A Story of a Boy -Untitled-

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Author's Note: Okay, so literally, this story came to me in this really vivid dream about a year ago. And this is really rare for me because I normally don't even remember my dreams, much less remember very vivid and detailed ones. Now, I've been afraid to begin writing this story down for the longest time so over the last year, I've been letting it "marinate" in my head until I was sure I had enough details to write it accurately the first time.

Now, it takes place in England somewhere from 1850 to 1900. Probably closer to 1850. So, it's sort of historical fiction with a small element of fantasy to be introduced later. So, me being as nit picky as I can with this story, I've also done lots of research to make sure facts are correct and I'm not overlapping too many time periods (no more than two I think... maybe none).

It's still untitled, I'm just calling it "a story of a boy" for now because that's what it is. Haha! But I also have some unnamed characters. Just bear with me through it. I'm very picky when it comes to finding good names I care about. Trust me though, I'm doing my research. Heh.

So enough with this ranting, thank you if you read it though. I hope it stresses the importance of this story to me. :wink: And on we go:






Prologue


Nobody really knew for sure how he got his fortune. He became a very wealthy man through inheritance after a close relative died. But after his wife died, he became a recluse in his own manor.

The grounds were quite amazing back in their day. This was when there were rooms still held for grounds keepers who took care of the great variety of plant life brought in by many world travels. There were beautiful, lush gardens and trees, and the once popular Cricket field for the recently invented English game. There was a gorgeous meandering path also, that lead from the front steps of the house down to the stairs that led to the sandy shoreline. Years and years ago, many guests liked to sneak to the cliff caves and make fools of themselves with the ladies after the old master’s dinner parties. Mister *** did not have dinner parties and nary had the servants to host even one visitor.

Many people were curious about Mister ***. He came out of his home quite often to shop at the market for his own groceries. People speculated, he was only doing this to convince himself that he indeed was not a hermit in his own home, shy of all people. And many people considered he was poor, but the tax collectors could tell them otherwise for he still lived on his own property in his giant manor on a spectacular piece of envied shoreline real estate. Though some thought, it was only because he had no servants to do so for him.

“Well why ever not?” a lady asked at the market in downtown Harte near the docks. “He is wealthy enough to hire twenty! Is he not?”

“Yes, he has quite the little stash in the bank,” the large dumpling-like banker said as he examined a soft fruit. He took a bite out of it, nodded in satisfaction and paid the gap-toothed merchant.

“Why does he isolate himself so then?” she asked her escort who patted her arm.

“I wouldn’t say he is so isolated. He comes out and does his own shopping, no?” the middle-aged man said.

“Yes, but he doesn’t talk to anyone beyond his shopping needs. Am I not right Clarisse?” she asked the hat-maker as they walked up to her small outdoor stand.

“Right you are, miss. I once asked him if he ever had much company and if he had no ladies in the house that needed fitting. I said my daughter could make a very fine dress. He simply said, ‘no, thank you’ and he bought a very fine white sun hat with white flowers sewn upon it,” the old hat maker said.

“Did you try to ask who it was for?” Mrs. Wilson asked wide-eyed at this bit of gossip.

“Of course I did!” old Clarisse exclaimed. “He walked away to his carriage before he could hear the end of my question!”

“Humph,” Mrs. Wilson huffed. “Well, my darling husband, does that prove enough to you now?”

“No, my dear. I dare say, he has received the job as English Professor at the academy,” the man said leading his wife across the street.

“Do you know if he has children, Wilson?” she asked.

“Dr. Addison!” he called to the town doctor who had just walked past them in the opposite direction.

The doctor sped his pace while yelling over his shoulder, “You know I can’t tell you anything Mister Wilson!”

“He’s positively avoiding us!” Mrs. Wilson said delighted. Her husband gave her his hand into the carriage. “You know what this means?” she prodded her husband.

“No,” he said with a teasing twinkle in his eye.

“He does!”

“You and your gossip, my dear. Really, you mustn’t do that.”

The carriage door shut and the coach took off, snapping four brown horses into motion.

As the carriage turned the corner closest to the docks, Mrs. Wilson pointed out the orphanage to her husband, “Look darling! There’s a poor couple dropping off a baby! Can you tell who they are?”

Mister Wilson looked out the carriage window. He saw a man with his hand on a sobbing mother’s shoulder. Her stomach was still large from carrying the child. She obviously did not want to give him up. “No, I can’t. I don’t think they are from here. Not many are.

“Poor boys. One must hate to live his whole life working in the shipyards.”

“Shame,” Mrs. Wilson said.

“Indeed,” Mister Wilson agreed. “Darling?”

“Yes?”

“What would you think of me getting a promotion?”

“Oh, really darling? My, that’d be wonderful!” Mrs. Wilson laughed with delight.

She stopped abruptly, her attention distracted out the window yet again. “Oh look! It’s that man! Professor ***!” Her face was inches away from the window as she pulled back the sashes for an attempt at a better look. Mr. Wilson swept his brow and looked at his lap sighing.
Last edited by yoha_ahoy on Mon Feb 05, 2007 8:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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I enjoyed this and thought it was good. Here are just a few errors I saw.

"People speculated, he was only doing this to convince himself that we indeed was not a hermit in his own home, shy of all people."
This sentence did not make sense to the reader. Rephrase it!

" “You know what the means?” she prodded her husband"
This instead of the

"There’s a poor couple dropping of a baby"
Off instead of of

" “No, I can’t. I don’t think they are from here. Not many are. "
end quotes. I forgot to quotes at the end.

This was good. I enjoyed it and can't wait to read more! These were just little errors I coaght. All in all, it was well written. Please finish! Writergirl
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Thank you! I would post chapter one sometime today but I left my writing at school. It shall have to wait until tomorrow. *sigh* Stupid exams.
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Chapter One


In a small, obscure shipbuilding town on the coast of England, there was an orphanage. In this orphanage, there was a boy, as there were many since it was a home for boys. This boy had the same story as many. He did not know who his parents were, where they were, or if they were even alive. He was simply dropped off as an infant, same as so many before him.

As soon as Edric was able to, he went to work in the shipyard along with the older boys. He started out as a runner, carting tools and parts back and forth between buildings and workers. He was not allowed out to the docks until he learned to swim.

Today was that day.

He and three other boys his age whom he had grown up with were taken onto the H.M.S. Harte, the small ship that commanded the town docks. It was the only permanent ship in dock at the small city of Harte. Once a year, the smallish wooden ship was taken out to teach the orphan boys at the docks to swim. If the boys learned to swim, they gained a “promotion” of sorts, and they were allowed on the docks. It wasn’t widely known of what happened if you didn’t learn to swim. The more gruesome, or maybe more truthful workers at the docks always rumored that the orphanage mater, Master Damien would just let them drown. Even Edric had heard this rumor among the men in the shipyard. It had caused Edric to become fearful of this day.

And now, here he was, rocking to and fro, not quite used to his sea legs on the ship. The ship slowed once they could only see the shoreline as a misty green strip curving across the horizon.

The waves were small today, but somewhat choppy in the slight wind. The water was a deep greenish gray and you couldn’t see but two meters down, not that this mattered much, for out here, the salty ocean was around twenty meters deep.

It was a hot early August day, August 1, 18(-something) to be precise. The sky was a remarkable blue, quite unusual for England. Thin, lucent white coulds drifted high in the atmosphere.

The four boys were huddled together in the middle of the busy top deck, trying to keep out of the way of the bustling sailors and the Captain, Jim, barking orders out to the men in the ship’s riggings.

Then, all at once, the Captain shouted an order. Eric, who had been shuddering with fear the whole time on the ship, tried to bolt. All four boys were grabbed roughly about the shoulders. Edric couldn’t move an inch, besides his feet that were far enough off the ground so that he only grazed the deck with one bare toe. John could wiggle the man’s grip a little. He was larger than the other three boys were, but still, he was young and the brawny sailor held him fast.

The boys didn’t struggle for long because Master Damien came and spoke to them. “Your orders are to swim back to the shore,” he said. He eyed each of the boys as if he did this everyday. “Alright,” he ordered the men restraining the boys.

They were lifted over the railings of the deck so fast that none had the chance to resist, though John managed to knock one backwards with a kick in the chest before being dropped.

The four boys all plunged into the ocean. Though it was summer, the water was surprisingly cold. They all kicked and flailed furiously until they broke the surface of the water. There was a tremendous amount of water splashing and Edric coughed up some seawater he had swallowed. Then, barely afloat by his head, Edric heard, “Keep moving and you might stay warm!” as someone shouted from the rigging of the receding ship.

“Great! Thanks!” John said sarcastically, kicking his legs to keep his large athletic body from sinking.

Edric found himself struggling a bit before he found himself treading water naturally. “Where’s Eric?” he managed to ask John.

“Shit!” Carl exclaimed before dipping under a wave and resurfacing again. He apparently, had already come used to the sailor’s jargon. “He’s under… underwater!” he said between waves.

“Shoot!” Edric said, and he dove under the waves. Eric was reaching out and kicking pathetically. His cheeks were puffed out in an effort to hold his breath. Then suddenly, a cloud of white bubbles obscured his face. Edric kicked downwards but couldn’t get far enough before he needed a breath. He quickly resurfaced and awkwardly dove again. This time, he only saw a blue and motionless Eric sinking down, out of sight.

Edric emerged again exhausted and in shock. He turned and looked at the ship, now small on the horizon. He could just imagine Master Damien laughing at little Eric’s fate.

“Come on Edric!” Carl shouted a few meters away from him, following John to shore. He turned and continued swimming.

Edric stared for a while until a wave hurtled over his head. Only then did he begin paddling his way back to shore.



It's kinda short... I have a problem with moving things along too fast. Any suggestions?
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Excellent! I like this as well. I thought it was the perfect length! Although, if you wanted to make it longer, I would suggest giving more detail of their journey to the swimming spot. Feelings, thoughts, actions, etc. Just a suggestion.

"In a small, obscure shipbuilding town on the coast of England, there was an orphanage. In this orphanage, there was a boy, as there were many since it was a home for boys."
I don't like this progression. I don't have any suggestions, however. So...change it? I just don't like it. :(

"He and three other boys his age whom he had grown up with were taken onto the H.M.S. Harte, the small ship that commanded the town docks"
"He and three other boys his age, whom he had grown up with, were taken onto the H.N.S. Harte, the small ship that commanded the town docks."

"It wasn’t widely known of what happened if you didn’t learn to swim"
This sentence is confusing. Reword. "What happened if you did not learn to swim was kept secret." Or something along those lines. 8)

"The ship slowed once they could only see the shoreline as a misty green strip curving across the horizon."
Take out only. Try this: "The ship slowed when all they could see was the misty green strip curving across the horizon."

"It was a hot early August day, August 1, 18(-something) to be precise."
Period after day. New sentence starting with August.

"barking orders out to the men in the ship’s riggings. Then, all at once, the Captain shouted an order."
If he is already barking orders, then how can he then comand another order? Use a different word for "command" and make this apperant that he relayed a new order.

"Then, barely afloat by his head, Edric heard, “Keep moving and you might stay warm!” as someone shouted from the rigging of the receding ship."
As someone shouted from the rigging of the receding ship, "Keep moving and you might stay warm", Edric was barely afloat.
Something like this. Perhaps not exactly.

I loved this! Can't wait for more! Writergirl
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Thank you! I will fix the mistakes you pointed out. Thank you for being so helpful! It means a lot to me! And chapter two is coming soon. :wink:

~Yoyo
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