Tim (Revised)

Help it. Please

***--***

"it's been another bad day," you admit,
as you fashion broken words out of skin
and veins so deeply blue.
convinced of your lack of conviction,
sob stories and the metallic click of lighters never
sounded so good in the [admittedly fractal] light
of unrequited affections.
with care you select the cliche of the moment
(a stab to the back);
black hearts and painkillers, your redemption.

looking heavenward with gravity,
you make me wish i could bite your own bullets.

I liked it. Didn't understand the last line (the one apart from the stanza)

Also you should capitalize Convinced and If since they are starts of new sentences.

it's the usual teen depression but...presented differently. I like it. Though it is wordy.

Well, it is teen depression. But much prettier than most. And the last line (which I loved) seemed to make it something more...

[admittedly fractal] is nicely worded but seems to throw the rhythm off. Maybe just fractal? Or we-work the line breaks somehow. I don't know.

Possibly it should be convinved of your lack of conviction? I'm not sure....

veins half-closed and so deeply blue. I liked that too. Nice work.

Hmmm, well the structure is well not the best. Your whole poem seems to be one huge sentence, where you begin with quoatation marks but where do they end? Pretty odd.

The last line is indeed tacky, and you could atleast capitalize the "If" and "I"

veins half-closed and so deeply blue.

And yes that sticks out, as one. nice description ;0

Well overall, why should we care?

Read some poetry trough-out the forums

Cheerios, Chandni

It's a little wordy, no?

"it's been another bad week," you say with a slice,

I would prefer the word "day" as opposed to "week."

bleeding your broken words out of veins half-closed and so deeply blue.

I would get rid of "half-closed and." We can get the imagery without it... but the blue is interesting.

convinced of your lack of conviction,

Hahah! Humor!

Um... sorry. I liked that line.

sob stories and razor blades never looked so good
in the [admittedly fractal] light of unrequited affections.

Get rid of the brackets.

if i could make it go away, would you then lay it on my back?

Um... the blade?

So yeah. The humor endeared it to me, as far as suicide poetry goes. So yay!

Snoink said it all.

I liked it but didn't get the last line.

and yes should get rid of the brackets.

Keep writing and posting.

It was... interesting. Not completely new, but not completely cliche, either.

Personally, I like the [admittedly fractal] part, brackets and all.

I'm just not sure about the line length. At first, I thought, "Great. Someone else who thinks poetry is in paragraph form." You might try it using shorter lines, and see what it looks like. See if it fits any better.

Haha, I find it amusing that the one poem that I want to be buried at the very end of the list gets the most attention.

Anyways, thanks all for the crits, they did help a good bit. Still not too sure about the line breaks/last line...help? (I do believe I'm going to be showing this to a friend of mine, which is why I want it to be as neat and put-together as possible, even though it is a tad cliche.)

Thanks for your time!