Ice Castle

We have sharp edges.
We are isolated icicle pillars,
doomed to forever-hate
and never-meet.

Lovely accusations
pepper our surfaces
until we move like glaciers
and take everything with us.

Even the salt of the earth
could not melt our melded gazes.

I like the style, short and icy. I don't think that the hyphens in the first stanza are necessary. I really enjoyed it.

I like how it is nice and up beat but you could probably make it a little bit longer. but so far i really liked it

Sami! ah, good to see you back on lit forums

I love the first stanza. And I think the hyphens are necessary, but that's me.

Can I make a suggestion in the secone stanza? What do you think of taking out "and take" and using "taking" instead?

Also, I read "Lovely" as "lonely"...

Other than that, me like, for lack of better description.

Hmm, I say leave the "and take".

I really liked this. Good idea! I wonder why it's "Ice Castle"? From that title, I expected something rather like a fairy tale. This just seems to be about ice. Is it just making something beautiful and fairy-tale-ish out of something so natural? Hence the references to pillars? Or are we actually talking about a castle? I doubt that.

One big question: Who is "we"? Is is all the pieces of ice speaking? Are they saying "Stop global warming?" Heehee, I thought of that when the glaciers moving came up.

We have sharp edges.
We are isolated icicle pillars,

The first line seemed a little too blunt. All of the other phrases are long, drawn-out (but in a good way) and this is a short little sentence. Perhaps you could put a semi-colon after "edges" and simply continue the sentence throughout the whole stanza as in stanza two. Of course, it would mostly be read out loud the same way, but...I really like the idea of making one sentence = one stanza.

doomed to forever-hate
and never-meet.

Like Meshugenah, I like the hyphens here. They are necessary, I suppose, if you're going to create words. Without the hyphens the words seem kind of...unimportant. Spliced together, they're interesting, unique.

Lovely accusations

When I first read this, I read "lonely accusations" with an "n". The word "lovely" is poetic, but I don't quite understand why the accusations are lovely.

Even the salt of the earth
could not melt our melded gazes.

YES! YES!!
In case you couldn't tell, I wholeheartedly approve of that last stanza.

Colleen

*laughs* I like when people disagree with what to change and what to keep. Makes me think I've done something right.

I'll give a little background on the poem (wanted to get your initial reactions, first, since I might be using this for Verbivore).

When I wrote this, it was about my family. "Ice Castle" refers to our house, and we are the pieces of ice. Back then, we all seemed to be cold to each other, and we didn't show affection or anything. It seemed like we just couldn't connect.

Actually, I posted this after a similar incident that left me "frigid," as the other person stated. It reminded me of this poem, so I decided to put it out there.

Mesh, I hope this is the start of my return to the lit forums...

This was really nice as a short poem. When I first saw it I thought that it possible wasn't going to have enough but after reading through it had just the right amout of everything. Loved it!



Keep at it!
-Rieda