Alternate Reality

this came right out of my myspace blog...tell me what you think :}

The notes she's playing on her guitar
They're not getting her very far
She's been trying all her life
But the songs just aren't right
Maybe she'll sleep on it tonight

She keeps trying to hold on to her dream
But it's a lot harder than it may seem
And she wants to win but she keeps on losing
All her hope and faith in herself

Maybe she'll sleep on it tonight
Until the plan is just right
But there's no time
The clock is racing to the finish line
She's never gonna find her place
If she doesn't act today

After days and days are gone astray
Her dream begins to slowly fade away
Into the fog that sleeps on the horizon
Of her hopelessness
The clock keeps on ticking, keeps on skipping
Like a broken record- when's it gonna stop?

Maybe she'll sleep on it tonight
Until the plan is just right
But there's no time
The clock is racing to the finish line
She's never gonna find her place
If she doesn't act today

The sun rises out of the blindness
That hid her from herself
She opens her eyes and realizes
Just what she gave up
Her thoughts set free finally but it's too late
And the clock keeps on ticking

She can't sleep on it tonight
Though the songs were always right
There's no more time
The clock has reached the finish line
She's could've found her place
But she didn't act that day
Now her dream is there to stay

yeahh. basically it's about going for your dreams and how you can't doubt yourself and wait forever because then you'll just like wake up and it'll be too late. then the rest of you're life you'll be haunted of thoughts of "what if" or "what could've been." so the 'girl' in the poem thing thinks she's not good and waits and waits and waits and then all of a sudden it's too late...she then discovers she was great all along but she never went for it because she didn't believe in herself. the clock...yeahh it's kinda there for 'dramatic' effect or whatever lol. it ticks and ticks as she's letting her dream fade into the depths of her soul and she kinda forgets about it then when it comes back, it's there with her forever but she can't do anything about because...yupp it's too late. sooooooo....for all the dreamers in the world, they should just go for whatever their dreams may be, don't wait until it fades, just do it.

I have two notes on general posting. 1. Don't include polls in your poetry/fiction threads, people are going to tell you there opinions through posting, not through polls. 2. I didn't read that long explanation at the end. See, the thing about poetry is, is it shouldn't need explaining. If its a good poem, you should have to explain any of it. I got the poem, without you intervening and explaining it for me.

Now, for the actual critique. Yes, I did get it. I think this is more of a song, than a poem (We have a song section) since you repeated verses. So I'll critique it like a song? Sure, why not. You lacked punctuation. Everything needs punctuation. Heres an article: Poetry & Punctuation. Sometimes you rhymed, and then sometimes you just didn't. Was it to hard to find words that matched? If this IS a poem, you are going to want to stick with patterns. But again I'm unsure if this a poem or a song.


It's well written, I suppose, but idea of "going for your dreams ASAP" has always been around, and so its nothing new. Props for writing it, but try writing something that hasn't been seen before. Make something even more original (everything is a copy of something else, one way or another). This was too much of something I've already seen to be enjoyed....

Really though, is this a poem, or a song? Because I think we have a lyrics section.

I liked it. I thought it had nice flow, although i agree with Claudette that it sounded much more like a song than a poem. Which is okay, except that this should be under the song section.

I also agree that the idea wasn't overly original, but it was well-expressed. Plus it is ridiculously hard nowadays to do something completely original as pretty much everything has been done already.

blonde&confused wrote:I also agree that the idea wasn't overly original, but it was well-expressed. Plus it is ridiculously hard nowadays to do something completely original as pretty much everything has been done already.

^^Not true. People think that, but it's not true. It doesn't matter whether the subject is new or old; it can be written about in a unique and refreshing way. This, however sounded somewhat like a pop song that plays on the radio for a few weeks and then fades into oblivion.

Just because it sounds like a song doesn't mean it has to be classified as song lyrics, though. I've always thought that music is poetry and vice versa. That said, the rhythm, rhyme, and repetition were overwhelmingly song-like. Note, however, that Lyric Poetry does NOT = Lyrics.

Speaking of repetition, I thought you used it well here, as part of a song, anyway. The clock and the "she'll sleep on it tonight" kept recurring; I think that shows that effort and thought were put into this.

Question: What is the significance of alternate reality?

Colleen

thanks for the critique guys, i'll definately keep what you said with me when i write...and about the song/poem thing...i wasn't sure if it should be a song or a poem..but yes, it's more of a song i guess