A Dying Breed

I drink your words. Your voice is
my scripture
to this sick religion.
Our world is sicker.
We are trapped here.

Where God is love, God gives life,
life is God and love is life,
God is dead and love is dead
so life is dead.
Then what are we?

We are spirits
wandering this desolate plain,
searching for a purpose.
We'll find it nevermore.

It's hidden in the lies you told
last time we said good-bye.
It's sheltered in the greed you have
when you fill the gap.
The infamous hole which we all have
deep inside our screaming hearts.

"Ignorance is bliss."
"What you don't know can't hurt you."
The wise are those who suffer most,
not content
to fill the gaping, gushing chasm
with things, with vices.

The lie, entrenched.
They stare in wonder, into boiling, blinding depth
or plunge
until their eyes glimpse endless night.
But either way they see,
see clear as the water and sky
they long to comprehend.

I'd say "random list of phrases" pretty much sums up this poem. The phrases are choppy, disjointed, abstract, sometimes cliche. I don't even know what this is about! It jumps from one subject to another and only achieves a depressing, skittery tone.

Try to pick something specific to write about. One thing you saw or did that you thought was important or significant. Describe it in detail, in a new and unique way, and never come out and say, "This is what I'm trying to say. This is the moral. This is the end." Above all, read lots and lots of poetry.

At least use punctuation.

Colleen

While I appreciate your critique, I haven't yet showed this to anyone who couldn't grasp it's meaning.

My lack of punctuation is due to poetic license. I don't puncuate...ever.

And if you are going to take the time to write something about this poem, maybe you could give me some tips on how to make my writing better, because based on the weaknesses you pointed out, I don't know how to make it stronger.

Thanks.

Ravenna,


Don't kid yourself. It's garbage bin material, not to be recycled. It's a one-trick pony with its lists and a pseudo-meandering style that goes nowhere, fast.

It's not the worst poem ever written, but that's more a credit to the exceedingly low quality of most of the swill that is produced than it is to the redeeming features(?) of this effort.

Regardless of the poem's purpose or meaning (like Colleen, both of these are lost on me), you've failed at a more fundamental level: this piece never escapes your navel and ruminations about humanity at large. It's pretty boring.

Fill out the EPA form and call the landfill.


Best,
Brad

Augh. Once again another post by Incandescence that, though perhaps true, has been put in very harsh words and must be followed by a nicer post!

Ravenna, though I don't know much about poetry, I found this some food for the thought. I must agree with cadmium though, these feel more like musings.

Perhaps you should rewrite this to be a meaningful paragraph. If you do that, then I think this will be better, more enjoyable, and will make others think more about the words and their meaning than the lack of rhyme or the disjointedness.

Good luck, and don't give up!

...lack of rhyme?....I suppose that's the definition of free-verse, eh?

You punctuated "Ambition" in Dramatic Poetry. I liked that one. This piece does have punctuation. Six commas, one question mark, one hyphen, and four quotation marks, so yes, you have used punctuation.

In terms of making the writing better: What I said before. Pick one specific thing and write in detail about it. Give the reader a situation and something he or she can see, instead of abstract phrases.

Colleen

Well actually if you MUST know, I editted ambition because I realized that lack of puncuation just kind of ruins everything. Haha. Hey you learn something new every day.

Ravenna wrote:Well actually if you MUST know, I editted ambition because I realized that lack of puncuation just kind of ruins everything. Haha. Hey you learn something new every day.

*high-five*
You could...edit this one, too. Here's how I would do it:

I drink your words. Your voice is
my scripture
to this sick religion.
Our world is sicker,
trapped here.

Where God is love, God gives life.
Life is God, and love is life.
God is dead, and love is dead,
so life is dead.
Then what are we?

We are spirits,
wandering this desolate plain,
searching for a purpose.
We'll find it nevermore.

Hidden in the lies you told,
last time we said good-bye.
Sheltered in the greed you have,
when you fill the gap,
the infamous hole which we all have
deep inside our screaming hearts.

"Ignorance is bliss."
"What you don't know can't hurt you."
The wise are those who suffer most,
not content
to fill the gaping, gushing chasm
with things, with vices.
They are not strangers to emotion.

The wise, entrenched,
stare in wonder, into boiling depths,
or plunge
until their eyes glimpse endless night.
But either way, they see,
see clear as the water and sky
they long to comprehend.

In the beggining I really liked this, but towards the end it did seem like more rhyming from the first couple of lines was needed. It was sort of choppy and I got lost in its meaning with some of your other phrases. I suggest you look real long and hard and it and really take some time to decide what goes where and what should be taken out to clear up the true meaning of this. I got the just of it, don't get me wrong, but it would have been easier to understand and flow more fluidly with much editing.

Keep it up!
-Rieda