Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

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Squinting into my tiny compact mirror, I pouted my lips and slid more gloss over them.
“Don’t you think that’s enough, babe!” Lily laughed, “That’s at least the fifth layer you’ve slapped on tonight, and we’re not even at the bloody club yet!”
“Oh Lily,” I shook my head, “You have so much to learn. A girl can never have enough gloss on.” I fluffed my hair and glanced into my mirror again, trying to catch my look from every angle.
“My God, I’m hot.” I exclaimed, “I hope there are loads of gorgeous guys at Ruby tonight, because I cannot contain my hotness. Seriously, don’t you all think I’m hot?” I asked my girls, Lily, Kelly, Nadine and Frankie.
“Can’t say I disagree with you, babe.” Kelly smiled.
“We’re all looking pretty good tonight!” Nadine said, “Those guys had better watch out, ‘cause we are going to eat them alive.”
I adjusted my skirt. It was far too long if I wanted to get a guy. Peering out of the taxi window, I saw the crowd which had already formed outside Ruby.
“Poor cows,” Frankie said, “They’ll be waiting ages to get in.”
“Thankfully, we’re the prettiest group of girls that bouncer is ever likely to have ever seen in his life.” Lily smirked, sliding a hairclip into her poker-straight hair.
“How can you be so sure that he’ll let us in, no questions asked?” I said.
“Oh come on Lucy, a wink and a smile can usually get you anything, so don’t worry!” Lily reassured me.
“’Ere you are, darling, “ The taxi driver turned round and leered at me. As Frankie paid him, the rest of us clambered out, and pushed our way to the front of the queue.
“Well, well, what do we have here, a gang of line-hoppers, if I’m not mistaken. And what makes you lot so certain I’m going to let you do that?” I lowered my eyelashes and looked at the guy in such a way that would turn a gay man on. I smiled seductively, knowing it had done the trick, and he stepped aside, mesmerised by us.
“Damn, you’re good!” Nadine congratulated me. We sashayed into the club, neon lights flashing, and we made a beeline for the bar.
“Check out the bartender, Luce,” Nadine whispered in my ear.
“Oh God, they even employ hot people here,” I replied, glancing around to see if there were any other gorgeous guys in the immediate vicinity.
“Go for it Kel!” Lily shouted and put her thumbs up at her, as she spotted Kelly in the corner being chatted up by a blonde guy in really tight jeans. “How long do you reckon it’ll be before he gets his tongue down her throat?” She asked Frankie, Nadine and me.
“Not long,” I answered, “They’re getting pretty close.”
“Right.” Frankie said, slamming down her empty glass, “If Kelly can get a fit guy in the first few minutes of stepping into a club, when she’s shy as anything, so can I. I’ll see you girls later.” She smiled and disappeared off to the back of the club, leaving Nadine, Lily and me at the bar. We chatted for a while, watching the seemingly endless streams of people file in, until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, only to see the hottest guy I’d ever seen in my life. His shoulder-length dark hair flopped over his right eye and he brushed it to one side. He was wearing a crisp white shirt, with the sleeves rolled casually up to his elbows, and loose-fitting dark jeans. He looked divine.
“Hi, I’m Brad. Want to dance?” He asked, in a sexy southern drawl. I was speechless. I nodded, not believing my luck, and he led me to the dance floor. I glanced back to Nadine and she raised her eyebrows jokingly and grinned. I turned my attentions back to Brad and he smiled and placed his hands on my hips and began to dance with me. His touch made my head spin. Putting my arms around his neck, I breathed in his gorgeously sweet scent and rested my head on his manly chest. I couldn’t believe what was happening. We slow-danced, despite the fact that heavy dance music was pumping away in the background.

This will be continued...
Last edited by sevendeadlysins on Tue Feb 20, 2007 7:15 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Lots of love from... The Gothic little fairy x




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"I pouted my lips and slid more gloss over them." - "slid" sounds odd to me.

"It was far too long, especially if I wanted to get a guy." - You seem to contradict yourself.

"“Thankfully, we’re the prettiest group of girls that that bouncer is ever likely to have ever seen in his life.”" - Repeated word.

"As I Frankie paid him" - ?


OK I'm not one for this kind of stuff so I won't criticise the content.
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna




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Thanks for your comments, I made alterations where you mentioned. :D
Lots of love from... The Gothic little fairy x




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Well done, but try to get more description in about the others. The reader gets a good look at the narrator but not so much the people she's with. I really like where you're going with this, though. Keep up with the great work!




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Your conversation isn't very realistic. I get the impression that these girls are supposed to be self-absorbed and full of themselves, but i can't imagine anyone talking like that all the time. That's the biggest thing i noticed.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
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I'm not so into this sort of writing myself, and I've never met anyone in real life with that kind of confidence. I can't really critique it, but I do have a question: Are you the girl with the seven layers of lipgloss and short skirt 'sashay'ing, or did you imagine it?

If that's you tell me where you get your confidence.




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Sadly, no, I am not the girl. :roll: Unfortunately I don't have that much confidence. She's just a figment of my imagination. :D

Janey
Lots of love from... The Gothic little fairy x




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I'm with you sevendeadlysins! But Misty, girls DO talk that way. Trust me. I should know! ;)

Not that I'm hot or anything, but let me replay a scene that happened just a while ago for you.

Me: "Like, o'mygosh! Giirrrllllffrrriiieeennddd! It-has-been-so-long-we-absoloughtly-have-to-catch-up-on-everything!!!!!"

*puts hand on hip and flashes a I'm-such-a-ditz-smile*

Other Girl: "O'm'gosh YES!!! Like, me an' brittany are like THIS!"

*holds up two fingers crossed*

Me: *ditzy laugh* "Yew are soooo rite!"


:) Yes, indeed. Girls DO talk that way. *laughs*

Me and my friend love to try and outdo each other with ditzyness, though, really, it's all a show.




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Lol! :D
Lots of love from... The Gothic little fairy x




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Maybe some people do...but not normal people :P Joking, joking. I'm not that girl either, sevendeadlysins, but perhaps someday. It's best to write about what you know, in any case.



The quote generator! That's a genius idea.
— Necromancer14