Chapter 1: The News

This is continuing from Prologue: The Golden Egg

Chapter 1 :The News

A few little mistakes I spotted--

The bow string snapped back, and a stinging pain went through her arm which made her wince in pain and drop the bow.

You don't need to use "pain" twice; you can leave it out the second time, as it's evident why she winces.

As she started to wrap her are she thought about what her mother might do if she knew what she was doing.

I think you mean "arm"?

She had stayed in the forest too long, the guards would surly be out now and she couldn’t be seen with her brothers bow and arrow.

Surely. Surly means sullen.

Watching were she stepped she quickly got out of the garden and onto one of Termain’s streets.

Where.

When her Jagger saw her come in he set down and said, “What happened to you?”

I don't think you need "her" there (unless you're trying to indicate a close relationship between the two..)

That’s right go off and do some choir.

Chores.

Acelin made her way across their small hut that her family and she lived in. It was a small two roomed home with a small area in the front of the that had the kitchen and table for eating.

"Small" three times in two sentences is a bit much.

Acelin changed into her knee high skirt

Isn't it knee-length skirt? I've heard knee-high mostly in reference to boots.

giants and tolls

Did you mean trolls? (Though paying fees might be scary too )

A note about punctuation in dialog (there are some mistakes throughout this): be sure to put a comma after the words being spoken, if the sentence continues. Such as here (I corrected it in blue):

“Oh, shut up Jagger,” Acelin blurted out.

And here:

“Come along now,” she turned and headed back into the house “it’s time for us to do our chores.

There should be a period after "now", "she" should be capitalized. There should be a period after "house", and "it's" should be capitalized.

I haven't yet gotten a chance to read through the rest of it yet... So far I havta say it seems a little cliche--a young person who's different from everyone else, and has a mysterious scar, wanting to defy the protocols of their time and place, longing for adventure. And... eggs and Riders? That sounds a bit too Eragon-esque for my taste.

It's not to say I don't like this--you have some good characters in here. Jagger is especially well-portrayed as being smug and obnoxious.

If you read it over carefully, you could probably correct most of the incorrect words and punctuation.

It was good, but I agree with Lilyy03. The whole eggs and riders thing has already been done. It's a good start though, and I look foward to reading more. Keep up the good work.

I agree with the others as well, but you really need to drop the modern language. It doesn't fit in with your descriptions and other language. For instance, your 'wows' and 'okays' really break the mood. Just a suggestion! Keep it up, though...I'll look out for more.

The others have said pretty much all that needs to be said, but htere's one teeny tiny little spelling mistake....

It's eavesdropping, not ease. Ease means to relax. Otherwise, it wasn't too bad.

~Chibi

Thanks for all your help!