Duck

Out of the well-oiled body
slide sleek, dark chocolate blades,
churning gold-wrought
wavering circles in the grey-greeny
shadows of the glades.

The crackle-paint feet are revving,
the bubbles are issuing forth,
the metallic surface
scatters bronze bebes on the
teary-eyed sunset of froth.

Pearls of reflection are rolling
down sickles of feathery bone,
their even drips a rhythmic
consolation to the
frantic chaos below.

I think its beautiful the way this flows. The rhythm works brilliantly. The rhyme scheme matches the rhythm and aids the fluidity of the piece. I think it's great.

Ooh, nice. I like how the title is so simple and explains a rather cryptic poem.

I felt that the rhyme wasn't quite...obvious...enough. Of course, rhyme should be subtle, but these might have just been too far apart.

The diction in here was burying me. There were so many adjectives and complex phrases. I counted six adjectives in the first stanza alone, assuming "dark chocolate" is one. They are gorgeous images, but they're a little hard for the reader to sort out.

Some descriptions, too, a little stretched/cryptic. Some examples:

teary-eyed sunset of froth

Pearls of reflection are rolling
down sickles of feathery bone

That last one is easier to understand, but it's still so complex. I had to read it a few times before I could get an image in my head.

Overall, I love the attention to detail and the exquisite description of the duck in motion. The ending really grabbed me, too, although chaos may not be the best word - it's a little overused, know what I mean?
Exquisite, yes, I think that's the right word to describe what glory you've given the duck in this poem. Like a museum model, only alive. Good work!

Colleen

Thanks, guys! I was having trouble getting this poem to move - I agree that it's too heavily loaded with adjectives, too wordy. I was so focused on the image in my mind, I forgot about communicating it to others! I'm working on a revision right now- I'll post it when I'm done. Thanks again for the comments!

I like all the adjective. That's the problem that I have with my poetry.

I loved it. The flow was excellent, and the imagry was amazing, though I was confused about the title.

How is the title confusing? It's a duck! That's what makes this poem cool. It's centered around a duck, with all these gorgeous descriptions...yay for unique poetry that's NOT about slitting wrists!

Colleen

Hehe

Yes, I seem to have gotten that element of poetry right at any rate.

You have gotten many elements of poetry right, my dear, but yes, this is a really good example of focused description of one unconventional object. *bows*

Out of the well-oiled body
churning gold-wrought
wavering circles in the grey-greeny
The crackle-paint feet are revving,
teary-eyed sunset of froth.

I think it explains itself.

Beautiful imagery, though. "Chocolate blades"? I was nearly drooled. "oiled" sort of made my day, too. I enjoy the word choices immensely.