darkness

the shadow calls to her,
whispers entice her
into the darkness
she so longs for.
the darkness,
her escape from reality.
the ever beckoning,
ever cold darkness
she now knows so well.
the darkness shall
consume and take her
from you

RUN

My only real complaint about this poem is that it doesn't mean anything to me. The topic is cliche and overused, and for all that, it doesn't even have a purpose. What are you trying to say here? What's your message? Are you trying to describe something? If so, what? First of all, pick something important to you to write about. Something you personally have made note of, have observed, have reflected upon. Then gather the images you have connected with (maybe what it was you first noticed about your subject that caught your eye?) and use creative language to show us these images. Third, organize them so they flow well and develop as a poem - it needs to move, to go somewhere, to change us; we should be different at the end than we were before we read it. For a first poem, my tip for beginning writers is always to pick a simple subject, like a toaster or a frisbee or something of the sort. Get used to handling the words, then move on to messages and morals. Count on reality to connect you with your audience, not the intangible, metaphysical, all-in-your-head stuff. Our heads are different, but we live in the same outside world.

For a first poem, this really wasn't bad. Keep writing and reading lots of poetry, preferably the really great poets (think Robert Frost or Yeats), and I know you'll improve dramatically. Can't wait to see more!

This needs a lot more body. It had a nice border but you need to fill it. The last line was sort of a surprise I didn't realize you were talking to anyone throughout and it sort of switched up the meaning, not really in a good way but in a "RUN" needs to go kinda way. You also forgot to capatilize the words after the periods and used the word darkness one too many times. If you spent a lot of time on this, filling in on the things you missed and cleaning up your meaning, this could turn out really nice.

Keep it up!
-Rieda

right.... yeah....

take riedas advice, and then some

Loved the concept to be honest, but again; your structure seems all wrong? Where are the other pieces of punctuation, the variation from the comma and period? Without these, it seems as though the flow is like someone falling off a cliff, never once pausing from their scream.

I agree with others when I say that it needs more. More to make it chunkier and give the reader more information.

Good work.

Um...
I don't really like this. It's kind of bland, punctuated wrongly, slit in all of the wrong places, and has a cliched message.

Here are some tips about how to write good poetry:
1. Surprise us. Be quirky, be random. The RUN part was good, if only we knew what it meant to the poem. Add two random words you've never heard together before: "into the crisp darkness."
2. Show us! Describe every noun in the poem. Darkness (crisp), shadow (cirulean), whispers (thunderous), then delete the adjectives that seem forced or stop the rhythm, and you've got yourself an image (usually).
3. Message/theme. Weave it through your poem, but make it small. A message should be three to ten words: "Humans want to escape from sadness", "Hiding is another word for suicide", etcetra etcetera. This is sort of what I tried to get from your poem, but was completey not sure.
4. HAVE A STORY. Even when it's lyrcial, it has some kind of feeling that is expressed through an anecdote. This poem is about a girl going into the shadows...too general. Is this a metaphore, or literal?

I hope I helped you! This does have great potential, and I am not saying this to be nice, but you should employ more techinques in order for this to be really good.

PM me for any clearifications!