Ticking Heart, Beating Clock

Sweet sadist, the alarm clock that beats inside my heart
Ticks away the minutes until we meet once more
No sleeping pill, no shield of eyes would hold my slumber close
The memories of us are its rock-hard diamond core

Outside my window bluejays screech and dogs sing out a chorus
The stars explode and rays of sunshine dance upon the lake
The sounds are plenty, brightness strong, I toss and turn, contorted
But the noises of the morning aren't what's keeping me awake

Lying here with you in mind, the clock ticks ever slower
I guess in recent studies, the scientists have lied
They say that in your liveliness, the heartbeat's speed increases
Unless, as I hypothesize, you're killing me inside

It all makes sense in reason, my suffering and torture
As I wait, anticipating your calls that never come
It was useless, loving you. I pop another white one
My heart is even lazier. My pulse is like a drum.

My eyes are lax and crossed, like an old newspaper game
I realize that my life was good before I pined for you
The clock is breaking down, its gruesome motion halting
You got your wish and now I'm dying on the outside too.

Oh. My. Gosh. This was amazing.

Okay, first I noticed that your line with the rock-hard, diamond core. If it's diamond, it is harder than a rock, don't you think?

In general, your third stanza doesn't make a lot of sense.

And in your fourth stanza? I don't know how many people would actually understand what you meant by 'white one.'

This was...powerful. I can't think of another word to describe it. Go for it!

This was a powerful poem. I like how you used different ways to describe how sad the character is. How the their heart is broken. I have to say my favorite line is:

Outside my window bluejays screech and dogs sing out a chorus

I just love your description. I also love that there are few or no cliches. You're original, pure with your writing and I admire that.

Ravenna wrote:Sweet sadist, the alarm clock that beats inside my heart
Ticks away the minutes until we meet once more
No sleeping pill, no shield of eyes would hold my slumber close
The memories of us are its rock-hard diamond core

Outside my window bluejays screech and dogs sing out a chorus
The stars explode and rays of sunshine dance upon the lake
The sounds are plenty, brightness strong, I toss and turn, contorted
But the noises of the morning aren't what's keeping me awake

Lying here with you in mind, the clock ticks ever slower
I guess in recent studies, the scientists have lied
They say that in your liveliness, the heartbeat's speed increases
Unless, as I hypothesize, you're killing me inside

It all makes sense in reason, my suffering and torture
As I wait, anticipating your calls that never come
It was useless, loving you. I pop another white one
My heart is even lazier. My pulse is like a drum.

My eyes are lax and crossed, like an old newspaper game
I realize that my life was good before I pined for you
The clock is breaking down, its gruesome motion halting
You got your wish and now I'm dying on the outside too.

I do like this poem. The one problem I have is the first line of each stanza doesn't seem to fit correctly. I think they're too long.
Other then that, the flow is good. I also feel your pain.
Keep writing
~Kit

Hi,

I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, but the punctuation at the end of each line was irregularly distitributed. In fact, it was barely existent. Personally I don't have a problem with this, in fact I think it actually create an effect which complements the poem as a whole (I only counted four full stops in the poem, only two of which were placed at the end of a line, and each full stop was in the last two stanzas - maybe I'm looking too much into it, but I interpret that as symbolising death, finality, the end of the road, etc, which is of course appropriate).

"Outside my window bluejays screech and dogs sing out a chorus
The stars explode and rays of sunshine dance upon the lake"

Nice touch. Sort of psychadelic, it helps to establish an empathic link between the reader and the narrator; I feel high just reading it.

Going back to punctuation, the 'laziness' of it reflects the narrator's state of mind; it is like a depressed person talking. Only, it is filled with all sorts of seemingly inspired imagery and so on, which perhaps reflects the (sort of) 'creative' effect of drugs (not that I'm encouraging drug abuse, of course). The narrator seems to be descending despairingly into oblivion, seeing no reason to resist that descent.

On a final note...don't worry, I think most readers do know what you mean by 'white one'. That's assuming you mean drugs, and more specifically the sleeping pills you referred to earlier in the poem.

Sorry I didn't suggest any improvements. I couldn't really see anything to improve upon. Just keep on writing, I guess - this is good as it is.