No title yet. something I'll think of later-draft chaptr 1

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I just got this weird feeling that I wanted to write something with ghosts in it, lol, so this is chapter one of the thing i wrote. please! all critiques are welcome cos I plan on actually writing more than a first chapter.


The hallway was deserted. A very unusual occurrence for a hotel. My black polished business shoes were the only shoes walking around. It was 4 in the afternoon, which surprised me. But it was a fancy hotel, in the most luxurious holiday spot for miles. There were plenty of honeymooners, so I assumed they were all occupied in acts of sex and the like. All the families were most likely sight-seeing, to get the kids to shut up. So I suppose it wasn't quite as unusual as I first thought. It was a beautiful day, in mid spring. I wished I was sight-seeing rather than coming back from work.


I reached the door of my hotel room. Number 428. I pulled out the suiting key from my pants pocket. While inserting the silver key into the hole, I heard a moan from the room next door. I had met the couple that rented out that room. They were both in their 20s and recently married. That moan had answered my question. I rolled my eyes and pushed open the now unlocked door.


I stepped inside the suite. I shut the door and kicked off my shoes, so my feet, still wrapped in socks, massaged themselves on the ivory fluffy carpet. Walking over to the kitchen to grab myself a beer from the mini bar, I passed my mobile phone. I never take it with me to work. As if it had some sort of movement sensor, it rang as I looked at it. I scoffed and picked it up to answer it.

"Hello?" I asked into the receiver.

"Hello, Jake?" Asked the voice which I immediately identified to be my agent, Kendall.

"Ken, hey, what's up?" I spoke casually, continuing my journey to the mini bar.

"Not much, my man. We just got a phone call asking for you. Someone by the name of Jim Peters."

"Oh yeah?" I reached into the fridge for a can of VB. "What did he want?"

I shut the mini bar and walked back to the couch. I dumped my bum on the cushions and popped open the can and took a deep swig.

"He asked if you could pay a visit to a town called Sheffield to investigate a haunted house." Kendall told me.

I sighed and took another large gulp from the sweating can in my hand.

"Why me? I'm on vacation." I complained.

"No one else will do it, mate. And weren't you looking for a ghost in the first place? Isn't that why I payed for you to go to that fancy ass hotel?"

I laughed.

"Yeah mate, that's true. But I like it here."

The moaning next door increased and I knew someone was coming, surely.

"I get free porn." I laughed, mocking the sex grunts.

Kendall laughed, but soon got serious.

"Mate, I need you to do this. You got all that special equipment and the know-how. That junior, Marty, well, he can't tell a ghost from a rose thorn. And no one else is available. They're all with their wives and husbands and partners and kids. No offense mate but you got no one to spend your time with, except the porn stars you seem to enjoy, since you've cost me 400 bucks already."

"400?" I asked in disbelief. "Not that much surely."

"No, you're right, it's more. Mini-bars cost you know, and the hotel is 40 a night."

"The exorcism took longer than I thought." I said, sounding embarrassed.

"Yep, sure. Well, you got another one on your plate. And that guy Jim Peters tells me you'll be seeing a lot of a hot little number he calls a niece. She runs tours at this old family house, and Jim reckons it's haunted. All I'm saying is, a bit o' time with the niece will pay off."

"Oh yeah? She's hot?" I asked, taking several sips of beer. I felt nervous already, and I hadn't even met the girl.

"I haven't seen her myself, but Jim Peters sent me a picture of this ol' man he believes is haunting the place, and the niece was in the photo. If she's still in as good shape as she was then, you'll be dreamin' of her for weeks."

There was a pause while I tried to picture what the niece looked like. It takes a huge amount of good looks and a cute bum to earn the title of hot from Kendall. He's the most shallow man since Shallow Hal, and even he sees the error of his ways. So I agreed to go check out the house at Sheffield. Quite frankly, I folded like a beach chair. The words "Hot" "Young" and "Girl" hypnotise me. I was single, and 30 in 2 months. I wasn't getting any younger and I was always on the look out for a girl who takes my fancy. Thing is, all the girls with the right body have brains as dead as doorknobs and as interesting as a blank piece of paper, but all the girls who are interesting and worth a conversation are either lesbians, not interested or old. Every time I hear those words I always pray the girl will be interesting as well. A strong opinion, her own beliefs, and knows the meaning of the word nonplussed. And I had a strong feeling about niece Peters.[/i]




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Hello!
It's an interesting story, but there are a few mistakes.
Little-Lucy wrote:The hallway was deserted. A very unusual occurrence for a hotel.
This should all be one sentence, with two hypens in between. In newer versions of Microsoft Word, AutoCorrect turns these hypens into a dash.

The hallway was deserted--a very unusual occurrence for a hotel.
The hallway was deserted—a very unusual occurrence for a hotel.


Little-Lucy wrote:It was a beautiful day, in mid spring. I wished I was sight-seeing rather than coming back from work.
Mid-spring has a hyphen in between, not a space. Although, I've heard that some countries aren't as strict about things like that.


Little-Lucy wrote:I reached the door of my hotel room. Number 428.
There should be a colon, not a period. Even if you were trying to add a short sentence for dramatic effect, you'd need a colon here.

I reached the door of my hotel room: number 428.


Little-Lucy wrote:I shut the door and kicked off my shoes, so my feet, still wrapped in socks, massaged themselves on the ivory fluffy carpet.
When using two adjectives to describer a noun, place a comma between them.

I shut the door and kicked off my shoes, so my feet, still wrapped in socks, massaged themselves on the fluffy, ivory carpet.


Little-Lucy wrote:Isn't that why I payed for you to go to that fancy ass hotel?
It's paid, not payed. Different countries use different forms of English, so I could be wrong.


Little-Lucy wrote:The words "Hot" "Young" and "Girl" hypnotise me.
It's hypnotize, not hypnotise. Again, it probably depends on the country.


Little-Lucy wrote:I was single, and 30 in 2 months.
Traditionally, people are supposed to write out numbers lower than [or equal to] ten.


Is there an ending to this story? I'd be interested in hearing about the ghost and the girl[niece].

Keep up the creative work,

McMourning.
"One voice can be stronger than a thousand voices, " Captain Kathryn Janeway




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The hallway was deserted. A very unusual occurrence for a hotel. My black polished business shoes were the only shoes walking around. It was 4 in the afternoon, which surprised me. But it was a fancy hotel, in the most luxurious holiday spot for miles. There were plenty of honeymooners, so I assumed they were all occupied in acts of sex and the like. All the families were most likely sight-seeing, to get the kids to shut up. So I suppose it wasn't quite as unusual as I first thought. It was a beautiful day, in mid spring. I wished I was sight-seeing rather than coming back from work.

- Why is unusual? I think you need to describe what the hallway lacks. The lack of sound and humour, of clean air and the feeling of life. Although I realize you do this well later in the paragraph… I think and initial establishment would be nice. Also, the use of “my black polished business shoes” has too many adjectives in there, delete one or two.

I reached the door of my hotel room. Number 428. I pulled out the suiting key from my pants pocket. While inserting the silver key into the hole, I heard a moan from the room next door. I had met the couple that rented out that room. They were both in their 20s and recently married. That moan had answered my question. I rolled my eyes and pushed open the now unlocked door.

I stepped inside the suite. I shut the door and kicked off my shoes, so my feet, still wrapped in socks, massaged themselves on the ivory fluffy carpet. Walking over to the kitchen to grab myself a beer from the mini bar, I passed my mobile phone. I never take it with me to work. As if it had some sort of movement sensor, it rang as I looked at it. I scoffed and picked it up to answer it.

- Why doesn’t he take it to work? Perhaps a line on how much of a distraction it is?

"Hello?" I asked into the receiver.

"Hello, Jake?" Asked the voice which I immediately identified to be my agent, Kendall.

"Ken, hey, what's up?" I spoke casually, continuing my journey to the mini bar.

"Not much, my man. We just got a phone call asking for you. Someone by the name of Jim Peters."

"Oh yeah?" I reached into the fridge for a can of VB. "What did he want?"

I shut the mini bar and walked back to the couch. I dumped my bum on the cushions and popped open the can and took a deep swig.

- The second “I” here disrupts the flow; make it into a sentence without the possessive so early “Dumping my bum on the cushions and popping open the can, I took a deep swig” – or something. ^^

"He asked if you could pay a visit to a town called Sheffield to investigate a haunted house." Kendall told me.

I sighed and took another large gulp from the sweating can in my hand.

"Why me? I'm on vacation." I complained.

"No one else will do it, mate. And weren't you looking for a ghost in the first place? Isn't that why I payed for you to go to that fancy ass hotel?"

- “paid”


I laughed.

"Yeah mate, that's true. But I like it here."

The moaning next door increased and I knew someone was coming, surely.

"I get free porn." I laughed, mocking the sex grunts.

Kendall laughed, but soon got serious.

"Mate, I need you to do this. You got all that special equipment and the know-how. That junior, Marty, well, he can't tell a ghost from a rose thorn. And no one else is available. They're all with their wives and husbands and partners and kids. No offense mate but you got no one to spend your time with, except the porn stars you seem to enjoy, since you've cost me 400 bucks already."

- This seems a little run on. You may want to think of taking out some of the filler, or combining it into one thing.

"400?" I asked in disbelief. "Not that much surely."

"No, you're right, it's more. Mini-bars cost you know, and the hotel is 40 a night."

"The exorcism took longer than I thought." I said, sounding embarrassed.

"Yep, sure. Well, you got another one on your plate. And that guy Jim Peters tells me you'll be seeing a lot of a hot little number he calls a niece. She runs tours at this old family house, and Jim reckons it's haunted. All I'm saying is, a bit o' time with the niece will pay off."

"Oh yeah? She's hot?" I asked, taking several sips of beer. I felt nervous already, and I hadn't even met the girl.

"I haven't seen her myself, but Jim Peters sent me a picture of this ol' man he believes is haunting the place, and the niece was in the photo. If she's still in as good shape as she was then, you'll be dreamin' of her for weeks."

- He’s seen her, but not in person, a slightly important distinction.

There was a pause while I tried to picture what the niece looked like. It takes a huge amount of good looks and a cute bum to earn the title of hot from Kendall. He's the most shallow man since Shallow Hal, and even he sees the error of his ways.

- “Most shallow” can be changed to “shallowest”

So I agreed to go check out the house at Sheffield. Quite frankly, I folded like a beach chair. The words "Hot" "Young" and "Girl" hypnotise me. I was single, and 30 in 2 months. I wasn't getting any younger and I was always on the look out for a girl who takes my fancy.

- “lookout” is one word… I’m not sure if the second is redundant… it sounds a little unneeded, but doesn’t necessarily need to go.

Thing is, all the girls with the right body have brains as dead as doorknobs and as interesting as a blank piece of paper, but all the girls who are interesting and worth a conversation are either lesbians, not interested or old.

- Run on. Make this into two or even three sentences to make it hit harder, and make more sense.

Every time I hear those words I always pray the girl will be interesting as well. A strong opinion, her own beliefs, and knows the meaning of the word nonplussed. And I had a strong feeling about niece Peters.

I like this, Sugar. I think you’ve done well on it, and if you continue (I’ll have to check) I think I’ll really get stuck into it. ^^

Nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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Hey, Luc. I know this an old piece, but it'd on the first page now, so it's fair game. ;)

I stepped inside the suite. I shut the door

Watch out for your sentence beginnings there. Try to vary them a bit more.

I shut the door and kicked off my shoes, so my feet, still wrapped in socks, massaged themselves on the ivory fluffy carpet.

This is a bit of a run on, and could be worded as: "I shut the door and kicked off my shoes. The furry carpet massaged my feet, even through my socks."

Asked the voice which I immediately identified to be my agent, Kendall.

I believe that asked should be in lower case.

I dumped my bum on the cushions and popped open the can and took a deep swig.

Grr... Two "ands" in one sentence?

That junior, Marty, well, he can't tell a ghost from a rose thorn.

By the way he goes on about the niece later, I'm sure he would be likely to use more vulgar words than "rose thorn." xD

I like these sort of stories, and this one has me fairly interested in where it's gonna go. I know it's old, and that you have a lot on your plate, but it might be nice to come back to an old piece. I'll look forward to it if you do. :)

-Mat




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... Mat, didn't I tell you to leave this alone?

**is mad**




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I'm sorry. It was begging me for a crit. :)




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it was not! What was begging for you to crit is something crit worthy! Gah!

Go crit something -recent-, something I actually -care- about!

XD




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Fine. Anything in particular that you would like critted? xD




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Yes, actually. Uh... um...

Well, you've critted almost everything -anyway-



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