Light and Darkness

4 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1419
Reviews 161
Chapter 1- Magician thief

When Seth came to he was confused at first. He wondered why he was lying on the floor and the stench of burning hung around him. Pain racked his body as he tried to get up and he fell back down. Then it all came to him. And he knew he had done something incredible, but wrong. He gathered up his strength and scrabbled his hand against the rough ground.Sharp stones cut him several times but he found what he was searching for. Seth felt its hard smoothness and relaxed. Then he heard a swish and light wind brushed against his face. And the cold touch of steel caressed his neck.

One day earlier

The night intensified the shadows. And in the darkness Seth Ranlais practiced his trade. He was a thief born and bred and would always be a thief. And he was after a prize. The city offered bountiful riches to those who knew how to get them. Such riches were often hidden in the houses in the rich quarter of Dallen. It seemed as if the rich wanted to be robbed, having their houses built with features that made good hand and foot holds and balconies from which Seth could easily break into their house. The nobles were the worst, believing that their elevated status protected them from the underworld of the city. So it was that Seth was on the balcony of a lord and lady who were away attending another noble’s ball. It had been easy to scale using the vines that often grew on a noble's outside walls. Although a thief, he was dressed so that he could be mistaken for a noble’s son. Seth swept a hand through his black hair, a bemused expression on his face. The door opened with a whispered word from Seth, and then he was inside a large bedroom. A four-poster bed with silk drapes hanging off the top took up some space in the middle. The rest was occupied by a large number of drawers and wardrobes, and three paintings were on the wall. He walked over to the bed and moved a hand across the silk draping. It felt soft to the touch and flowed beneath his hand. Seth pulled out something from a pocket in his cloak that became a small sack once shaken. Holding it in one hand he proceeded to traverse the room examining the tables for any valuables and pulling out drawers and wardrobes for things that caught his fancy. Items of gold, jewellery, and anything else that might fetch some money on the under market disappeared into the sack. When the last item, a fat gem half the size of his hand disappeared, the sack was bulging with items. That was when the other door to the bedroom opened. A man attired like a servant entered and stopped as he saw Seth, a shocked expression on his face. He recovered quickly and brandished a broze candlestick that Seth had not taken. Seth touched the leg of the bed and said a word; surprisingly it broke and the entire bed collapsed without the support. Seth felt himself weaken. In the ruckus that followed, he picked up the piece of wood and walked over to the man, brushed aside hsi feeble attempt at a block and smashed it on his head. Once again the wood broke and the man fell with a grunt. Seth decided to make a quick exit. There had been too much noise.

*

Seth managed to move across the city without being seen to his next destination though it took him an hour. He stopped outside a door and knocked saying as he did so, “Rogersis.”

After a slight pause the door opened to reveal a tall man with dirty blond hair and smooth shaven face. He surveyed the area outside and ushered Seth into a lobby, closing the door after him.

“That’s a stupid password,” said Seth.

“It’s ‘cause smart people don’t say stupid things idiot, they expect something intelligient,” the man replied.

“It’s intelligent Sharper,” replied Seth with a smirk.

“Don’t get smart with me just ‘cause you’re educated and you have weird powers. I can put you back the way i found you,” snapped Shaper. Seth knew he was referrin to his past. “So what loot you got?”

“Look for yourself, it’s a lot, but I’ll have to lie low for a while. One of the servants saw me, I had to smash his head with a bed leg,” said Seth.

“Why didn't you just kill him with your shortsword?” asked Sharper.

“It seemed unfair,” replied Seth.

“You’re too soft for a thief, but I have to admit those powers of yours do make you the best I know, better than the other vagabonds there,” said Sharper, motioning to the door that led out of the lobby, then examinined the fat gem that had gone last into the sack as he did so. “Go on your way now, I’ll take the tax then give you what’s left.”

Seth slipped past the man and exited the lobby. The house was one of the places owned by people where thieves could stay until fortune managed to get them enough money to buy their own home. Of course tithes had to be paid out of any earnings but a fair amount was left behind. Seth enjoyed the company that could be found in a hiding house. He walked down a corridor and opened the door to a room where he saw three people. Two were around his age and he didn't see them often (Seth thought they were shady characters and avoided them) but one was a teenager and they were all asleep, one on a chair the rest curled up on the floor. Empty wine bottles were on the floor and the room stank of alcohol. They were not clothed like Seth but looked more like thieves than the arrogant son of a noble. He ousted the teenager from his slumber with a soft kick and he boy exploded into action. He quickly rose, drawing out a long dagger as he did so and faced his assailant.

“Oh. It’s you. What do you want?” he said and sheathed his dagger. The boy standing in front of Seth did not seem very tired for someone who had consumed large quantities of wine. Though they were years apart, the two were firm friends and shared interests (stealing and annoying guards the main ones).

“So what were you all enjoying without- is this camasian red, Cal?” said Seth as he examined one of the bottles. He had cut down on drinking ever since he had found out how much it affected his magic, but that didn't mean he couldn't appreciate good wine.

“Yes,” said Cal.

“You don't seem so tired,” said Seth.

"I didn't drink any," Cal replied. "Those two were trying to find out where i hide my loot. Anyway, how was the robbery?"

Seth smiled as he did whenever he thought about the recent robbery.

“Big,” he said with undisguised glee in his voice.

“It must be to make you that happy. I mean, look at you,” said Cal touching the rich fabric of Seth’s shirt. “You know, it wouldn’t hurt if you got some clothes like these for me.”

“I’ll get you some next time, I promise. But you’ll have to wait. A servant saw me so I have to lie low,” said Seth and so he began telling Cal what had happened up to their meeting.

“Sharper is right, you are too soft but you’re damned good,” said Cal.
“It’s because of my abilities, look, lesoe,” said Seth and the door slammed shut and he once again felt more drained of energy. He would need to eat again now.

“Learned anything new yet?” said Cal.

“No. I haven’t had a chance to break into Greystone again,” replied Seth.

“Well you’re coming with me.”

“Why?”

“I heard two magicians talking today. They were speaking about some great treasure that had come into the school recently. It looks like it won’t be here for long so I want to steal it, and you’re going to help me.”

“And why should I?”

“Because it’s in a magic school, which means it’s probably magical, which means you could learn something here, something powerful. And anyway, I’ll give you half cut.”

Seth considered it for a moment, weighing the possible benefits with the dangers.

“Ok, I’ll join you, when do we leave?” he said.

“Tomorrow night,” said Cal with a smirk.


Chapter 2- Sinister plots at midnight

Once the patrol had passed Seth and Cal made their way to the East gate. A hefty bribe (Seth’s loot from last night) had persuaded a guard to leave it open for them and make sure they were not disturbed. They climbed down from the top of the city walls using ropes and quickly walked the cobbled road that led to the walls of Greystone and approached the east gate. Seth then realised something.

"Let's go back. There's no point," he said.

"Why?" said Cal, surprised.

"It's night. I go in during the day when thry allow visitors. They're going to have their wards up. I'm nowhere near competant enough to even try to find out what they do." He could almost slap himself for not realising sooner.

"Let's try it anyway," said Cal. "We've already paid the bribe."

They reached the east gate and slowly approached it. Cal reached out a hand and touched it. Nothing happened.

"I've not been blasted into oblivion yet so lets open it," he said. They oiled the hinges and opened the door. Seth decided to be brave and stepped inside. Still nothing. Before, he might have thought something was wrong, but the elation fo the break in made him ignore any doubts.

They traversed across the school grounds stealthily, using every shadow in the manner of thieves. They passed several guards along the way but they were not detected by any of them. Seth felt a sharp pain in his mind and swore.

“What?” said Cal.

“My head just started hurting. It’s only ever happened wh- move!” Seth roughly grabbed Cal and jumped into a bush pulling him along. A second after they had jumped into the bush a light wind rose and they heard a hum. Suddenly, a figure appeared where Seth and Cal had previously been. Whoever or whatever it was dressed in a black cloak that hid everything. It surveyed its surroundings and seemed to glide towards the keep. A minute after it’s appearance, Cal dared to speak.

“What was that?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” said Seth. “But it has magical power. I think it was a magician.”

“Ok then, let’s go,” said Cal after a slight pause.

They crept our of their cover and quickly continued their journey to the keep. Both were keen to get this over with quickly.

“Give me the ropes and hooks,” said Seth when as they approached the keep walls. Cal said nothing.

“Give me the ropes and hooks!” Seth repeated impatiently. Cal still did nothing. Annoyed, Seth turned to face him and was startled. He was peering around the corner and had gone completely white and was shaking with either fear or apprehension. Seth knew it was fear.

“Look…” he muttered quietly. Seth followed his gaze and almost fainted. The two guards that usually stood at the keep door were gone. In their stead were the fleshy remains of something that might have been men.


The door was splattered with blood and small bits of flesh. Seth heaved and emptied his stomach into the ground.

“Cal?” he said after he had recovered. There was no answer. Seth turned to find Cal had gone. In the dim moonlight he saw a person running at breakneck speed toward the east gate. Seth forgave him for abandoning him. He knew that Cal was much younger than him and couldn’t be expected to cope with such a sight. But one thing was for certain; Seth was alone. Two decisions awaited him now, to either turn away or carry on. He knew that something sinister was happening here tonight and no one might be aware of it. He looked once more at the fleshy mess and knew he had to warn someone, but he still turned away.

You’re too soft. He remembered what Sharper had said of him. He sighed. Well, this was the time to prove the overbearing bastard wrong. He cautiously approached the door and was hit with the overpowering stench of blood and gore and heaved, but his stomach was already empty. Not looking at the mess on the floor he reached out to touch the door and immediately felt the wet sticky blood and flesh. Not lingering he opened the door and closed it behind him. He wiped the stuff off his hands against the back of a tapestry. Seth went to the one place that he knew like the back of his hand, the library of magic. He ran up another flight of stairs and took a corridor to the left but the door to the library wasn’t there.

What’s happening? He thought.

He gave a start as he heard footsteps coming his way. He panicked and took the only way out, a door at the end of the corridor. He then found he couldn’t move. The footsteps stopped.

“Who are you?” said a soft, sinister sounding voice.

Seth shouted, “Laff!” and he heard a crash as the thing fell. Seth felt as if a weight had been removed from him and found he could move. He sprinted to the door and opened and shut it. He found himself in a circular room with another way out at the other side. In the centre was a table of solid stone with nothing upon it. He felt that there was something precious about the room but he couldn’t pin it. Perplexed, he carried on to the other door none the less. Surprisingly, the thing had not come in yet. Not wanting to meet again, he quickly rushed to the door and found himself in another corridor leading to a hall. Moonbeams shone through a large window inside it. Seth had barely entered the hall when he heard footsteps. He quickly dived behind a curtain and peeked around apprehensively. Soon the footsteps could be heard in the halls but no one seen. Then out of nowhere someone appeared in the moonlight. She was a woman in her early twenties. She had brown hair and oddest of all, silvery grey eyes. Seth shrunk when he saw them. Silver eyes were a bad omen; everyone knew that. She was attired in riding breeches and a shirt and held a sword in her hand. An empty sheath hung at her side. As she entered the darkness once more her cloak swirled around her and she disappeared as strangely as she had appeared. Seth felt spooked by her eyes, but an ubidden voice in his head urged him to follow her. There was something about her that called to him and he couldn't resist. He drew out his shortsword and crept after her.
Last edited by Fan on Thu Feb 15, 2007 8:54 pm, edited 4 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 820
Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

When Seth came to he was confused at first. He wondered why he was lying on the floor and the stench of burning hung around him. He tried to get up but pain racked his body and he fell back down. Then it all came to him. And he knew he had done something incredible, but wrong. He gathered up his strength and scrabbled his hand against the rough ground. He cut his fingers several times against sharp stones but he eventually found what he was looking for. He felt its hard smoothness and relaxed. Then he heard a swish and light wind brushed against his face. And the cold touch of steel caressed his neck.


Five sentences begin with ‘he’. You should try avoid doing that, think about the sentence and how you could write in with ‘he’. You could sometimes write ‘Seth’.

One day earlier


As this is time, then maybe have this in italics?

The night intensified the shadows and extended the darkness.


Darkness and shadow, almost saying the same thing, right?

So it was that Seth was on the balcony of some lord and lady who were away attending another noble’s ball.


*mumbles* This is something I hate coming across, only use ‘some’ in dialogue, as people use it in everyday speech. But here you could have ‘a’?

Although a thief, he was dressed so that he could be mistaken for some noble’s son.


Again, the ‘some’ should be replaced.

He swept his hand through his black hair with a bemused expression on his face as he faced the balcony door.


A lot of ‘he’ and his’ in there. Try: [Seth] swept [a] hand through his black hair, a bemused expression on his face as he faced the balcony door / Seth, sweeping a hand through his black hair, faced the balcony door, a bemused expression on his face.

How did he get up onto the balcony? Climbed a pipe or was magic used?

It opened [s]before him[/s] with a whispered word [from Seth], and [s]then[/s] he [s]was[/s] [found himself] inside a large bedroom.


I don’t think the ‘before’ is necessary. See my suggestion ^^^

It felt soft to the touch and flowed beneath his hand.


I liked that little description, the silk flowing like water.

Holding it [ ? ] one hand he proceeded to traverse the room examining the drawer tops for any valuables and pulling out drawers and wardrobes for things that caught his fancy.


Place ‘in’ where I have the question mark. See the repetition, try to use a different type of furniture.

That was when the door opened to the rest of the house opened.


... ?

In that moment of inaction, Seth touched the leg of the bed and said a word; surprisingly it broke and Seth felt a bit more tired.


That is how NOT to describe a ‘power drain’. Try something like: Seth felt the power/magic weaken him.

In the ruckus that followed, he picked up the piece of wood and walked over to the man and smashed him on the head. Once again the wood broke and the man fell with a grunt.


And the servant just stood there? Remember, when there are two or more characters in a scene you have to think about all of them. Give the servant action, does he try to rush out of the room? Does he get something to defend himself and his master’s property? He is pathetic at the moment—waiting for Seth to beat him.

“Help! Help!” Seth shouted loudly as he left with the intention to get help to come to the unconscious man. Even thieves have their morals.


In the last sentence you change tense, ‘have’ should be: Even thieves had morals.

I’m not so sure about Seth’s action. There is a possibility that when he tries to escape someone will surely see him and question who he is. So, that is something you have to think about. He is a thief—born and bred—as you said.

“It’s ‘cause smart people don’t say stupid things [ ? ] idiot, they expect something intelligient,” the man replied.


Comma before ‘idiot’. And you’ve spelt intelligent wrong.

“It’s intelligent Sharper,” replied Seth with a smirk.


Ignore that last comment.

“Don’t get smart with me just ‘cause you’re educated and you have weird powers. I found you unconscious in some ditch with no memory of your past I can put you that way again” snapped Shaper. “So what loot you got?”


Background history. If you’re going to get a character to tell someone else’s history then do it in parts. This is like you’re trying to get Seth’s past into one conversation/sentence.

“You’re to soft for a thief, but I have to admit those powers of yours do make you the best I know, better than the other vagabonds there,” said Sharper, motioning to the door that led out of the lobby, examining the fat gem that had gone last into the sack as he did so.


‘to’ = too

Again, the man has two actions in one sentence. Have him point to the room and then examine the gem.


Of course tithes had to be payed out of any earnings but a fair amount was left behind.


‘payed’ = paid

He walked down a corridor and opened the door to a room where he saw three people. Three were around his age but one was a teenager and they were all asleep, one on a chair the rest curled up on the floor.


There are three people in the room, but you mention four.

He ousted the teenager from his slumber with a soft kick and he boy exploded into action.
He quickly rose, drawing out a long dagger as he did so and faced his assailant.
“Oh. It’s you. What do you want?” he said drowsily and sheathed his dagger.


He is sleepy but his actions ‘exploded into action/quickly rose’ contradicts it.

Though they were years apart, the two were firm friends and shared interests.


Maybe give an example of what these ‘interests’ include?

“So what were you all enjoying without- is this camasian red [ ? ] Cal?” said Seth as he examined one of the bottles.


Cal is the name of the boy, place a comma before Seth says his name.

Seth smiled as he did whenever he thought about the recent robbery.


... his recent robberies.

“It’s because [of] my abilities, look, lesoe,” said Seth and the door slammed shut and he once again felt more tired.


At first I didn’t know what ‘lesoe’ was until the door shut. And the ‘tired’ part, try it a different way.

“I heard two magicians talking today. They were talking about some great treasure that had come into the school recently. It looks like it won’t be here for long so I want to steal it, and you’re going to help me.”


Repetition of ‘talking’.

Chapter 2- Sinister plots in the midnight


‘the’ is unnecessary.

They crept our of their cover and quickly continued their journey to the keep. Both were keen to get this over with quickly.


‘our’ = out

He was peering around the corner [ ? ] had gone completely white and was shaking with either fear or apprehension.


Something missing there.

Seth followed his gaze and [s]was[/s] almost fainted.


^^^ See quote

Seth turned to find Cal wasn’t there [gone?].


^^^ See quote

You’re too soft. He remembered what Sharper had said of him.


Have this in italics.

Not looking at the mess on the floor he reached out to tough the door and immediately felt the wet sticky blood and flesh.


‘tough’ = touch?

What’s happening? He thought.


Thoughts should be in italics.

“Who are you?” said a soft, hissing, sinister sounding voice.


All three? You could just take two out?

He found himself in a circular room with on other way out at the other side.


‘on’ = ?

Try not to repeat the ‘other’.


Silver eyes were a bad omen; everyone knew that. She was attired in riding breeches and a shirt and held a sword I her hand.


‘I’ = in?

*

I’m not much of a fan of fantasy-thieves. But I hope I can help.

Firstly, do many have magical abilities or just a handful? How about the nobles Seth steals from?

Secondly, Seth’s magic drains his energy. He should eat more often, and wouldn’t drinking wear him down?

Thirdly, the magic school. There is no ‘magical’ security. They should even been able to get into the place, Seth doesn’t appear to have great power and surely there are very powerful magicians in the school who could put up magic stones or cast signs to stop trespassers?

Lastly, once inside Seth seems to go from one place to another. And then he wants to follow that silver-eyed lady? Why? If silver eyes are a bad omen, then he would want to stay away, right? Can he fight against her if she found him on her tail?

-- Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1419
Reviews 161
Well, I've edited it and put in a bit about there being no wards up when Seth and Cal break into the school though it will be explained properly in the next chapter. Thank you for your time.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 18
Well, I personally have nothing against fantasy thieves and I found yours quite interesting.

I kept wondering through out the story, though, who had magical abilities and who didn't. (if its everyone or just a few) and I was confused at some parts, but you said that everything shall be explained in the next chapter.

To summerise; I really liked it. It gripped me right from the first paragraph which is rare for me. I can't wait for the next chapter!



I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good... then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness.
— Leo Tolstoy