Someone loves you

She hides under her "Emo" face
Says she doesn't need saving grace
Says she is content
living a life in a pit
but everytimes she tells this truth
Her hearts says it's a lie

All day she sits
In her little pit
Wanting to fly
But not knowing how
What is happiness?
She doesn't know
She is reaping what she sews


Time and time again
Her friends ask
If she's really happy as she is
Everytime it's the same
She continues with her little game
She doesn't need saving grace


All day she sits
In her little pit
Wanting to fly
But not knowing how
What is happiness?
She doesn't know
She is reaping what she sows


Tears fall like summer rain
Nothing is the same
Her acts of sarrow
Threaten to drown her
Her cuts are too deep
She needs saving grace
She needs freed from this place


Searching for hope
She finds it in a book
A promise
Never will I leave or forsake you
Could this be true?
Someone was waiting for her?
Someone loves her?


No longer will she sit in her little pit
She will Fly
Soar in the skys
She knows happiness
She is reaping what she sows

Searching for hope
She found it in a book
A promise
Never will I leave or Forsake you
this is true
Now she is free
Being all she can be


The black gave way to pink
Her grades came up
She smiles and laughs
Her moods have passed
The promise made for her
Is the same for you
Someone loves you

Very romantic, but what does this mean?:

She hides under her Emo face

magiclukehutch wrote:Very romantic, but what does this mean?:

She hides under her Emo face

Her sadness, as Emo usaly means depressed.

Krystalstars wrote:

magiclukehutch wrote:Very romantic, but what does this mean?:

She hides under her Emo face

Her sadness, as Emo usaly means depressed.

I didn't know that! It's true what they say, you do learn something new everyday.

that was cool, a little depressing but most serious good poems r either good or depressing, and i have just one question what kind of book did she find?

This poem didn't bring anything new to the table. It's rather flat, a little too straightforward, a little too broad. Most of the phrases in here are things we've all heard before; why not make them something new? Something the reader will read and say, "Yes!"

She hides under her Emo face

I have never seen the term "emo" used successfully in a poem. I would suggest putting in it quotes - "emo" - to show that she's labeled as that type of person or that she labels herself as that type of person.

All day she sits
In her little pit
Wanting to fly
But not knowing how
What is happiness?
She doesn't know
She is reaping what she sews

I like how you tied the idea of being in a pit into this stanza as well - or should I call it a verse? This seems to be song-like because of the repetition of this stanza, like a chorus.
"Wanting to fly/But not knowing how" is one of the most cliched metaphors ever used by songwriters. There are thousands of other ways to express that idea.
"Reaping what you sow" (see, sow is spelled with an o, unless you intended it to be sews like with thread, in which case that's bizarre) is also cliche, but I like its use here at the end of the stanza.

She needs freed from this place

Did you mean:
"She needs freedom from this place."
"She needs to be freed from this place."

Some punctuation would also be nice.

Colleen

One more thing, you don't use rare adjectives in poems. It ruins it and confuses the reader.

I didn't really read over the whole thing, gave the usual depressed teen cliche outlook, but I did like it for some reason. I could feel myself relating a little bit...But otherwise it was the usual. Depression. All that jazz.

anyway, punctuate! Poetry & Punctuation. Poetry should always (well....no, but if you read the article there you'll see what I mean) be punctuated. The article will hopefully help you out.

I don't have much to say, sorry! I'm not help today.

magiclukehutch wrote:One more thing, you don't use rare adjectives in poems. It ruins it and confuses the reader.

Was that a reference to "emo"? I didn't think there were any rare adjectives in this poem. Really, it's quite a common term unless you live under a rock.

Anyway, this poem might have been improved by a rare adjective or two. Currently it's really the usual stuff. *needs something new*

Colleen

author13 wrote:that was cool, a little depressing but most serious good poems r either good or depressing, and i have just one question what kind of book did she find?

The bible

magiclukehutch wrote:

Krystalstars wrote:

magiclukehutch wrote:Very romantic, but what does this mean?:

She hides under her Emo face

Her sadness, as Emo usaly means depressed.

I didn't know that! It's true what they say, you do learn something new everyday.

LOL
Dats funny, thought everyone (But me mum) knew what emo was

A little too blatantly religious for me, but then again I'm an aetheist, so what do I know. Still, religious poems have a tendency to say the same thing - God loves you, and when you love God, good things happen. The thing is, I could write the same poem by saying "when you learn to love yourself, you will have love always, and it will make you happy". But maybe that's the point. Whatever.
Anyway, since it is a religious poem, I thought maybe more emphasis could be on her transformation, on specific details on the way she changed. Did she carry herself differently? Did she do better at school? Were her nails painted black before and are they now purple with yellow dots? More concrete details would make it easier for my less-than-religious mind to find some meaning to the poem. It would also make it more real, more believable. It was too perfect, too plastic to affect my life. Oh, and take out all the repetitions of the chorus - that is sooo annoying to read. Even in songs the chorus doesn't usually get repeated after every verse, and even if they do, they're songs - they're allowed to. If this is a song, maybe you could just take out two of the repetitions in its written form.

Other than that... just curious, why is "Forsake" capitalized? (Probably a stupid question, sorry about that, I can be quite ignorant at times.)

Keep writing. I've noticed you write a lot of longer poems - have you ever tried confining yourself to a haiku or another shorter poem, just as an exercise? I'm not saying your long poems are bad or anything, just a suggestion I think might help your writing.

Hope that's been of some help!
~Sophie

Krystalstars,


You're showing very little, if any, progress with your writing.

You continue to rely on gimmicks. As an example, the short lines in S4 don't merit the attention you propose for them. Your short strophes become irritants by the time the poem ends.

The work continues to be unfocused and largely prosaic. S7 is an example of this.

I'd advise you to continue or established a reading program.


All the best,
Brad

BFG wrote:A little too blatantly religious for me, but then again I'm an aetheist, so what do I know. Still, religious poems have a tendency to say the same thing - God loves you, and when you love God, good things happen. The thing is, I could write the same poem by saying "when you learn to love yourself, you will have love always, and it will make you happy". But maybe that's the point. Whatever.
Anyway, since it is a religious poem, I thought maybe more emphasis could be on her transformation, on specific details on the way she changed. Did she carry herself differently? Did she do better at school? Were her nails painted black before and are they now purple with yellow dots? More concrete details would make it easier for my less-than-religious mind to find some meaning to the poem. It would also make it more real, more believable. It was too perfect, too plastic to affect my life. Oh, and take out all the repetitions of the chorus - that is sooo annoying to read. Even in songs the chorus doesn't usually get repeated after every verse, and even if they do, they're songs - they're allowed to. If this is a song, maybe you could just take out two of the repetitions in its written form.

Other than that... just curious, why is "Forsake" capitalized? (Probably a stupid question, sorry about that, I can be quite ignorant at times.)

Keep writing. I've noticed you write a lot of longer poems - have you ever tried confining yourself to a haiku or another shorter poem, just as an exercise? I'm not saying your long poems are bad or anything, just a suggestion I think might help your writing.

Hope that's been of some help!
~Sophie

It twas and I'll be working on it. For some reason I really love this one. Sorry about all the religion (Spelling?) it's become natural to mention God in almost everything I do now. I love the idea of specifics and I'll probably add some, as for the whole writing shorter stuff....I've tried many times and I just can't seem to! LOL

Incandescence wrote:Krystalstars,


You're showing very little, if any, progress with your writing.

You continue to rely on gimmicks. As an example, the short lines in S4 don't merit the attention you propose for them. Your short strophes become irritants by the time the poem ends.

The work continues to be unfocused and largely prosaic. S7 is an example of this.

I'd advise you to continue or established a reading program.


All the best,
Brad

Ummm..S4?????
I'm sorry about the slow progress but right now I'm working on several huge things in my life so writting has taken a back seat..........(My poor books....)
Trying harder,
Krystal stars.

p.s. Terms I have no clue what they mean: short strophes and prosaic.