My Maiden and the Tree

I hope the repitition wasn't too overused. I wanted to make it rhyme, thus it could have been one of the types of poems I was studying about *Forgets* but I just decided to make my own twist on it... I hope you like it... ... Yay, poem!





She stood there with bleeding eyes
against the pale moon and crimson sky
as stars dulled down on her with their vanishing glow.
She promised that she would return to me
another dying night before the world ended
So I waited against the oak tree.

So I waited against the oak tree,
with my eyes closed, waiting to feel the brush of
my fair maidens’ tattered gown on my face.
The sun never rose without her and still
I never gave up hope until one night
she stood there with bleeding eyes.

Another dying night before the world ended
I was able to see this beauty, her eyes glossed
with sadness, with pear shaped diamonds for tears.
I stood up to be with her, our fingers laced together
And we twirled around the oak tree, dancing silently
Against the pale moon and crimson sky

As stars dulled down on her with their vanishing glow,
she too left without a kiss, not waving, looking back
and I leaned against the oak tree, waiting.
I must have slept a century, for when I awoke
my oak tree was gone, thus she was gone, although
she promised that she would come back to me.

Awww...it's so sad! But it's truly ewly beautiful. I love it!

ditto. i didn't think the repetition was overused, but effective. well done.

this is very sad and beautiful. i am not too good at reviewing and critiqing poetry, but i enjoyed this. i agree that you used the reptition affectively and it has a steady rhythm to it. i think it was very meaningful and sad... can i ask where you got the inspiration for this? I'm always curious as to where poeple got their ideas!

Yours
BlackDove

You kinda waver over different subjects but your verses are really neat.

Hello Elizabeth!

First of all, I LOVE the title. It brings to mind a greek myth where Apollo falls in love with this maiden who is turned to a tree to protect her from being raped by Apollo. Which is actually kind of morbid now that I think about it, but still! Lovely title!

Now I'm going through this poem with a very nit-picky comb, probably since I just had a discussion with my grandpa, the English teacher, about good poetry. His opinion is that the less words used to convey a moment, the better, especially words like adjectives.

Let's run through the poem, shall we?

She stood there with bleeding eyes
against the pale moon and crimson sky

Here, the adjectives in the second line make the poem stumble a little. Pale moon and crimson sky? Not only is that a little cliched but the metering seems to make it so that this line is top-heavy compared to the first line. Instead of using colors, consider putting characterization of the moon and sky to make them characters in the poem. That way, you can use strong verbs be used as adjectives.

as stars dulled down on her with their vanishing glow.

Here, I think you could cut some words here and say that "as stars dulled the sky with their fading glow" or something to that effect. Now, it's a little long and forced.

She promised that she would return to me

Here, the narrator is introduced, but it's a little surprising when she enters the scene because this it seems like it's in third person.

another dying night before the world ended

The world ending sounds a little bit too dramatic... I think you can lower the description just a little bit.

So I waited against the oak tree.

Lol. Oak trees, to me, are little lone scraggly things in a field of gold. Don't we love living in California?

Still, I like this because you're using oak tree (strong as an oak), but I think you might be getting it kind of confused? The narrator seems to be acting strong, but you say he is "against the oak." So does this mean he's against strength? You might want to fix the symbolism a little so that a more appropriate word, if this image is wrong, is used instead.

with my eyes closed, waiting to feel the brush of

Get rid of "with." Also, I think it would be smoother if you said, "waiting for the brush of" so that it would create a more vivid image.

my fair maidens’ tattered gown on my face.

It should be "maiden's." Also, I would get rid of "on my face" since I like the ambiguity of where this tattered gown touches his body.

The sun never rose without her and still

So it's completely dark?

I never gave up hope until one night
she stood there with bleeding eyes.

So he gives up hope when she appears to him?

Another dying night before the world ended

Hm... I don't like this line, as previously mentioned. Let's see... maybe get rid of the word "dying?" I say this because it seems like if the world is going to end, then the night will die. OR! You can say, "before the world died" and this might create a more vivid picture.

I was able to see this beauty, her eyes glossed

Mmm.... this is not an essay. You don't have to introduce us that you're speaking about "this beauty."

with sadness, with pear shaped diamonds for tears.

I would rather have her eyes glossed with pear-shaped diamonds... you don't have to tell us what exactly you're talking about. Vague is good in certain occasions.

I stood up to be with her, our fingers laced together

*tweaks*

I stood up to be with her? How more cumbersome can you get? Try something else. Even "I rose to dance" would be better. Or something! Actually... maybe I would say, "our fingers laced together" and just leave it at that? In any case, you must change that.

And we twirled around the oak tree, dancing silently

I like the words "twirled," "oak," and "tree." Dancing silently, especially the word "silently" is overdone.

Against the pale moon and crimson sky
As stars dulled down on her with their vanishing glow,

Same suggestion as above. This right now is too... cliched really to be very poetic. Come up with something pretty for this important description.

she too left without a kiss, not waving, looking back

I would probably end this poem at "without a kiss" since that would be more final and more interesting as far as story writing goes. Here's this lovely dance and then she leaves without a kiss. Sad stuff. The other lines are unneeded.

Okay... more suggestions? Make the dance sequence longer. That, for me, is the important part because something which was once beautiful is gone and now he's left alone. So yeah.

Hope that helps!