Killer (Over 16-Involves graphic violence and bad language)

Prologue

I walked around the corner of the dark, moon-lit alleyway, my fist clenched around the handle of the blood drenched metal hammer. I could see my reflection in the pool of water by my feet. The purple bags below my eyes were worse than ever, my face was splattered with still warm blood of the woman, three parallel lines of my own blood ran down my right cheek. The bitch had scratched me just before I beat her with the hammer. I guess I deserved it, I was trying to kill her after all. My eyes were blood shot and distant. I looked like a bloody lunatic, a murderer, the types you imagine when you here about murders on the news and the ones in films.

The police sirens were getting louder. I knew I should have killed that bloody bus driver, the one that saw me with the hammer. No. That would mean I have murdered fifteen people. Fourteen is enough. For now. Anyway, I don't want to kill innocent people. Only the ones that deserve to die. Yes. I laughed out loud. It wasn't just a laugh though, it wasn't even a chuckle. It sounded psychotic. Crazy. Desperate. . . Scary. . .

I started to run. Try and get the police off my tail. Perfect. An open door. I charged towards it and hid inside, waiting for the police cars to shoot past. Hoping they will find the dead body before they find me. That will distract them. I searched for the light switch and turned it on. In my shock, I dropped the hammer, splattering the blood on the floor. Three police men stood by me with their guns pointing at me. Aiming to kill. "Bollocks," I muttered under my breath. In one final attempt to save my own life, I swooped down, picked up the hammer and span it towards one of the coppers. The bangs echoed through the night. The last thing I saw before falling to the ground was my hammer. It hit into one of the police men's head, knocking him down. My blood pumped out of the holes in my chest and neck, spreading across the floor. I was dead.

More coming soon. . .

hmm...pretty interesting uptil now.

Chapter One

ONE MONTH EARLIER

The dragon swooped down with its huge jaw wide open, it’s razor sharp teeth glistening, and it’s slimy tongue flickering. Its brilliant red wings covered the sun and most of the sky as it descended above my head. The blue of the flame ignited in its mouth and it shot towards me.

I woke up screaming, I could feel my blood dripping down my face. I wiped it with my naked arm and then noticed it was only sweat. Another blasted dream. The same one again. It’s always the same bloody one, but it fools me every time. I have seen a shrink about it and she said that sooner or later the dream will change. Yeah, right.

I rolled over to hug my beautiful wife and noticed she wasn’t there. Was it today that she was visiting her auntie in hospital? I got up and done the usual morning routine before walking down the stair to get some breakfast, peanut butter on toast. As I walked into the small dingy kitchen I noticed an odd smell. I looked up and saw my wife, hanging from one of the wires out of the piano. Her neck was slit open by the thin metal piano wire, blood was dripping from her. The pool of blood on the tiled floor spread across most of the kitchen. I could feel my vomit coming up my throat but I couldn’t stop it. The mixture of her blood and my vomit looked revolting. I started to feel dizzy and fell to the floor. Everything went black.

I woke up to an odd smell and a hard sticky surface. I opened my eyes and remembered the horror. I ran away into the living room. The piano was sat in the corner, the lid open, a wire missing. Who could have done this? Lilly loved her piano. She was one of the greatest pianists alive. Who could do this? Why? Then it struck me. I suddenly thought of the twelve people she had gone to Music College with. They all hated how good she was on the piano. They wanted to be better than her. It was them that had killed her. It had to be. Who else could it have been? After I had figured it out, I walked to the phone and called an ambulance.

Chapter Two is coming shortly. . .

umm... what?!

Are theses cliff notes/summaries of chapters and such, because this leaves the reader completely and utterly confused, nothing makes sense. Also you say 'I' a little too much (it might just be me, i personally find it really hard to write something decent in first person).

Also the chapter is way too short, it needs to be fleshed out, add more description of his surroundings, the smells, what there is to be seen, smells, etc. It just needs to be fleshed out more.

Thats my two bits.

DQ.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna wrote:umm... what?!

Are theses cliff notes/summaries of chapters and such, because this leaves the reader completely and utterly confused, nothing makes sense. Also you say 'I' a little too much (it might just be me, i personally find it really hard to write something decent in first person).

Also the chapter is way too short, it needs to be fleshed out, add more description of his surroundings, the smells, what there is to be seen, smells, etc. It just needs to be fleshed out more.

Thats my two bits.

DQ.

Ok. Thanks. I was kind of thinking about changing it into 2nd person. I can write better in 2nd person so I don't really know why I even started in 1st. I can do better descriptions in 2nd person too so I am going to change it.

Thanks for your help.

Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review

*

I walked around the corner of the dark, moon-lit alleyway, my fist clenched around the handle of the blood drenched metal hammer. I could see my reflection in the pool of water by my feet. The purple bags below my eyes were worse than ever, my face was splattered with still warm blood of the woman, three parallel lines of my own blood ran down my right cheek. The bitch had scratched me just before I beat her with the hammer. I guess I deserved it, I was trying to kill her after all. My eyes were blood shot and distant.

Dark, moon-lit, can you see so much of your reflection in an alley at night?

I looked like a bloody lunatic, a murderer, the types you imagine when you here about murders on the news and the ones in films.

‘here’ = hear

I started to run. Try and get the police off my tail. Perfect. An open door. I charged towards it and hid inside, waiting for the police cars to shoot past. Hoping they will find the dead body before they find me. That will distract them. I searched for the light switch and turned it on. In my shock, I dropped the hammer, splattering the blood on the floor. Three police men stood by me with their guns pointing at me. Aiming to kill. "Bollocks," I muttered under my breath. In one final attempt to save my own life, I swooped down, picked up the hammer and span it towards one of the coppers. The bangs echoed through the night. The last thing I saw before falling to the ground was my hammer. It hit into one of the police men's head, knocking him down. My blood pumped out of the holes in my chest and neck, spreading across the floor. I was dead.

This was rushed. Gosh, slow down a little with details and since the police have guns wouldn’t they have shot him while he was down or when he tried to axe[?] them?

I woke up to an odd smell and a hard sticky surface. I opened my eyes and remembered the horror. I ran away into the living room. The piano was sat in the corner, the lid open, a wire missing. Who could have done this? Lilly loved her piano. She was one of the greatest pianists alive. Who could do this? Why? Then it struck me. I suddenly thought of the twelve people she had gone to Music College with. They all hated how good she was on the piano. They wanted to be better than her. It was them that had killed her. It had to be. Who else could it have been? After I had figured it out, I walked to the phone and called an ambulance.

He immediately thinks her old ‘pals’ from college did it? Be a little more realistic, most would think of psychos or Jack the Ripper-types.

*

I think you mean third person, right? Second would be 'you are doing this/ that, etc'.

Why not swap chapter one and the prologue over or something, prologues usually are something that has already happened and the story concludes from that. Usually.

I’d go with DQ, too short to say or be of much help. Give more details, descriptions, and work on the character. Others only you will know what occurs and readers are left baffled.

-- Myth

very cool

Really dark and evil my friend. i didnt know you wrote these sort of things.

I aint much of a horror fan but i enjoyed it.

I didnt enjoy the fact that it was first person. i aint much of a first person fan as you know.

Anyway look forward to some more.