Accidentally Broke My Heart

If I cut out my heart you can have it
If I capture my soul you can keep it
All I ask is for my lips
So I can say I love you

If I had only said it
If I had only told
That secret that I've kept so long
Secrets don't grow cold
Now I'll always wonder

Would that be my hand
That is held in your own?
Would that be me it your arms?

Would that be me
Telling you that I care?
Would that be my head on your shoulder?

It's almost like I hate you
I love you far too much
I hate the way you laugh
I hate to feel your touch

It's almost like a passion
A longing deep inside
I'm drowning in an ocean
Full of all the tears I've cried

Okay first off, the topic is over-the-top cliched how many times have we not seen this take a look around the forums and try to emphasize what's different.

You use no punctuation, no capatilization, it's all just too odd. No offence but this reminds me of those FW's you get and when you don't FW it to 10 people in 5 seconds your head will come off or something like that.

Next time don't be afraid to explore instead of keeping this idea of "good" poetry around. I see your new and the poetry you've probably been exposed to as "good" well it isn't doing too well around here.

Better luck next time

Cheerios, Chandni

I loved the first stanza (so romantic and poetic!), but after that it all went down a cliched hill. I really think you need to rethink this poem. As Chandni said, this topic is waaaay overcliched, and unfortunately, I think you just fulfilled that image with this poem. I think you have potential, but what I would do is focus in on one point of the issue and write about that-not just about, "Will I ever be in your arms again?" type of thing. Use some more similes or metaphors; it adds spice to the poem. Also, watch out for punctuation and spelling. You don't have to capitalize every line, and you can be wild with poems (that's the beauty of them!). But the main point I want to get across is to just rethink the cliches, and turn them into something that you've never even heard before.

The sign of a great writer is one who can turn a cliched topic into something fresh and new.

Good luck!

I completely disagree with the above posts. You guys have obviously never had your hearts broken before, and yeah, as cliched as it sounds, that is what it feels like.

And Chandni, there doesn't have to be capitalization or punctuation in poetry. Look at any famous poets and you'll see that most of their poems are deviod of periods and they only capitalize when they want to draw attention to something.

I love the poem, Raven. It's awesome. It seems like it's more song than poetry (although songs are poetry, so hey ) and it really captures that feeling of wondering what's going to happen in the future. I particularly loved the second to last stanza: "It's almost like I hate you/I love you far too much."

Your style is beautiful and you should keep it the way it is. Not all poems have to be full of metephors to be good.

I'm not going to agree or disagree with anyone above; I'm going to make my own critique. *sigh* No arguing over critiques people, come on! It'll only annoy the Writer.

Ah, yes, As Chandni said the topic is cliche. But even if the topic is cliche, sometimes you can find the right words to lift it out of that. You get very close. The lips thing, I like that a lot. I would not say this is a bad poem, but rather a good poem that needs to be dusted off and cleaned a lot before it can fully shine.

Punctuation is an important part of poetry (Whether you are using it or now) and though many poets get by without punctuation (or capitalization for that matter) as a beginner it is always best to follow the rules first before breaking them. I wrote an article, Poetry & Punctuation that may help you figure out the ins-and-outs of punctuating. As for Capitalization, its standard to capitalize the first letter of the first word in each line.

Now, in some stanza's you rhymed and in others you didn't. For a beginner, I wouldn't try this. You always want to stick to patterns. If you are going to rhyme at all, do it through the whole poem and stick to a pattern. Otherwise, don't rhyme at all.

Ummm... I'm sure I had so much to say but over the course I've writing this I've forgotten a lot! It really isn't that bad, just try to learn some skills to make it better. The best thing you can do to improve is to read poetry, or books about poetry. Try writing about new subjects. My new task for poetry is writing a point (say, "Forgetting love") and then writing a poem with that point in mind, but not being too obvious. Try anything.

I like some of what you do, if you ever need any help, have any poetry questions, or want some tips or just anything feel free to PM me.