Rebellion

I understand that this is only a fragment of an unfinished work, but it still remained confusing to me. there seemed to be several inconsistencies. For example at the beginning Anna seemed to be just meeting Cassie, but by the end it seemed as though if they were not friends they were at least acquaintances. There were several other inconsistencies, but again I can't really judge until I see the context.
Best,
Denae

You can't base a story on dialogue. You see, writing is like giving touch and taste and feeling to one who can only see black and white words on a page. Here's my advice I give to all new writers: READ. Hemingway, E.E. Cummings, Emily Brunte, Joyce Carol Oates, Melvin Burgess, Edgar Allen Poe~~~go crazy on your books. Then start to write.

And whatever you do, keep practicing.

but it still remained confusing to me.

I agree with that, and with misty.

a)Theres no hook. People are going to read this easily because its short, but be thinking "right... what the bother...?"

b) Theres nothing in this. I know its only a bite size piece (finally!!!) but it seems like youre racing things in this. Im assuming that this is the beginning, so where is everything? We dont know where we are, we dont know whos who, we know pretty much nothing, except that people call cassie cammie. we dont know anything basically. This needs to be longer and, which brings me to...

c) you cant base this on dialogue alone, as misty said. Theyre at their lockers, id assume, so what do they see? What do they feel? What do they smell? Im not expecting this to be crammed so full of description on the 5 senses that it seems like a thrown together english assignment, but there is nothing here. while i type this, i cant help but think of this (maybe cos im hungry):

think of this piece as a jelly donut (yummm!!!!) only theres no jelly... its empty... you need to get your cooking needle thing (what are they called?) and pump jelly into the flat donut body, filling it with delicious strawberry jam rather than just sugary dough. sugary dough is for plain donuts, i want some jam in this story!!!

I dont think that will help, but theyre are plenty of other examples i could use.

This story is a flat tire, or an empty stomach or a lung without air. PERFORM CPR ON THAT LUNG!!

also, this sort of thing seems like a paragraph that belongs halfway through the book. If Anne is new and calls Cassie Cammie cos she doesnt know any better, tell us that. We want the beginning so we arent left dazed and confuzzled. However if Anne is the residential bully or something, then tell us that. And if this is a conversation halfway through the book, tell us that too. Readers are a tricky audience. they can easily lose interest if something is too challenging to read and understand.

Give this another go. Youre head is in the right place but your effort is on vacation... (perhaps tanning at my local beach? its hot enough for it). remember, writing is 10% imagination, 90% hard work, so if you keep at something and give it all youve got, youll breathe life into it and create something great.

phew! I really hope this helps. I got into a little thing, then forgot when to end. lol.

Thanks for the advice! I understand what you are saying. I probably should have included the foreword about Cassie's and Li's relationship.

Misty, I do read, 3 books per week, but I have trouble finding stories I can connect with and enjoy. There are some "classics" that I enjoy, but for the most part, I don't enjoy reading stories. Partly because they're all description, no talk. It drives me crazy, but when I try it my way, I get criticized.

I do see what you are all saying, but I will not completely change my story from dialog to description.

This "Bite" was from the second page of the story, but still the beginning. Here's the actual beginning, which takes place a day before:

Cassandra stomped down the hallway in her high heels, they were way better than boots. Some girls turned and ran down the hallway, others simply stared in awe. What? Had they never seen Cassie before? She always wore these heels.
Liana, on the other hand, had no one stare at her. Her bag slid from her shoulder onto the ground, in front of her locker.
“Move over,” Anna screeched. “You’re in my way.”
“No,” she turned back to her locker, and gathered her school supplies before hurrying off down the hall.

It doesn't make any more sense, and it's useless to defend yourself saying that you *do* read 3 books a week. It isn't always easy to find books you connect with though, but if countless people have connected with them before you, you can make an effort.

And, I hate to break it to you, description is vastly more important than dialogue, but if dialogue is done well *which in this case it isn't* then it can be good.

The beginning didn't make sense.

See, I don't get why it doesn't make any sense. It all makes perfect sense to me. Of course, that's the part I need help with: some of my peers think it makes sense and others (like you) say it makes no sense at all.

I never said that I don't make an effort to connect. I simply stated that I cannot connect to the 3 books per week. The books in this world lack the necessary components to connect with me.

Now, that being said, I should probably go seek aid elsewhere, because I know others like me (both the reading and writing aspects). So, I should probably look for a group specializing in my type of thinking. And how to adapt it to the world's perspective, so others can understand our thoughts. My friends call it "out-of-the-box", I call it abstract. Call it what you may, there are those of us who are different from the majority.

Thank you for your help, though!

See, I don't get why it doesn't make any sense.

Because theres no jelly.

See, now that, makes sense. I needed that "no jelly" part to understand.

Okay, so right now I'm working on adding DETAILS. I have some ideas in my head, that will hopefully explain it better than the dialog alone. But, I will keep the dialog, because I think dialog is the best part of a short story.

Thank you, Lucy!

youre welcome!


I like jelly

Hmm...I don't know whether to start a new thread or to post it here. So, here's the slightly revised version. There are descriptions on why actions occur during the conversation as well as physical descriptions of Cass and Li.

Rebellion (Revised, Fragment, Begining)

Foreword
Cassandra's Blog Entry 2007-01-27 15:35
My lil sis and I are only a month apart, but she looks up to me as her older sis.

My lil sis and I were both adopted, that is why we look different. My real mother abandoned me, left me in a dumpster behind her school. The janitor found me and turned me into the nearest hospital. I was tested for DNA, and they found out who I was, which is how I know my birth date. They say my mother was 14 when she had me, and my father was a 17 year old. They had a one night fling, which is why she didn't want me.

Anyway, Marissa (my new mom) was a nurse there. She was my foster mom until I was 7. Then, they were able to track down my real mother and get her to sign adoption forms, so I could belong to Marissa and her hubby, Jake.

Li, on the other hand, was legally theirs from the start. She was born in China, but her parents didn't want her, because she was a girl. (Boys are more honorable. Some women even get an abortion when they find out it's a girl.) Anyway, shortly after Marissa and Jake married, they adopted her. She was two at the time, so she doesn't remember China...but we are very into bringing her up in a Chinese style. We both know basic Mandarin words, for example.

Chapter One
(removed for possible publishing)

still no jelly in the dialogue at the end, and there were things like sad faces and the word sis that arent in books. consider changing them as well, then youll be getting somewhere

Thanks, Lucy!
Although, the reason I used "sis" in her blog is to show that Cass is still human, is still a teen using short-script. I have seen several recent novels based purely in short-script (for example TTYL).

I will change the sad faces, though! And, I'll consider changing "sis".

Thanks for all of your help.
Have a great weekend.

Meh... I'm going to be bluntly honest, okay? Don't get too hurt, I hope.

The blog entry was horribly annoying. If the rest of the story is narrative, what is the point of the blog entry? Other than what you obviously made it, an entire info dump so rather than showing us the story piece by piece you could drop the info about your two main characters right away.

I have seen several recent novels based purely in short-script (for example TTYL).

There is a discussion some where on YWS about these books (TTYL) and whether or not they really can be called fiction... Perhaps I'll have to try and find the link for you

Anyway, the 'blog' entry or Forward is an information dump, all of that stuff we can find out through narrative.

And then for the next chapter it was just ...boring. What happened? Oh, teenage stuff. I always see teenage stuff. This wasn't even good teenage stuff, like kids fighting in the halls over drug deals while two feet away girls fight over another girl. Don't you love fake lesbians? My point is, your story (so far, mind you) is dull and doesn't 'pull me in' You have no hook, and a hook is something every book needs. It's estimated that if you don't have a hook within the first three paragraphs (or at the most, the first page and a half) the reader will stop reading. What makes your plot interesting? Why do I want to read this story? So far, we have no idea what is going to happen, and what the rest of the story is going to be built off. Generally, there should be something, even if it is only small to the plot, there should be something to tell us where it is going. Or, at least, want to make us read more.

A good way to get us in is to get us to relate, and care for your characters. Your characters are flat-ish cardboard. Try character development techniques, try to make them real through actions and habits of both movement and speech.

I realize you're young, so you're new to all this and so all this information is like WOAH to you—it's new and kind of scary. And it'll look that way for a while, but eventually it'll click and you'll get a hang of this.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Maybe I'll look for that thread for you

Claudette wrote:A good way to get us in is to get us to relate, and care for your characters. Your characters are flat-ish cardboard. Try character development techniques, try to make them real through actions and habits of both movement and speech.

That is why I joined a Character Development user-group, it just took awhile for my membership to be processed/accepted.

And of course, this piece is no where near finished. I work better when I receive feedback while in the writing process, not after I think I'm done.

Now, to address the blog, I had a page-long narrative to present most of that information, but I decided to use her blog entry, because it was an easier way to "dump" it onto the reader. Why did I want to dump it?
1. So the reader knows it going into the story, although I could always slip these facts into the first paragraphs, I suppose.
2.I enjoy a look inside the character's thoughts, which, again, I could always place in the actual story.
3. I recall reading it in a series when I was little...although that may have been the reason I stopped reading the series only a quarter way through it.

I see your point, and I will work on inserting that into the beginning of my tale, instead of throwing it at the reader.

Thank you!
Have a great day!