chapter 2

When AJ could no longer hear the music and all of the noise she stopped to look around her. To really see the area she was always in but there was not much to see. Just some trash and a few dark alleys. So she just kept walking. It was starting to rain harder and she could hear the thunder in the distance. She could also see lightening flash across the sky. It was actually a very pretty sight to see.


Whenever she let mind wander she thought about of what Chis said to her
and her anger boiled. So now here she was soaked, cold and so angry she thought. "What is the point of my life?"
That's when it happened. The lightening struck and she heard a voice that sent chills down her spine. "ALISSA, LISTEN TO ME I'M HERE WITH YOU AND I WANT TO PROTECT YOU!"
"No,I don't care what people say.I know you are not real. There is no God!" AJ shouted with rage while sobbing.
"I'm just hearing voices in my head." she thought to herself.
"ALISSA LISTEN TO ME-"
"No I won't listen if you are real then don't talk, just show me!"AJ shouted.
Then everything went silent as if nothing had happened. AJ looked around her. All she saw were some trees here and there. Then she glanced up just in time to see the tree split in half by lightening and fall toward her. She had just enough time to throw her arms out in front of her face as it slashed her arm. While all of this was happening she was thinking "Oh God, oh Lord, I finally believe your there. At the last minute because of your sign and now I'm going to die."


When it was all over and she was still alive she looked up in amazement. As pain shot up and down her left arm. As she held her arm to her shirt she looked across the street to see the old church. It was no longer in use. Tonight there was something strange about it. The church had a glow about it. AJ clutching her arm tight to her stomach walked over to the church. When she got to the front door she felt the need to open it. Even though she knew it would be locked. To her surprise it opened. So she stepped into the room then turned to close the door. It was a very pretty church. It had dark red carpet and stained glass windows. "Hello, Alissa I'm glad you decided to come. I knew you would." A voice said from behind her.
She whirled around an old pastor. He wore a long white robe with a cross around his neck, he had short white hair and kind blue eyes. She knew she should be scared but for some reason she wasn't. "You really knew I was coming?" AJ asked really more shocked because he knew her name.
"Yes, because you are tired of your way of life and you want a change."
AJ started to cry. "Yes, that is just what I want. i want to become a christian. Can you help me?"
"Yes, of course I will help you but once we are done that does not mean you will have an easy life. It will get hard and then after that it will get harder."
"Okay I think I can handle that."
Then he took her up front to the alter and they prayed together. Then as he promised he helped her find just what she wanted most in life.


"Now about that cut. Go get some cream and it will be gone in a week."
"Thank you so much,I wish I could do something for you in return."
"You already have. Now go."
AJ got half way down the aisle then she turned back one last time. She saw that he was gone. When she stepped outside she saw it was no longer raining. As a matter of fact it looked as if it had never been raining at all.
Now it was a beautiful night. AJ sighed in awe and wonder.

When she gets home she tells her mom and dad everything she had ever done. She also tells them what had happened. She tells Jessica and Jason that she loves them so much and that she never hated being their little sister. All is forgiven. When they all head to bed each with a smile on their faces. A leap in their hearts and some tears in their eyes. AJ notices for the first time in fourteen years she feels at home. also for the first time she has a dreamless sleep. Knowing she has found her place in her life meant just for her.

THIS IS WHAT I CALL IMPORANT, SO LISTEN UP

Stephen King said something very important in an 'everything you need to know about writing in ten minutes' arcticle. You ought to read it. LISTEN TO THIS, AND NEVER FORGET IT.

if you want to preach, get a soapbox, go to your local park, and see what luck you have. if you want to be a writer, WRITE


He said that you may not---not!---attempt to indoctrinate somebody with your own theology--philosophy---whatever!---unless it went hand in hand with the story you were writing.

What you do here is like a slap in the face. It is what I would call a disgrace to both writing and Christianity. I am a Christian and a writer, and so I can see that your heart is in the right place. We strive to reach the world with the message of God.

But read something I wrote. You won't find Jesus' name and blood scrawled across the place in wretched grammar and grand signs. Christ, the Savior, God, the Father, the Holy Spirit, the Triune Godhead, these are all incredibly subltle influences. If you want to tell the world of the Creator, speak of the design of the trees and the bird's feather and the erosion of the earth, the Flood, the old stories of Adam and Eve. Let everything you do be gentle enough for the reader to see it and think, Yes, God.

And for God's sake! Learn grammar!

ANOTHER EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THING TO PAY ATTENTION TO

You are not a writer if you write as a hobby. You are not a writer if you do this as a little 'side thing' to fill up your time. You are a writer if writing to you is as breathing. If this is your passion. If this is what eats your soul in the morning, what you think about it when you lay breathing at night. If the plot twists and the eloquency and the literature is what drives you, what you love, then you may call yourself a writer.

If you can't be bothered to close your mouth, and open your ears when someone tries to give you guidence, if you can't even thank them, or accept the people who would try to help you as having some sort of higher motive, to teach you how to write, if you can't read the classics, make grammar your new best friend, for godssake at least use your spell-check then I have no idea why you're here.

Space out your lines for easier reading--not just after somebody says something, when there's a paragraph to be had. Make it easy on us to read it. Don't be lazy.

And hey, a final thing. When somebody gives you a four page critique with all their writers' tips in it and advice, thank them, would you?

There is a lot here to critique, so I'm going to sum it up by saying: buy a grammar guide, and listen to the following tips.


TIP ONE: CLICHE-ITY: Just some trash and a few dark alleys.

She is a party girl. Her 'random scene' is some trash and a few dark alleys. Sweetheart, there is beauty in "some trash and a few dark alleys," and eloquence, and character, and life. But you sum it up so vageuly, as though the settings, what makes up her life, doesn't even matter.

You make something that could be so gorgeous sound absolutely trite and cliche. This cannot happen again.


TIP TWO: CLICHE-ITY: REVISITED! When it was all over and she was still alive she looked up in amazement.

Need I say more?
Need I really?

TIP THREE: A PEEK AT RELIGION: ALISSA, LISTEN TO ME I'M HERE WITH YOU AND I WANT TO PROTECT YOU!"

Kill me.
It's just those lessons in subtlety you missed.

TIP THREE: HIGHER POWERED BEINGS MAKING FANATICAL PROMISES "Now about that cut. Go get some cream and it will be gone in a week."

I like to say that when a person is a writer, they are the God of their own creation. Call me a heretic. I also pray sometimes, when I write, to make sure God influences what I write, etc., so don't think me sacreligious.

But don't play God like this. Don't act like you can drop in some angel/priest prat and say, "Here ya go child who had a tree fall on her from god, rub this on and it'll be gone in a week." You've been watching too much Excorcist if you think you can get away with that.

A CLOSING THOUGHT

I don't know if you're serious about writing. If you are, you need to get your act together. If you're not, I don't know what you're doing here. It's not for me to say but~I hope I've helped.

This is what we call a harsh critique. Writers need them sometimes. Enjoy.

When AJ could no longer hear the music and all of the noise she stopped to look around her. To really see the area she was always in but there was not much to see.

This first sentence confused me. Maybe try adding these two sentences together, or even rewording it.

Just some trash and a few dark alleys.

Try adding these two sentences together.

It was starting to rain harder and she could hear the thunder in the distance. She could also see lightening flash across the sky.

Here is something I suggest for these sentences:
"It was starting to rain harder. She could hear the thunder in
the distance and see lightening flash across the sky."

"No,I don't care what people say.I know you are not real. There is no God!" AJ shouted with rage while sobbing.
"I'm just hearing voices in my head." she thought to herself.

You should put these two sentences on the same line.

When it was all over and she was still alive she looked up in amazement. As pain shot up and down her left arm.

Add these two sentences together

As she held her arm to her shirt she looked across the street to see the old church. It was no longer in use.

Maybe try this:
"As she held her arm to her shirt she looked across the street
to see the old church, which was no longer in use."

When she got to the front door she felt the need to open it. Even though she knew it would be locked.

To her surprise it opened. So she stepped into the room then turned to close the door.

In both of these you should add the two sentences together.

I want to become a christian

Also for the first time she has a dreamless sleep.

In both of these the first letters of the sentences need to be capitalized.

Interesting. I this there were a lot of sentences that could have been added together to make the story flow together better. Also the beginning sentence should be something that draws readers in. The first time I read it, it was a little confusing, and had to reread it. Try rewording the first sentence to make it a little more interesting. But the story got better the further I went into the story. The spelling and punctuation and capitalization where good through out the story except a few mistakes at the end. I thought this was very good. Keep it up!