(Recipe For) Bloodpies, Mudpies

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she spent all day ripping crayola to pieces,
rainbows stuck beneath her fingernails --
colorsticks soon mashed together, flecks of
a childhood blown to smithereens littering the
lonely Spanish tiles of a kitchen floor.
all around, the bulk of metal phenomena
broil and hum into a clattering mechanical execution
of life. her prying fingers manage to snatch
the fruit flies from the cold metal fortresses,
these creatures to which with dangling legs die,
gushing their soul over salmon tongues and
teeth tiny, white, strung on a bracelet for

her father's wrist.
Girls' playthings belong in a toy box, to which
a padlock secures bare-breasted barbies,
wheel-less fire trucks, and
pretty little things with
their heads ripped off.
Carpe Diem.




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the fruit flies from the cold metal fortresses,
these creatures to which with dangling legs die,
gushing their soul over salmon tongues...

This is convoluted.

teeth tiny, white,


I don't know if I like "teeth tiny, white". The white isn't entirely necessary, and the inverse of tiny teeth sounds awkward. Maybe "tiny teeth" or "tiny white teeth". Otherwise, another good piece.

Cameron
The individual leads in actual fact a double life, one in which he is an end to himself and another in which he is a link in a chain which he serves against his will or at least independently of his will.
--SIGMUND FREUD




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Ooh, shivers. I completely approve of the theme and meaning of this poem, and probably most of the phrases.

Line/stanza breaks: Okay, just stanza things, really. I'm all for having one sentence be continued on another stanza, but you only have two stanzas, and split one sentence between them. I'd either stick that phrase entirely with one stanza, or break up the poem more so that it doesn't just happen in one place. I would actually approve of the first gigantic chunk of a stanza being broken up a little more - just a little easier for the reader.

Girls' playthings belong in a toy box, to which
a padlock secures bare-breasted barbies

The really annoying thing here is that "girls'" is capitalized. You haven't capitalized anything else (except for Spanish, but that's excused as a proper noun) and it's really distractingly out of place. Really minor bit: shouldn't it be "in which" not "to which". The padlock is securing the things in the toybox, not to it, right?

I disagree with Cameron; that part about is fruit flies is cool. I mean, yeah, it's long, but it's not so "convoluted" that I couldn't understand it. The sound and rhythm it has is great.
In the "teeth tiny, white" part just put a comma in between teeth and tiny.

"...pretty little things with their heads ripped off." YES!
Fantastic piece.

Colleen :roll:
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."



I wish literally anything else I ever said made it into the quote generator.
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