Winnabego Land

In Winnebago land,
There ruled a skeleton king
With his fleshy, pretty queen.
And in the night
When the lights were gone,
They'd go into their Winnebago
And preform unspeakable deeds.
Flesh and bone should never dance together.
The dead and living should never mingle;
But here was there even more!
May Day of the dead and damned.
Only the queen still had a heart beat.
Such were their acts,
Their dances and contortions!
Try if you will to flee,
They will surely capture you,
Bury you in a coffin with eyes,
To watch their train wreck of decay.
Volital mesh it is.
The hot smell of rot
As each convulsion is fufilled.
Eyes clenched tight,
In vain.
Now simply to see without seeing.
Pulsating, open sores of love,
Moving to the beat of the Queen's heart.

With his fleshy pretty queen,

add a comma after 'fleshy' to separate the two adjectives.

The constant use of commas at the end of the line got annoying, and though the story was cute it sort of went off in every direction and fell apart at the end. I think it would do better with rhythm, or meter, to it to give it some kind of structure.

May DAy of the dead and damned.

typo. And, to me, this line makes no sense....

this was a fairy tale sort of poem, up until you started saying "I" that really broke the flow, the beauty of the whole thing. It was so third person up until then, that it was surprising to see the "I" and kind of screws up what you have going.

Like I said, towards the end it sort of fell over. It might have been your description. It's very abstract, and not even in a good way. You just sort of....very meagerly described everything, to such a little extent that I can't see it for myself, I can't imagine what you are speaking of at all. You only make pretty words.

I really beg you to fix the punctuation. Poetry & Punctuation, I gave some useful tips on the importance of punctuation in that article, it may help you out. With all the commas, it just gets dull and boring. And you have to think in not just lines and verses, but in sentences as well because there are still sentences in poetry.

And if thats true, this would be one terribly annoying run on:

Only the queen still had a heart beat,
And such were their acts,
Their dances and contortions,
That I tried with all my heart to flee,
Only to be captured,
Buried in a seplicure with eyes,
To watch this train wreck of decay.

I think you get my point Certainly isn't bad, but could use some fixing. And I'm just noticing, spell check isn't picking up "seplicure" you might want to figure out what exactly you were trying to say, because I haven't a clue what you were shooting for with that one.

Personally I believe that adding structure to any of my poetry is like putting ketchup on a $30 steak, you just don't do it...and if you do it ruins the flavor of it all. Thanks for your review!
~Six

I'm afraid adding structure in this instance would be more like adding a $30 steak to a plateful of ketchup.

Best,
Trident

Trident wrote:I'm afraid adding structure in this instance would be more like adding a $30 steak to a plateful of ketchup.

Best,
Trident

Did Trident just pull a Brad?

Anyway, I have no idea what this poem means. I mean, I get this contrast of living and dead, of flesh and bone, but what other purpose does this poem serve? Everything beyond "But here I saw even more" was a mystery.

So, Winnebago is a Native American reference. Does this mean the poem is set in the American midwest? Or does it mean this is like an old Winnebago legend? What is it?
And the Winabego of the title and the Winnebago of two times in the poem are different. Is this intended or merely a mistake?

I kind of liked the idea as relating to Persephone and Hades, but it obviously was not intended that way.

Colleen

You people look far too deeply at some points and then not deeply enough in others. If all you can see are grammatical errors then you're missing the point of poetry. You all far too young to be so A.R. As for this peice *sighs* there was no underlying meaning at the time of writing it. It was a dream I had, one I just couldn't shake. So I wrote it down. ^_^ I think it's pretty nifty myself. Mores the pity for the rest of you.

CaptinSix,


You post here in full knowledge of the type of criticisms given. It is not un-understandable why some may stick to grammar in this case, because there isn't anything else to study.

This isn't working for me for several reasons.

1. There is virtually no detail about what is going on here. You've brought it to show, but all it does is tell.

2. It is not a coherent work. It's a dream, you say, but we don't need the (lack of) structure and precision to be clumsily rehashed in the form of a poem for us to understand that.

3. This is boring and uninteresting. Not one line packs a punch; not one line reveals something about the nature of the situation. The end is so cliched it made me laugh.

It would help if the eyes which see the decay would also see something worth writing about.


Best,
Brad

*giggles* Oh I simply can't wait to make your brains ache once more! How splendid!

This reminded me of The Corpse Bride.

I agree - stop using commas! I almost couldn't get through it because my mind would pause at the end of each line and I couldn't make the whole thing connect.

If you post here, then you're asking for critiques. Please do not simply reject all attempts to better your piece. After all, a writer should constantly be trying to better his or her writing.

Get rid of the commas, and I might take another look at it.

See I respond better to this kind of critque. (however you spell that) Consider the commas detached and buried in shallow graves. ^_^
Keep on , Keepin' on,
Capn't Six

Okay did a quick revise. For all of your pretentiousness you had some valid points. I like it better now. ^_^

I agree with the one who said the point was kinda lost on making it first person instead of third, that sudden shift was too abrupt. Other than that, I thought it was a beautiful piece. I loved the images.

It needs something but I can't put my finger on it. I'm thinking maybe a more loose complex. It was kind of straight-line-ish, it would be really nice if you broadened certain areas and closed off others. I don't know if that helps because I'm still sort of contemplating what the poem needs but I'll get back to you on it.