First Day As A Widow

this isn't a cliche.
i think it was written really great as a short story.
i loved how you described how the sister's hair smelt like bubblegum, and the how you described the deaths of the people at the first part.
i agree with your teacher too
you are a good writer, and you have potential
keep up the good work!

This is a really good piece, but the only thing that really nagged me was the fact that the funeral is on the day following the murder - this kind of upset the realism of the piece for me. But very well written!

you know. . . I never thought of that. . .

XD Thanks for pointing that out, Kayles

I liked it a lot. It was short, but sweet. I like the description of the cemetery and you seem to captured the main charactor's slightly frazzled (I love that word) state. Good Job!

The only odd thing I noticed was the sister's question. "Are you ok" seems like a really insensitive thing to say to a widow at her husband's funeral... Might just be me, but it seems like it would be taken for granted that she's not ok. Just something to think about.

Again, I loved it!

Keep up the good work!
~Azila

I thought it was written quite well, but the first paragraph was a little average. I didn't like the sentence "I looked at her and noticed that at least she managed to groom herself for the funeral."
It didn't seem to fit the rest of this piece, which was short and sweet. This sentence dragged on a bit.

you do realise I wrote this in ten minutes under pressure... don't you?