Grendel's Side of the Story

What’s good? My name is Grendel Malman, and I go to, or used to go to, Herot High School. Recently I got expelled for some stupid stuff. You want to know what happened? You don’t even have to have to answer that question. I’m going to tell you anyway. My side needs to be heard. So, just sit back, and listen to my side of the story before you go judging me and whatnot.

Now, before I get into this, let me give you a little back story. The class it all happened in was British Literature. My teacher in that class was Mr. Hrothgar (I know, stupid name). I don’t like him because he always tries to come at my head for no apparent reason. I’m Grendel Malman, and I don’t back down from anybody. So, I came at him to by talking back, cracking joke, and loads of “disrespectful actions”. We go at it, back and forth, for about 12 weeks.

Then one day, Mr. Hrothgar was late for class. I found it odd because he wasn’t one to miss losing a round with Master Malman. Once, he even came to school with pneumonia, just so he could argue with me. Either way, I was happy that he wasn’t there. In the mist of my boredom, I start listening to my iPod. So, here I am, in a classroom with no teacher, listening to my music, while the rest of the class is sleeping.

About half-way through class, this wannabe G.I. Joe-in-a-suit busts in the room with a name tag that says: “Hello. My name is: Mr. Beowulf”. The first thing he does is snatch my iPod from my hand. Like I said; I’m Grendel Malman, and I don’t back down from anybody. I stand up and snatch my iPod right back. . He tried to get it back, but I extended my arm back so that he couldn’t reach it. That was a bad move on my part. He grabbed my arm, twisted it so that it’d break in like fifty-eight places and threw me across the room. Naturally, I dropped the iPod to tend to my arm (more like scream in pain, but that’s beside the point). After picking the iPod up, he calls security to take me to the school nurse for “falling”.


My mama came and picked me up, and the whole way home, neither of us said anything. We live on 81st and Marshland. We got home, and I explained the situation to her. I added my own little extras to the details, of course. By the time I was done, what she thought was the truth, was so far from it, it was funny. I even told her that the security guards jumped in and had to save him from me. I finished my story when dinner was over. I ate a lot, so I was sleepy. I went to bed kind of early but forced myself to stay awake because “Family Guy” was on.

When the show was over, I heard the doorbell ring. “Who is this person at my house at 11:00 p.m.?” I ask myself. I hear my mama telling someone that they can come in. I’m thinking its one of her old friends until the conversation gets heated. My mama starts cursing out whoever this person is. Then, to my surprise, I hear Mr. Beowulf’s voice cursing at her back. Right when I about to get up and see what in the world is going on, Mr. Beowulf barges into my room. This large-headed, lame, lunatic looked at my arm, laughed, and threw some papers in my face. The papers were my letters of expulsion. I was almost as angry as I was confused.

So here I am…at home… broken arm… nowhere to go… and nothing to do. I heard that Mr. Beowulf was really a principal at Geatland High. My cousin, Johnny Dragon, goes there. I just know they’ll get into it. He likes to get things with the “five-finger discount”, if you now what I mean. Well, as for me… I’m not sure. I think I’ll go to Morgan Park High. I heard they got an easy British Literature teacher. I think her name started with a “P”.

(My British Lit. teacher was Ms. Patel)

I dont think this works. I found it all a tad boring actually. Im not a fan of the "lets chat to the reader" style as It doesnt get me into a character.

Really- who are you talking to when you tell us your name? Just go into the story without the messy chit chat.

That's cute. This seems to be more of a joke, so I'm not going to critique it. I disagree with Adam; I like that he talks to the reader. I think the character has a great voice, and he made me laugh.
For my seventh grade Beowulf project I made a website supposedly created by Unferth to rant about how much he hated Beowulf and how he thought he should be the hero. This made me think of that.

Go Grendel!
Colleen

i liked it, and i also agree--i happen to be a fan of talking to the reader. However, here's my critic:

"You want to know what happened? You don’t even have to have to answer that question. I’m going to tell you anyway"

aside from the double 'have to' it should be 'ask'. And to be honest, i'd try to avoid 'You don't even have to ask'.

"My teacher in that class was Mr. Hrothgar " Seeing as you told us the sentance before what class it was, you could take out the 'in that class' ..maybe change the sentance abit, like "i didn't like my teacher, Mr. Hrothgar (stupid name, i know), because he always tries to come at my head for no apparent reason."

Also, in a story like this, it seems a little akward to put '12 weeks'. It might just be me, but maybe something like "half the semester" or whatever.

"About half-way through class, this wannabe G.I. Joe-in-a-suit busts in the room with a name tag that says: “Hello. My name is: Mr. Beowulf”."

Ok, here i though you could have described the teacher more. it felt a little rushed and i had to read it over to get the full impression. Still, i like the wannabe G.I. Joe-in-a-suit thing, but the effect would work better if we knew what he looked before we heard that description.

Also, i don't know exactly how i feel about how honest yet exagerated the story is when you tell us you exagerated the tale to your mother. It seems liek it would be unnessesary with what you've told us, which makes us think you've lied to us, but then why are you telling us....so i don't know whether i like it or not. i think i'd work better if you just said "I added my own little extras to the details, of course" it'd like it. (still, i like that you took it there so kudos for risks!)

Most of the story is in paste tense, but some times you slip...for example...
" “Who is this person at my house at 11:00 p.m.?” I ask myself. "
also, i'd try to avoid thinking outloud in a story your writing, it seems very "i said, i said, i said" (did that critic make sence? lol)

all in all, i really liked it. Good job!