Light grown dim

Light grown dim;
Dome flooded with color;
She lies beside him.
The child wants no other
Time then dawn.
Lantern suspends in the sky,
Shapes drawn.
When songbirds to be heard vie,
Light again is nigh.
She must leave him;
Why?
The child’s memory, dim.
Fight to keep away the whim.
Passions flow while anger burns,
Love and memory turns
To sorrow.


Never thought I would get into poetry. But one day I just sat down and wrote this. Tell me what you think! Oh, and if you have any suggestions for a good title, please do tell. I'm awful with titles, and nothing I could think of for this really fit, so I just put in the first line.
One more thing. Do you think there is too much punctation? I didn't have any at first and was afraid of it being unclear. What do you think?

Ryhminh does not make a poem first thing second thing. First your talking in normal english, then suddenly old english. A poem needs a continuely flow. Also didn't understand it much. Goodluck when you next try, it's not bad for a beginner i admit.

Point.

I think that word sums a poem up. There simply is no point in this poem at all. As Sieg said - everything went pear shaped because of the rhyming, this didn't flow either.

I recommend taking an object or famous person and doing a poem about them - this makes everything really clear and we know there is a certain meaning behind the words.

Okay, I must warn you that poetry is definitely not my forte, but here goes...

I think it would be better if you didn't try to rhyme it. It's a very abstract poem, and it seems that free verse would be a better way to convey it.

That said, I really like this first part:

Adnamarine wrote:Light grown dim;
Dome flooded with color;
She lies beside him.
The child wants no other
Time then dawn.
Lantern suspends in the sky,
Shapes drawn.

After that it gets a little... rhymey?
Oh, by the way, it's "than," not "then."

One more thing. Do you think there is too much punctation? I didn't have any at first and was afraid of it being unclear. What do you think?

This is just me, but I like poems with very little punctuation. I'd try it without any punctuation on the end of each line and see if it's still clear. If not, then ignore me.

Okay, there is my crit. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful!

Thanks everyone. I know it's still really rough. I know it doesn't really make sense if you read it for what it is, but it's abstract, like Shafter said. I'll try it without the rhyming more. And I do agree, that one line "when songbirds to be heard vie" didn't really flow or match the rest. I was trying too hard to make it rhyme, I think.

It's kind of odd, because I started writing it thinking it was going to be about one thing, but when I was done I realized I had written about something completely different. It was funny...

Light grown dim;
Dome flooded with color;
She lies beside him.
The child wants no other
time then dawn.
Lantern suspends in the sky,
Shapes drawn.

The nightingale sleeps,
The lark sings:
Light leaps
Into the sky
She leaves him;
Why?

The child’s memory dim
Fight the darker thoughts within
Passions flow while anger burns
Love and memory turn
To sorrow

Okay, I tried a few different things, and so far this turned out the best. I didn’t change the first part, since Shafter said she liked that; I did too, and it flowed the best. So what do you think of the changes? I know it still needs improvement.

Hello!

I really don't know how to critique a poem, but I'll do my best. Feel free to ignore anything I say.

Light grown dim;
I'd like this better in present tense, because it would go better with 'she lies beside him'.

The child wants no other
time then dawn.

I'm not really sure why, but I love these lines.

Your second stanza didn't really captivate me. If there was a metaphor or deeper meaning to the lines about birds, I didn't catch it. Also, the rhyming isn't soft like in the first stanza, it's loud and obvious. Maybe you could consider rewriting it?

I don't get the first line of the last stanza. Do you mean 'dims' instead of 'dim'?

You say memory twice in one stanza.

The end seems a little incomplete. I was looking for one more line, a sentence or fragment to sum it up or give it a more definite conclusion.

I hope this has helped, I wish I were better at critiquing poems. Good luck!

Wow i loved it expect i thougth the frist part
Light grown dim;
Dome flooded with color; didnt go
but after all that i think you did wow

Adnamarine -


What you have posted here has about as much chance of surviving a serious edit as the sun rising in the West this morning.

This is like jumbalaya without the meat. You have an erratic rhyme scheme that is complimented only by a lack of coherence.

Is there something you thought we would find interesting here?


All the best,
Brad

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Okay... What doesn't make this poem work is the vauge lines in it. You should have more meat as Incan said. A lot more meat. You need more description and most of your lines made no sense. It needs to be seriously clarified so that your readers don't get just words but they get the feeling that you actually cared when writing this. If you spent maybe an hour on picking and choosing and editing and revising then this really could be a decent poem. You have a nice border but now you need to fill it in so that is has a more vibrant color to keep your readers interest.

Keep at it!
-Rieda

I disagree with people saying that it didn't flow because of rhyming. BUT It seems too obvious in the second stanza. And in the last stanza you use 'sorrow' which doesn't rhyme with anything and to me it sounds out of place.

Also the meaning and what you are trying to get across was vague and hard for me to grasp. Is there something deeper that I should be getting? I admit I'm not the best at finding the true meaning in a piece of poetry but in this one I really didn't connect with it.