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After all your last kind Critiques i decided to completly revise my Prologue.

Prologue

In the beginning the land, and the inhabitants, were ruled over by a godlike race of men and women who called themselves, Purebloods. A dozen of these beings looked over the men who lived in their part of the world protecting them when possible against evils, which otherwise would have decimated the populace. The leader of these Purebloods was called, Mesin. He was a great warrior of mystical talents. His two closest friends were twins called, Dofur and Fosur. Both spoke to the animals of the world and ruled over a tribe of peaceful farmers.

Mesin himself lived with a tribe that called themselves, The Broken Lances. They were, like their Master, great warriors who protected Dofur and Fosur’s tribes and many others. The Purebloods lived for many centuries and the land was peaceful. Mesins tribe became lazy and confident of the security of the land. It was at this time disaster struck.

The world was plunged into darkness, the reason for this was unknown and the Purebloods left their tribes and went to investigate. In this time the tribes were attacked by an unknown people who came from across the great sea. They came in great boats which carried dozens of men. Each of those men carried swords, shields, and great bows.

Men and women were captured and taken off in these boats, never to be seen again. Soon raiders began to forge further into the land, killing and enslaving all that they came across. The tribes began to question the Purebloods and the belief that they had been abandoned became rife amongst them. When they could the tribes would offer allegiance to the invaders in exchange for being left alone.

Yet when all other tribes doubted the great Purebloods Mesins tribe, did not once think they had been abandoned. Although they had become lazy The Broken Lances were still formidable warriors, able to tackle three of the evil Invaders to one of them, but they were not strong enough in numbers.

After two years the Broken Lances were finally forced into the Great Mountains that bordered the north of the great country. In this time all other tribes had sworn allegiance to the Invaders or died.

Finally the world returned to the normal cycles of night and day and the Purebloods returned. Upon their return the Tribes dismayed, for they had been greatly wrong, they had not been abandoned. Only four of the Purebloods had returned their power greatly increased.




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In all these spots, and ones like them:
who called themselves, Purebloods


The leader of these Purebloods was called, Mesin


His two closest friends were twins called, Dofur and Fosur


that called themselves, The Broken Lances

The commas are not needed.

Only a four of the Purebloods had returned there power greatly increased.

I don't think you need "a" before "four".

This wasn't bad, as history books go. It had an interesting, slightly biblical feel. But I'm not sure I like the idea of "godlike Purebloods" and rather unexplained evildoers...

Though, the first thing you give a reader when they begin reading your story doesn't need to be a history lesson. Preferably, have a character doing something. You could reveal your world's history slowly and tantalizingly as your main story progresses.

Good luck with this! :)




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When I first read it...it feels like a chore.. Don't include the histroy until at least chapter 2.

And I also don't like the idea of the "purebloods" I mean if they are that powerful why can't they drive back the evil?

The ending was somewhat interesting. Leads me to wonder why only four of them had their powers left.

Also, the way you started the story seems quite linear. Try to make it more interesting and complex.

Overall I'll look forward to chapter 1. This has potential to be a good read :twisted:

Andy
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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Unlike Lilyy and Squallz, I actually enjoyed the history lesson at the beginning. I'm also fascinated with history, so that might be why; however, I feel like this did serve a good purpose. A good example would be like in Lord of the Rings - started with history.

Anyway, I felt like there were some minor errors that made this piece begin to head downhill about midway through. It gets very redundant when you have no sentence structure variation. "He did this." "She did that." "They had this problem." Things like that really bore me, but I might be the only one. Try to spice it up, make it a bit more interesting to read. Take this as an example:

"The Purebloods lived for many centuries and the land was peaceful. Mesins tribe became lazy and confident of the security of the land. It was at this time disaster struck. "

This could easily be morphed into a sentence that sounds more appealing. There's nothing wrong with this sentence, per se, but after a lot of previous sentences being straight forward like this one, it becomes boring and redundant. Allow me to try and help.

"For many centuries, the Purebloods lived in their personal epitomic paradise; however, when their lazines finally caught up with them, a plague of disaster fell upon them."

Just a suggestion for excitement. :)

Anyway, I think it served in giving us a mild preview of what your novel will be about. As long as that is what you wanted it to accomplish, then you've done a good job. Keep at it.

-Jon
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
To-morrow will be dying.




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I like the Historical start to the story. It kind of gets you asking yourself a few questions like "Who are the Purebloods?" and "Who are the raiders?"

However, I do agree with Ending-Karma about needing to spice up some of the sentences. Make them slightly more complex and gripping.

I am looking forward to the first chapter. Good work my friend.

See you in school tomorrow.

-Jack




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Okay, my first thought was "wait, Harry Potter fanfic?" because of the use of the term Purebloods, which is what the Malfoys et al. refer to themselves as.

When I continued reading, it sounded like a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings/Redwall sort of mix, with a little King Arthur thrown in for good measure. It reads like pretty generic fantasy: weird names and things in caps to make them seem more important.

I think generally it isn't a great idea to start a story with a backstory like this. Instead, I'd jump right into the action and explain things as needed.
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I like the historical start, it sets the scene.. But it doesn't really "grab" you as such. I'm aware people wont agree, but this is just my opinion :).

But i do like this, alot, it has a very sophisticated edge to it, & sounds like the start of a great fantasy story.

Good luck. x




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I have taken into account all of your suggestions and advice and have decided to keep the history bit untill later in the book where maybe the story is told to someone.

I will post the new chapter soon. it is almost complete and is failr long.

Anyway THANKYOU. :D :D :D :) :idea:



Poetry is thoughts that breathe, and words that burn.
— Thomas Gray