Frustrated on Tuesday

Light weight so deceiving;
full of black squiggles--
supposedly with meaning.
Sharpe edge cuts the skin;
a small red bubble
like the prick of a pin.
Staring down the suspect
there is no focus
my mind just won't connect.

It's the first day of class,
they say that's a perk.
So how did I end up
with so much damn homework?

I liked it, the last two lines the most. I think I would have liked it more, though, if there had been a rhythm pattern to it. But I'm big on structure like that.

Either way, it was a nice read. Kind of morbid, don't you think?

Haha thanks. I know the rhythm was just not working out for me tonight. I'm very annoyed at the amount of homework I have for one class right now. "Morbid" is being kind.

The first stanza meanders a lot and doesn't seem to say anything. I mean, obviously it has imagery and everything, but it doesn't say anything, so I want to stab it with a red pen. Except I can't because then I would stab my computer monitor, and that would be BAD.

I did like the last stanza though... funny!

It's the first day of class,
they say that's a perk.
So how did I end up
with so much damn homework?

And haha. I didn't get as much homework as you did!

Anyway... um... hope that helps!

Hah! I'm always ready to agree when someone's complaining about homework! I really liked the first three lines.

haha! i loved this! you captured perfectly how i feel about the 1st day of school and it made me laugh out loud too because, i know you keep hearing this but the last two lines are classic! my oh my how i enjoy good poetry.

xjess

Hehehe! I like this. It's simple but it's true and you can relate it to yourself, and that's what I like. This is going to be me next year. I like the whole poem but I like best the first three lines and the last stanza. Good!

Keep writing

*Foreseer*

I hear you. One thing--pay more attention to rhythm and flow, like Clau said. I rather liked the morbidness of it in connection with the topic, too... I know I want nothing more than to murder my personified coursework sometimes!

It was short and to the point, which isn't always a bad thing.
The cutting turn to it is a bit overdone these days... everyone is obsessed with writing about self-mutilation/injury. It doesn't really give much motivation behind it, rather than someone who cracks under the simple pressure of homework and school.
That is understandable if you tie it with the theme of depression, but this is simple. There isn't much leading up to the clincher, and it leaves the reader with a sense of "Huh?" If you get what I mean.
Try elaborating before you describe the narrator cutting. Per say, why. Was it a shitty day? or just because, apparently, a lot of homework?
Although it's hard to get poetic with a narrative story... sometimes it's necessary to say what you're trying to say.
Hope that helps.
--Claire

Claire--

I wasn't actually talking about the narrator cutting. The sharp edge I was speaking of pretained to the edge of the paper making a paper cut on the skin. Thanks for the crit though! I wonder how many other people I confused with that...

WM

The last 2 lines were Hottie. Keep up ur great work.

I really like this poem! Very amusing and certainly easy to relate to. I agree that a more standard rhythm would benefit it though . Here's a few suggestions -

Light weight so deceiving;
full of black squiggles--
supposedly with meaning. [I love the first line and the next two as well but I think they could be improved a little. Maybe

'Light weight can be deceiving;
full of black squiggles
and supposedly meaning.']

Sharpe [Why sharpe? Shouldn't it be sharp?] edge cuts the skin;
a small red bubble
like the prick of a pin. [I think this line is a syllable out. Maybe you could have

a small red bubble -
pricked by double pin.]

Staring down the suspect
there is no focus
my mind just won't connect. [I quite like the broken rhythm here because it links with the words...]

It's the first day of class,
they say that's a perk.
So how did I end up
with so much damn homework? [I don't think you should end the second line with a period because that disrupts the rhythm a touch and as strong as 'damn' is, the final line would have a much better rhythm without it.]

*squeezes* I love you! All of your poems have given me good practise with poetry and the home stretch of my critiquing goal!

Anyway...

*falls over* Hahahaha! Nice! I went into this thinking it was going to be some poem about self-mutilation, but ohemgee. The twist on the end is classic. So totally not expected. I love how you build up to one thing and then throw another at your reader at the very end. Classic. Totally awesome. xD

Have I mentioned I love you?

Woot! Critique #75 in four days!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

cool i liked it nice job keep writing

I liked it.