Ground Zero

This poem is pretty cruddy. But please tell me what you think!


Ground Zero

I watched you two meet ends
as you wove yourself throughout the room.
I've stared her down more than enough
time knows that I am on the brink of doom.

Then as you walked together
you turned back, perphaps for me.
I hated myself for being so gullible,
but you had instantly drawn me in.

Why do I like to let my feelings show?
This is forever my unbreakable disaster.
And yes, all those who looked, they know
I saw it in their eyes lacking laughter.

For all those times I did not look away,
my heart now aches.
And I kept running as you turned,
not sure that you could be affected.

Although my heartburn might have been severe
I know that I alone had laid down on the line.
And now the only think I need,
is the ability to heal my wounds in time.

How far I've fallen,
for you or for whomever, I don't know.
I'm stuck inside this hole; I've swollen
must crawl away before I burst.

But crawling after you is like
trying to fly with doubts for wings.
So I'm just going to roll the dice,
See where I stand amongst these other precious things

But rolling just may be unneccessary
for I feel already I may know;
anything but satisfactory,
I am at Ground Zero or below.

I watched you two meet ends
as you wove yourself throughout the room.
I've stared her down more than enough
time knows that I am on the brink of doom.

I don't understand what you are saying here when you say "Meet ends". The last two lines.... I first thought you meant to say "I've stared her down more than enough times to know that I am on the brink of doom." but now it looks like "I've stared her down more than enough. Time knows that I am on the brink of doom.

ah, well, I critiqued that whole stanza, then got through the rest of the poem and figured I could do this without quoting anymore

You leaned on rhyming, just a bit, and you didn't have a pattern to it. Sometimes you rhymed, sometimes you didn't. You need to make up your mind.

Also, your rythm...is all over the place. Some lines of the poem are good, but the majority of them don't really make sense. I can't follow the actions you show, and I can't follow the feelings either. Try to find the one thing that this poem is about, and write only about that. Don't pick up two or three more subjects on the way.

I agree with Clau on the rhyme-rhythm stuff. I think you have some really interesting phrases in here, and then some...not so interesting ones. This piece would be much better given some freedom.
There are some really broad phrases in here. I wasn't sure of anything except the subject, "you" and the narrator, "I". Try to specify some things, create some concrete images or scenarios. This piece could be cut down to half its current size, really.
The last two stanzas were probably the best in terms of diction and tone, but I also liked the tone of the first stanza, mostly the first two lines, although the wording was a bit difficult, as Claudette has observed.
I say begin your editing by taking out every completely abstract/unnecessary/cliched phrase in here and write from what's left, because it'll be the good stuff.

Colleen