In-Between

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This is a very interesting message, and it reminds me of this book I read when I was younger called "Seeing the Blue Between."

The real problem here was that it was doing too much telling rather than showing. Instead of letting me interpret for myself that people don't notice the space between the stars, the "message" is simply smacked onto my computer screen. Subtlety is one of the most important things to accomplish with a poem.

But they miss the real awe
The place in-between that allows the stars to shine.

Calling it "the real awe" is like talking down to your reader, like you have to explain it's the real awe. Instead, describe that area in such a way that will make the reader realize its beauty. Or:
But they miss it:
The place in-between that allows the starts to shine.
Actually, the last line is kind of sketchy, too, but in a different way. I think it's the word "allows". It doesn't really fit with the tone, and the phrase is awkward.

It is the biggest place in the sky
But is seen the least
Because it does not sparkle.

Sparkle makes me think of little girl in princess dresses. Perhaps not the best choice of words.
This entire thing is really very moral-y and tell-y. It makes the poem dry; I can't suck anything out of it, I can't get more than what's there, because you've already laid it all out for me.

Fantastic start, though!
Colleen

Have you ever read the Lost Years of Merlin series by T.A. Barron? In the in-between-earth-and-heaven land of Fincayra, they find constellations using the points in between the stars. It reminded me of that.

I appreciate the review. I don't necessarily agree with everything you said: I've written plenty of subtle stuff in my time, and sometimes a face-value poem can be nice, I think. We have Nathaniel Hawthorne to be obscure, and while dodgey terms have their place in the world, a simple affirmation, clear-cut, can also have its value.

I see what you mean about the other points, however, and will try my best to rectify them. Thank you.

Random digression: "Seeing the Blue Between." I have that book!

Anyway. I like the message, Scribus, but I agree with cadmium, it does come off as a bit ... flat and preachy. Clear-cut is all very well, but (I personally think) poems work better when you also have something to take away from them. If you see what I mean. Um. Maybe there's a way of being open without spelling things out?

I see your point.

So here's the test: If it is really that dry and obvious, tell me what the poem means. ~_^

Were you meaning for this poem not to rhyme? I like the message, but i was just curious of the lack of rhyme.

No, it's not supposed to rhyme. In fact, I only call it a poem because I have nothing else to call it. It's an idea that is important to me, and concerns me daily, and I felt I should, therefore, express it, however minutely, lol.

What I take it to be is the fact that there is all this great amount of space that separates us from anything else out there; space incomprehensible to the majority of us, yet when we look at the sky, all we see and think about are the stars.

Now if there are any symbolic meanings to this, they have gone beyond me.

I liked it for what it was. It could have been a bit more "poetic" as they say, but not everything needs to be mysterious.

scribbles, are you on a poetry streak? Youve written heaps in the last couple of days! goodness!

No, not really a poetry streak. I've had this stuff floating around and I thought I'd throw it on. I'm not really crazy about my poetry; quite frankly, I have strong distaste. I love poetry, mind you, just no particular interest in pursuing it as a craft, since I really lack the skill or scope for it.

TheEccentricScribe wrote:We have Nathaniel Hawthorne to be obscure, and while dodgey terms have their place in the world, a simple affirmation, clear-cut, can also have its value.

Obscure and subtle are not the same thing at all.

TheEccentricScribe wrote:So here's the test: If it is really that dry and obvious, tell me what the poem means. ~_^

It is obvious. People are always talking about how gorgeous the stars are, but no one ever really notices the space in between them, the empty black stretch of space. It's the thing that's really beautiful, but people don't see it because they're too busy looking at the stars. Perhaps it's too hard for them to contemplate the space; the stars are easier because they're sparkly and attractive.

No, really, obscure and subtle are not the same thing. This poem would do well with a good dose of subtlety, but not obscurity.

Colleen

Yeah, yeah, the two tries have gotten the basic meaning of the poem, but you've missed the point behind the meaning.

The point behind the meaning...what? That people are shallow? If you're intending that we get something else, then it seems this poem has failed to get it across.

And isn't that redundant?

I really liked the meaning of this poem. It was short, but far from simple, it really made me think and I enjoyed how much you put into so little words. Great Job!


Keep at it!
-Rieda