One last try

Split the pack,
We could share our cigarettes.
But the farther flown we become,
The nearer our foes come.

I could call you,
Call you into my grey sea,
But the waves would come between us,
My outstretched hand fall to dust

Through the piles of singed flowers,
To the graves engulfed
By the smoke we fed you
Can you call him your alibi?

So sing me a lullaby
We could split the pack.
Catching water in our empty stomachs,
Hungry for some thirst.
We will never be back.

Pack supplies, I’ll pack the rest.
Water rising through your chest. So try
To call for him now, your Saviour.
Tell him how, you caved in.
And craved him.

You did this to yourself.
You will never be back,
And I will miss you.
We will never be back.

I think it's okay. It talks about something physical and has a basic meaning, but that seems about it. Like i said it's okay, but it is very basic to me.

Hmmm. So you reckon it's too basic?


I meant to say: This is from a novel I'm writing. Three of the character's have a poem included, written by them. This is the last one to feature, and makes sense a little more in context. But the character it's written by happens to my the one most obsessed with language... So it really needs to be better, I suppose.

Some parts make no sense, and you start getting abstract (I could call you,
Call you into my grey sea,
But the waves would come between us,
My outstretched hand fall to dust )

It doesn't really....present us with anything. Than other parts I really liked.

Pack supplies, I’ll pack the rest.
Water rising through your chest. So try
To call for him now, your Saviour.
Tell him how, you caved in.
And craved him.

Though, the part I put in bold I don't get. But I do like this stanza.

If you are wanting to improve it, and make it more poetic, consider creating a pattern of rhythm through syllables. Or a common rhyme scheme. Though, you have to be careful not to force the rhymes too much.

If you have any questions about what I mentioned about, you can PM me.

It's the "careful not to force the rhymes too much." that I was most worried about.

And the stuff like that which you put in bold is mostly the stuff that makes more sense when in context.

Eep. Yeah, if she truly is obsessed with language, you're going to want to make it much more prettier. Or startling. I don't know... it's definitely too plain. Try to make it less abstract, less vague, and yet simple. But the words that should be used should be those that have a double meaning, and it should be very clever and something that makes Incandescence wow at.

Or something.

These are the lines I liked the most:

So try
To call for him now, your Saviour.
Tell him how, you caved in.
And craved him.

So yeah. Hope that helps!