Father, can I make you proud?

Father, I am afraid I will never make you proud,
I am not the perfect child you sought hard to protect and guide,
I have chosen to do things you wish not to hear about,
I have lied, stole and snuck out,
Father I have not made you proud.

My dreams lead me astray from you,
I have fallen under your hopes and expectations,
I see it in your eyes as you shout,
I hear it in your silent sigh,
But Father, could I have made you proud?

If I follow my dreams I have turned my back on you,
And if I follow your dreams I have turned my back on me,
I have fought this battle so many times in side,
I have lost it hundreds of times, but this life is my own,
And I can only be true to myself,
So Father, should I make you proud?

A tad boring, the subject matter didnt interest me really and it was just a list of "I did this..."

Also poems that and in a question dont do it for me, I like to think of poetry of the exploration of common humanity, not asking more questions unless of course it is "thought-provoking" which this isnt.

Others may like this but I didnt.

i have to agree with Phorcys, is didn't stand out to me as being a great poem. i guess with work, it could be made good, but i'd say try to find another subject in which to do it. this is kind of clichéd, and boring.

Stop it you guys. The poem my sound boring, but it is good. It talks about an experiance many of us can relate to.

piepiemann22 wrote:Stop it you guys. The poem my sound boring, but it is good. It talks about an experiance many of us can relate to.

While this is true, many MORE of us cannot relate to it.
It's a prayer to a God.
I don't pray, and I'm not even sure there IS a God.
So I cannot relate to it.

Now to the poem itself: I agree with Phorcys and Leonheart, it got tiresome halfway through the second stanza. I was reading, then I skimmed. I don't like the idea of listing your wrong doings, and the whole poem seems really negative. I don't know how to improve it, however, but I'm sure if you worked on it more it could become so much better and more engaging.

How do you know this is a poem to God and not the author's actual father? I would not go making assumptions without knowing for sure. Your interpretation may be different than others--which is actually a good thing in poetry.

However, I agree that it is a tad boring. Although many people can relate to this, as many other poems have also been commented, that does not make the poem great. I am okay with the subject matter, but the problem with writing about a subject that is very familiar is that it has been done many times. Therefore, this has to be written in a spectacular, original way in order for it to go anywhere. This is a hard thing to accomplish and I wish you luck.

aMego

piepiemann22 wrote:Stop it you guys. The poem my sound boring, but it is good. It talks about an experiance many of us can relate to.

please don't argue with a critique, we believe that this poem is boring and uneventful. which appears to be the general concensus around the thread. people's oppinions of poems are different, i personally hate some poems that are considered brilliant enough to be published in books.

personally, i don't the "prayer to God" suggestion. right through, it was a speech of regret to a real father. thats my own views of it. a prayer to God would have been more interesting, and may have made this a better poem in my eyes, but i couldn't see that, so its not got that element to it

The reason why this poem doesn't work out is because it's a bit of a grocery list. It seems like you're listing the reasons without being the least poetic. You can do a lot of trimming. Poetry is a lovely way where you can say what you want to in the least amount of words. It's supposed to be very brief, actually, and that's where the beauty of it all comes at. This is hardly brief and it uses a bunch of superfluous words that doesn't add to the picture or poem in any constructive manner.

Try thinking about what you really want to say and make a list of images you want to create in the reader's mind. Then rewrite it. It's a little bit more work, but it'll be much prettier in the end.

Hope that helps!

I liked the subject behind it... struggling to meet your parent's demands is common. But I won't repeat everyone above in saying that it could have been better presented

I hear it in your silent sigh,

Aren't sighs always silent?

I have fought this battle so many times in side,

inside. One word.

write me wrote:How do you know this is a poem to God and not the author's actual father?

I assumed because the word "Father" is capitalized throughout the poem. But, as always, I could very well be wrong. That was just my first impression.

I liked it. People need to realize that poems aren't perfect by the time you realize that there's nothing more you can do with it. I actually read he whole thing through which rarely happens. Keep it up.

well, being you're sister, I can really relate to this poem!!
Though, I must say, it doesn't really flow as well as some of you're other poetry.
You haven't writen anything new in a long time. What's going on? I thought I was the lazy one between the two of us!!!

I liked it. People need to realize that poems aren't perfect by the time you realize that there's nothing more you can do with it. I actually read he whole thing through which rarely happens. Keep it up.

No, poems are perfect. But, a true author [be it poetry or something different] knows that a piece of literature never reaches the 'nothing more you can do with it' point. True authors know that nothing will ever be completely finished, they just have to accept a certain way for it to be published [if it so imply's] and any rewriting afterwards is normal, but will not do much good for the already published piece.