The Impossible Dream

With your story, it should be really interesting but it just doesn't grip the reader as much as it should.

I found your sentences too short and .....hmm.........simple. When I read a story I prefer the writing to be a bit more long, detailed and very explanatory

For example, for the very first two sentences of the prologue, I think that there needs to be an 'as' at the start of the first sentence and the following sentence could be more detailed and explain a bit more. As a simple example (though more could be added):
(the parts that I've added are in italic)

As Zanderic broke out of the trance, his eyes faded from the deep golden colour that had seeped into them when he fell into the dream state common to all seers. He gasped , his eyes darting around the luminous circular chamber where the other seers, which had previously been concerning themselves with their own affairs, were now turning curiously towards him.

In the first chapter, I wondered why Rian actually was following Zanderick.

Other than that its a good story idea, and I did really like it!!

I haven't actually read the second and third chapters, but I will and get back to you!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chapter Three Critique (Parts 1 & 2)
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"This is apparant. Why?"

I'm not sure whether this is the best word. Try saying it aloud replacing 'this' with 'that' and see which you like best. You may like the strange way it sounds when you say it like an elf would . Also, apparant is spelt 'apparent'.

"If you seek to steal form the Elves..."

Quick proof read needed! I think you meant 'from'.

The boy." Zanderick nodded towards Rian.

I can see what you mean but I think saying 'The boy and I.' would sound better.

The Elf whistled and a company of Elven rangers approached the fire.The Elves wore brown, leather armour that covered their torsos and thighs. Green cloaks hiding their faces.

Not sure about the capitals for 'elves' but I guess it's your choice what to do with them. Also, you use the present tense in the last sentence, so you need to replace it with 'hid'. You need to add the space between 'fire.The' too.

"The last time I was here, the forest belonged to the Ikshah."

You need to add the comma here.

The Elf cocked his head, unable to comprehend what was happening.

This is quite ugly to read. I'd try to change it for something else.

"It hasn't been that long, since we last met. Braynon." Zanderick's eyes shone brightly.

I'd replace the first full-stop with a comma because it seems to flow better that way.

Rian stood and stalked off to join the Elvish Rangers.

Ok, you chose 'Elven' previously so stick with that. It's best to keep the continuity going throughout the story.

Rian stood and stalked off to join the Elvish Rangers. The Rangers turned and stared at him for a while then went back to whatever they were doing before. Many of the Rangers had discarded their weapons and lit fires, those that hadn’t stood around the perimeter of the campsite acting as sentries for the company of Rangers.
Rian approached the Elven Ranger that sat alone by the fire, his cloak lying discarded beside him and his long golden hair flowing around his shoulders, gleaming in the firelight. The Ranger was staring up at the sky, watching the stars that were scattered across the night sky.

Whoa, I think you could completely cut out some of the repetition or change it for something else. Also, can you move the comma before 'gleaming' where I've put it in the quote.

“So you mind if I sit here?” Rian asked.

The Ranger grunted and Rian sat down next to him.

“So boy, what brings you to the forest of Laran?” Asked the Ranger.

It seems that both of your speechs start with the same word. Cut one out, and for the one that you leave, put a comma after it.

“Never mind.”

Cut this out completely! It's beautiful! It gives Zanderick a darker side and to have the Elf ignore the question would be great. Put in something like 'The Elf did not answer.'


Wow, your style of writing has flipped back to how it was originally! I have trouble pinning it down to you and you really need to think about how you want to write and try to do it all like that. I prefered your vivid descriptions so I'd love you to add the description to this and bulk it out a bit.

I'd agree that your sentence structure and writing can be a bit simple but if you introduce the description that you did in Chapter 2 then you should be ok.

Can't wait to read the rest of Chapter 3!

DarkLight

Chapter 4 Part 1

Zanderick sat quietly next to Braynon, watching Rian talk to the Elven Ranger. He cast his mind back to when he had last been to Alanar. It had been too long. He could remember almost every detail of the magnificent city. The stunning view of the opaque gardens, with the glistening, glass fountain, from which a steady flow of water came, the row upon row of white jade flowers, white flowers reaching up to grasp at the sunlight, the white, marble statues of Elven kings long dead. The glass walkways that connected the circular, white towers that rose up to pierce the clouds.

He stared off into the distance, only to be brought back to reality by the sound of Braynon’s voice “Rian and Shalla seem to be getting on well.”

“It appears so.”

“Where are you and Rian looking for?” asked Braynon.

Zanderick did not answer and Braynon didn’t pursue the issue further. He sat still for a while, unmoving then drew his long, slim sword, its blade reflecting the moonlight, his brown, leather armour making no noise as he moved. A cloud slowly passed over the moon. The firelight danced along the blade. He reached towards his belt, drew out an old rag and began to run it up and down the blade.

The moon broke through the cloud and showered light onto the clearing, the trees gained an odd white tinge, the small plants that protruded from the forest floor were highlighted for a second until the moon passed behind a cloud once more.

The sentries stood unmoving, an owl cried out and the night swept away all signs of disturbance.

Chapter 4 part 2
*****

A pair of deep yellow eyes gazed out into the clearing where the elves had made their camp. A small figure worked its way to a nearby tree and began to climb, its claws finding the natural handholds in the trees trunk, the small lizard launched itself off the tree and a pair of wings unfolded from its sides. It glided to the top of the tree and perched on a branch.

The lizard turned it gaze upon the small human boy who sat next to the fair haired elf, it paused for a few moments sitting perfectly still, then jumped of the top of the tree, spread its wings and glided down towards the boy. It landed on the boys chest and looked up at him with big wide eyes, the boy recoiled in shock, so the lizard hissed menacingly.

*****

Zanderick looked up and saw the lizard land on Rian, he started towards him, walking at a slow pace. Rian sat perfectly still after the lizard had hissed at him, not a muscle moved in his body and not a sound moved past his lips.

Zanderick stooped and pickked up the lizard, it wriggled and squirmed but gaze in after a few moments. He then started to scrath behind the lizards ear. The lizard made a strange purring noise and settled down. Peace returned to the campsite. The forest was silent, the trees stood, tall and proud, their dark green leaves moving in the breeze. The lizard looked up at Zanderick.

"He's harmless." Zanderick explained.

Part 3 will be posted within the next week.