talk to are the young hot ones."Jeff thinks to himself as a slow smile spreads across his face.
"Well once again I hope you enjoy your day. Goodbye."
Jeff says goodbye and thanks her while silently thankful that he is leaving. He turns slowly and walks out of the room to start his first day at a new school.


"Dude, your mom and dad did not want to wait and let you finish your school year? Third nine weeks is almost over, in a few weeks." Tyler says in amazement.
"Yeah, they decide they wanted a change in atmosphere so we moved." Jeff says as the bell ring for the end of lunch to get out and head to fifth period.
Tyler is also in the tenth grade he has green eyes and brown hair. Unlike Jeff he likes to skateboard, Tyler lives and breaths it at ever waking moment. He is also the very first person to talk to Jeff and now he knows that they are going to be best friends for sure. When they get to their fifth period class Ms. Lee is at the board. She turns to them and tells them hello,
then she gives him a place to sit. He is just one chair away from Tyler. When Ms. Lee hands him a textbook he looks through it. When he hears the door open he looks up to see a girl come in and hand the teacher a paper and sit down in front of him. She has nutmeg hair and a heart shaped face she also has a light tan. She is wearing jeans and a blue shirt with a light jacket. "Hello, earth to Jeff come back you just got here you can't leave now." Tyler say while laughing.
"what? I'm sorry I did not here you."
"Nothing. Well maybe I should tell you, I would not mess with Ayla." Tyler say now with a serious look on his face.
"Who?"
"Ayla."
"I do not know who that is."
"Oh yes you do the girl you were just staring at." Tyler say the grin returning to his face.
"Oh that girl and her name is?"
"Ayla, I just told you that."
"Oh Ayla well maybe things should change. Maybe I should try to get to know her yeah that's what I will do." Jeff thinks to himself as the teacher calls the class to order.

I think your description could use a little work. Its not that you don't describe the people good enough its just that you need to blend them in with you story.

Jeff is a seventeen year old guy, he has a five year old little sister named Ashely. Jeff has sun bleached blond hair and is tanned from all of the days he spent out on the beach. He also has screaming silver blue eyes that make the girls come crawling. He is wearing blue jeans with a loose shirt that has a surfing logo on it.

Like this. You have a whole paragraph of describing. Try adding these is so that you story flows.

The only time I want to see you here is when we are talking about your credits. Do you understand?"

I don't think this sounds like something a counselor would be saying. Maybe try it like this:
"I hope that the only time I see you here is when we
are talking about your credits

...as the bell ring for the end of lunch to get out and head to fifth
period.

The first time I read this, I was confused by this sentence. Try rewording it.

Other things that I noticed is you have capitalization errors at the end of the story. Try fixing those. I thought this was good, but confusing at some parts. These are all of the suggestions I have. Keep it up!

"Gosh does this woman ever shut up." Jeff thought as his new guidance counselor drug on and on.

This sentence didn't really make sense, drug doesn't belong here did you mean droned or dragged on etc?

She said a little to sweetly as Jeff tuned her out once again.

The to should be too.

Jeff is a seventeen year old guy, he has a five year old little sister named Ashely. Jeff has sun bleached blond hair and is tanned from all of the days he spent out on the beach. He also has screaming silver blue eyes that make the girls come crawling. He is wearing blue jeans with a loose shirt that has a surfing logo on it.

The description is clear, but it doesn't flow with the story it seems seperate as you're just suddenly going into a description and moving from it. Like you've just put it there for the sake of it. Maybe trying something like 'His hair was bleached blond from the sun and his skin had a tan from the days spent out on the beach'?

"This is stupid the only females I want to talk to are the young hot ones."Jeff thinks to himself as a slow smile spreads across his face.

The speech marks make it seem as if he's speaking out loud.

"Dude, your mom and dad did not want to wait and let you finish your school year? Third nine weeks is almost over, in a few weeks." Tyler says in amazement.

This sentence seemed a bit confusing, The last part is a bit sort of heavy with the weeks.

hey erin. since I told you what I thought of it earlier I'll just touch up on some things.
first I argee that you kind of jump into details of the characters,and second you got some mistakes that the others said.
I think thats it talk to ya later

love ya
E.J.