Title Pending Chapters 1&2

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I normally do post chapters seperately except that I have a problem with my first chapter. I don't think it's that good but I sort of want to keep it as it's a build-up to chapter two and it introduces the primary characters.

Chapter One
A young woman sat in the library of her master's home absorbed in a book. It was her day off and she was taking full of advantage of it by reading. When she had started working here almost two years ago she had been extremely cautious of where she roamed, but after the continued reassurance from her master she had begun to explore more than just her room. Now she could almost relax when she read, or did anything leisurely for that matter. Almost because she was still intimidated by her master.

Damon DeMontre.

He'd hired Reina when she had just turned seventeen, around ten years after she had been orphaned. She was terrified of how much he knew about the murder, but even now she was trying to deny he'd had any involvement in it.

She turned a page of the book but her almond shaped amethyst eyes were no longer taking in the words. Instead her mind was trapped on that awful night twelve years ago. Blood splattered walls, ceiling and carpet. The two corpses with their empty eyes yet terrified expressions upon their faces.

"Stop it." Reina let out a small shriek as a pair of cold hands rest on her shoulder. "I know you're thinking about them, let it go Rei."

"I –"

"Your eyes weren't moving and you had that glazed vacant look." His fingertips gently moved along her shoulders and came to rest on the bare skin of her neck, goosebumps broke out across her skin and she suppressed a shudder.

"Sir –"

"Rei please," he begged her in a cold harsh voice. "You've been my servant for two years now. Stop calling me 'Sir'!" He moved so he was in front of her and knelt so that he could look her straight in the eye. He moved so close his lips almost brushed against hers.

"Did you want something?" She asked in a weak voice as his fingers wound their way into her midnight black hair.

"No. your off duty remember?" Reina nodded although she had forgotten. When Damon was around she tended to forget everything, her mind would go blank and fill with panic a second later. She was always uncomfortable and frightened around him. She wished she knew why, apart from the obvious…

"Then…erm…w –"

"To talk Reina!" He snapped harshly suddenly pushing away from her so he was standing at his full height of six-foot-two. "You've been with me for nearly two years and yet I know so little about you."

"You knew enough when you hired me," she said quietly, "you knew about my parents…" She flinched at the severe look he sent her way.

"I have told you countless times, I did not kill your parents." He said in a fierce voice and snatched the open book from her hands. "I came to talk to you, you're always too shy to talk when you're working I thought if I spoke to you when you're relaxed I'd get to know you!" He threw the book and it narrowly missed her as it whizzed over the top of her head. He stormed from the room leaving Reina alone and feeling terrified. She would have spoken to Damon if she wasn't so terrified of him. It wasn't just because of what he was; it was also more of a …personality thing. He was forever seducing women, bringing back a different woman nearly every other night. Some knew what he was, some didn't and sometimes he would bring back one of his own kind. While she did feel a bit jealous about seeing a beautiful woman hanging off his arm all the time it wasn't that, that intimidated her. It was more his frequent attempts to seduce her. Reina was a complete romantic; she wanted to find true love and to save herself for that man. She did not want to be just another notch on Damon's bedpost.

He didn't understand that thought and he wouldn't let it go. Every time he looked at her she could feel him undressing her with his eyes, his touch would seem innocent to someone looking but to Reina she would understand the hidden meaning.

Sighing she stood up and picked the book of the flood, she'd make herself scarce and just go hide in her room until she was either on duty or he had calmed down.

Chapter Two
It was even clearer in her dreams; details she hadn't noticed that night were clear and vivid as if she had been staring at them for hours on end. She was in her room, her room in her parents' home; a tatty teddy bear was clutched tightly in her small child hands. Her face buried into the soft fur which tickled her face. Her bedroom was tucked away into the back of the tiny bungalow, presumably safe from intruders but she was still able to hear what was going on. Outside a raging storm took place, thunder booming violently made the small girl tremble in terror. The tears and quiet sobs though were not because of the storm, nor because she was frightened of the illuminated shadows the lightning caused. The sobs were because of the screams.

The screams of those who knew that they were doomed. The pleading of mercy and for second chances were all too audible over the booming thunder. The manic laughter sent chills coursing through the girl's body making her blood turn to ice.

The struggled sounded as if it didn't even last a full minute. For a split second all was quiet. The thunder paused, the screams and laughter had stopped – even her breathing seemed muted. Then the footsteps started. The sound of leather shoes clicking against the linoleum floor in the kitchen. The sticky squeak of trainers following close by. Lightning flashed just in time for the seven-year-old girl to see the doorknob turning as if in slow motion.

"Someone's coming." A deep voice spoke; there was something about the voice that the girl knew she would remember it until she died. The cold, hate-filled voice that spoke as if it had never cared would remain locked up in the deepest part of her memory. But every so often it would come back to haunt her. To taunt her and remind her off this dreadful night.

The footsteps receded; somehow she knew when they were gone. Carefully the girl climbed out off bed, the teddy bear clutched tightly to her chest, her face hot and wet from a mixture of tears and sweat. As she opened the door to her bedroom the smell hit her instantly. Blood. It smelt strangely like copper and it made her gag. Her hands fumbled along the wall for guidance, she should have known exactly where she was except that she couldn't think because of the fear holding her captive. A small voice in her mind tried to persuade her to go back to bed. After all hadn’t she promised mummy and daddy that she would stay in bed no matter what till someone told her to come out in the morning? She found her way into the sitting room where the smell was sickly sweet and she could hear the faint drip, drip of something hitting the polished floorboards.

The thunderstorm seemed to have died away; there wasn't even the sound of a feeble rumble. Small hands groped the wall, the teddy dangling loosely in her left hand. Finally there was the sound of a soft clicking as her hand found the light switch.

The light guttered on lighting the room for two seconds before the bulb gave out and plunged the room into total darkness. But those two seconds had felt like a lifetime to that little girl. Those two seconds had shown her the horror she had never been meant to see. The twisted bodies of her parents lying in a pool of their own blood that seemed to drip from violent tears in their broken necks. Somehow she just knew that those marks had come from teeth. The empty eyes of both her parents looked at her with vacant yet although the eyes held a vacant expression somehow the terror, pain and hate were still visible on the bloody faces, their hair clinging to patches of rapidly drying blood made the expressions all the more grotesque.

The silence was soon broken, but this time not by thunder. This time it was the terrified and anguished scream of a seven-year-old air that pierced the silence.

Reina bolted upright with her hands clapped tightly to her mouth to muffle her screaming. Her body was drenched in a cold sweat; her waist-length hair clung to her as if it was skin and not hair. Her pyjamas too were soaked and melted into her skin, gasping Reina shakily got to her feet and fumbled around for the light switch. The fluorescent glow helped to calm her down. She was in her room in Damon's mansion, there were no bodies littering the ground and no blood splattered over the walls. Trembling she made her way into the bathroom, Damon had given her one of the rooms with an en-suite and she was now more grateful because it meant she didn’t have to stumble around looking for the nearest one.

Her hand reached out to take the light switch which she carefully pulled down. She had to be quiet, she didn’t know how but Damon always seemed to know when she had the nightmare. She stared into the mirror and grimaced at her reflection; her waist-length midnight black hair was damp and flat, she pulled it back from her body and shivered as the skin it had been clinging too was exposed to the freezing cold air. Her heart shaped face was deathly pale, the skin shone with a sheen of sweat. Her almond shaped amethyst eyes seemed to have sunk into the back of her head and there large black rings under her eyes.

"I look dead." She muttered to herself dropping her gaze to the pure white sink. She filled it with crystal clear water from one of the golden taps and began splashing it onto her face. She might as well get ready for work, she knew she wouldn’t be going back to sleep anytime soon.


A few floors above her attempts to not alert Damon had failed. He lay in bed another of his conquests curled up in his arms snorting softly. He looked down at her impatiently; how could he go down to comfort Reina with this woman here? Of course it wasn't his fault, no, it was Reina's! If only she would just forget about that stupid night, he had seen terrible things in the past but was he haunted by those things in his dreams? Of course not! She shouldn’t be so weak; she had to learn to toughen up.

The woman in his arms began to stir and he looked up at the ceiling. If Reina would stop being so childish and just share his bed at night…he could be there when she woke up. Even three floors above he could feel the distress and terror gripping her body tightly. And I can't do anything about it, he thought scornfully. He had gone out after losing his temper, and while on his stroll he had met this female. He couldn't remember her name and he didn’t care about it either, all he cared about right now was getting rid of her so he could go and comfort Reina.

He looked across the window and saw light beginning to filter through a crack in the curtains. Reina would be up soon. Good. He had things to do and if it meant his servant was up it meant he too should be up and about soon, he had things to do after all.

"Mornin'," a husky voice snapped him from his thought and he looked down. She was awake at last. "Did you sleep well?" She purred reaching up to stroke the side of his face.

"Of course," Damon lied; the truth was he didn't sleep well – what was the point in sleep? Whether he slept or not had no effect on him. You couldn't suffer from exhaustion if you were dead. He smiled at her taking in the cloudy grey eyes and sandy blonde hair. A gentle tap at the door alerted him to the fact that Reina had started work. "Come in." He called.

She looked terrible. She was dressed head to toe in black, obviously under the impression that she was less noticeable but she was incredibly wrong. The black of her jeans, blouse and shoes against her hair only highlighted how pale she was. Her hands, face and neck were as visible as a glow in the dark stick and he could see her hands trembling.

"Morning sir." A flicker of annoyance took hold of Damon – why couldn't she use his name? He saw that her eyes flickered over to the woman lying next to him and he just about caught the jealous look in her eyes which last not even a split second. Smiling snugly to himself he pulled the woman closer and kissed the top of her head tenderly, his eyes looking at Reina smugly never leaving her gaze as he performed this act of affection. "Can I get you anything?" She asked in her quiet and timid voice which he was just able to hear.

"Yes. Bring this beautiful lady some breakfast." He suppressed a shudder as she giggled; he hated it when women giggled like that! Did they think it was attractive or something?

"And for you sir?" He scowled at Reina as she arched an eyebrow innocently. She had guessed then that this woman didn't know his secret. Well you couldn’t let too many people know, it wouldn’t be a secret then.

"You know very well that I do not eat breakfast." He said coldly.

"You should," the woman in his arms purred into his ear, she seemed completely unaware of Reina and didn't even turn to look at her. His blood began to boil, how dare she ignore Reina simply because she was a servant!

"What I should do and what I do or do not do is nobody's business but mine." He snapped coldly to the woman, he turned to Reina and glared at her letting her know that he was displeased with her. "Go!"


"You dreamed of them last night." Damon said when Reina began clearing up the breakfast things. The woman had left her number on a scrap of paper which was now screwed up and tossed carelessly on the bedroom floor.

"Do you want me to bin this?" Reina asked picking the paper up as if she had not heard him.

"Rei –"

"She seemed nice," she continued quietly still feigning deafness.

"Reina!" Damon snapped coldly and she looked up at him frightened. "You know very well I won't be calling her, now please sit down and shut up." She sat down on an empty chair opposite his bed across the room and refused to look up at him. Instead she kept her eyes focused on the breakfast tray which rested carefully on her lap, her hands gripping the edges tightly.

"How did you know?" She whispered and Damon was thankful she wasn't looking at him. She was completely clueless about the bond that they shared. Occasionally he would take her blood, the packets in the fridge just weren't the same as from a living being. Those few times had given them a bond, he could feel her emotions and occasionally he could see into her mind. However because she had always refused to take any of his blood this bond was not mutual, if she shared his blood then she too would be able to feel his emotions and see into his mind.

"I heard you." He said after a long silence, they both knew that this was a feeble lie but thankfully she said nothing. She simply nodded. "Well?"

"I can’t help what I dream about." She said looking up at him. "Do you really think I want to dream about that night all the time?" She didn't want to talk about this with Damon, or anyone for that matter, it was none of his business! Damon sighed and stood up, grunting in annoyance as Reina hurriedly looked away blushing a furious shade of bright red. He grabbed a pair of trousers off the floor and slipped them on as he walked over to her.

"Rei…you look exhausted, this is ridiculous. It happened twelve years ago." He rested a hand on her shoulder and began rubbing it gently. "You're not the only person in the world to have experienced horrible things." He spoke in a soothing voice, both his hands now massaging her shoulders working at the tense knots in them and her neck. He smirked as he felt her sway lightly under his touch, slowly letting herself relax. "I have seen –"

"Don’t you dare!" She suddenly shouted jumping to her feet. The tray of breakfast items crashing to the floor; the china plates and empty coffee cup shattering, just like Reina’s temper. "I know all about the horrors you've seen – and how you caused them! I know that you used to slaughter innocent people, how it was all just some sort of sport to you. Don't you dare try to play the victim with me!" She knelt down and hurriedly threw the broken items onto the tray. She didn’t even flinch as she sliced her hand open on a broken shard. Damon however couldn't help his reaction.

"Here," he said kneeling down beside her and taking her hand.

"Get away!" She snapped standing up and snatching her hand away from him. "I'll be in the servants' kitchen if you need anything else, sir."




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hook. where's the hook? you need to keep the reader reading with interest.

"A young woman sat in the library of her master's home absorbed in a book." isnt a hook. you need a first sentence that catches the readers eye and makes them go "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!!!"... unless im the only person who does that.... in that case you need to make me say omg omg omg. hehe.




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"Stop it." --New line here?Reina let out a small shriek as a pair of cold hands rest on her shoulder. Did both his hands rest on her one shoulder, or one hand on each shoulder? :P *picky* "I know you're thinking about them, let it go Rei."


"Did you want something?" She asked in a weak voice as his fingers wound their way into her midnight black hair. --A little cliché...


He didn't understand that thought and he wouldn't let it go. Every time he looked at her she could feel him undressing her with his eyes, his touch would seem innocent to someone looking but to Reina she would understand the hidden meaning. --but Reina would understand the hidden meaning.


The screams of those who knew that they were doomed. The pleading of mercy and for second chances were all too audible over the booming thunder. The manic laughter sent chills coursing through the girl's body making her blood turn to ice. --I think this image would work better if instead of using a metaphor you actually described how cold it made her feel...it would be more chilling that way, if you'll pardon the pun ;)



She stared into the mirror and grimaced at her reflection; her waist-length midnight black hair was damp and flat, she pulled it back from her body and shivered as the skin it had been clinging too was exposed to the freezing cold air. Her heart shaped face was deathly pale, the skin shone with a sheen of sweat. Her almond shaped amethyst eyes --you already told us her hair was midnight black and she had almond shaped amethyst eyes seemed to have sunk into the back of her head and there were large black rings under her eyes.

I just picked out a few niggly bits there. I think it's great, to be honest, so the first line isn't the most shocking ever, I only had to read the first couple of paragraphs to be hooked. One little thing is that you seem to have an absence of commas where I think they should be, a few grammatical mistakes, one or two clichés. The description of her dream worked really well and I love the way you convey Reina and Damon's strange relationship. Interested to see what comes next :)
Matt.




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Thanks for the critique Matt, I've worked on your suggestions some things I've changed but there's one or two things I haven't sorry.

"Stop it." --New line here?Reina let out a small shriek as a pair of cold hands rest on her shoulder. Did both his hands rest on her one shoulder, or one hand on each shoulder? *picky* "I know you're thinking about them, let it go Rei."

I didn't start a new line because it's still Damon speaking so I thought it'd make more sense to keep it as a whole line rather than seperating it. I did change the second part though, it's not picky it helps build up the picture lol.
Reina let out a small shriek as a pair of cold hands rested on each of her shoulders.

"Did you want something?" She asked in a weak voice as his fingers wound their way into her midnight black hair. --A little cliché...

Tried to make this a little less cliche but I think it's probably still just as cliche.
She asked in a weak voice as his fingertips brushed through her hair, lightly grazing the skin of her scalp and back of her neck.

He didn't understand that thought and he wouldn't let it go. Every time he looked at her she could feel him undressing her with his eyes, his touch would seem innocent to someone looking but to Reina she would understand the hidden meaning. --but Reina would understand the hidden meaning.

Changed that to how you've suggested it, thank you very much!

The screams of those who knew that they were doomed. The pleading of mercy and for second chances were all too audible over the booming thunder. The manic laughter sent chills coursing through the girl's body making her blood turn to ice. --I think this image would work better if instead of using a metaphor you actually described how cold it made her feel...it would be more chilling that way, if you'll pardon the pun

The manic laughter sent chills coursing through the girl's body making her blood turn to ice. She began shivering uncontrollably, as if she was caught in torrential rains and high winds. Her body stung as if the rain and wind were real. I'm not sure if that's any better though sorry.

She stared into the mirror and grimaced at her reflection; her waist-length midnight black hair was damp and flat, she pulled it back from her body and shivered as the skin it had been clinging too was exposed to the freezing cold air. Her heart shaped face was deathly pale, the skin shone with a sheen of sweat. Her almond shaped amethyst eyes --you already told us her hair was midnight black and she had almond shaped amethyst eyes seemed to have sunk into the back of her head and there were large black rings under her eyes.

Her eyes seemed to have sunk into the back of her head and there were large black rings under her eyes.

Thanks for your comments, it was really helpful and I hope the changes have made it better!




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hey
this was very good i did not want this to end. you were able to keep me hooked from beginning to end so keep it up. And i could not see anything wrong with it. love it so much
Everything is written in the sand but, it just depends on how you read it!
lot of love
erin
http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u127/sufergirl_01/
you know you want to! lol



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