What has this World Become?

What has this World Become?

One of us dies
Another one lies
What has this world become?

We commit the crime
But can never do the time
What has this world become?

There is war in Iraq
Yet there is something we lack
What has this world become?

Weren't we to be strong?
Weren’t we supposed to kind yet firm?
Weren’t we supposed to be…free?
Maybe the question isn’t what has this world become?
Maybe it’s what have we become?

Ah wow, I remember writing poems like this.
Personally, I believe that political poetry is always difficult to pull off and I would suggest that this needs a little work.

First, you might want to re-think the rhyming. Particularily in serious poems, rhyming can take away, especially if it's used loosely. Especially the "Iraq" and "lack."

Secondly, the theme of the poem seems to be "What has this world become?" Which is slightly cliche. Perhaps if you only used it once..maybe as the last line it would have a much greater effect. I understand that you were trying to emphasize the statement, but instead it came across as merely redundant.

Also, I would suggest you also re-think using "Iraq." Maybe just talk about a war, or an enemy per se.

Finally, I have to commend you for being so passionate about what the world has become. It's great to see fifteen year olds writing more about teenage angst. Thumbs up on the idea, I look forward to seeing you improve and reading more from you.

on the whole, i liked the poem, and liked the idea. its good to see some political stuff, and its good to see it being written fairly well

it was a good start, short lines added flow to it. i think Chevy is right and wrong about the last line of the verse. "what has this world become" gets quite repetitive, however, when looking at the poem as a whole, the line gets more meaning towards it, i don't see this as a poem thats attacking choices governments make when deciding to go to war. i see this as a problem that we've all made, which is excellent, although perhaps a little cliched.

the rhyming doesn't work, I suggest that you try to make the poem work without rhymes. it makes it look very tacky. some poems can work with a rhyme scheme like the one you used, but this doesn't I'm afraid, so i'd alter it. it looks like you've written lines with too much intention to rhyme, especially in verses 2 and 3.

and i think the last verse is good, except i personally would use "weren't we meant to be strong", rather than referring to one country, same with Iraq. you comment on "what has the world become?" but then hone in on only two countries in the vast world.

but otherwise, i enjoyed the poem. i think the rhyming lets it down the most.

The message is, of course, undeniably great, and I commend you on both your political views and your interest in the world... you and those like you bring hope to our generation.

I tend to think war poetry works better with specifics because it's strangely noticable how often the specifics are repeated. For instance, Wilfred Owen's poem "Dulce et Decorum Est", while very specific to the time frame of WWI (the gas masks, the Five-Nines) there is just no way anyone could read that poem and not connect it with war in general, and from there to the war in Iraq. I don't have a problem with the mention of the name Iraq, except that it is telling, not showing... it lacks imagery and brings the poem down to preconceived ideas, which is exactly what the poem is trying to dispell.

I would make this poem longer, take out the cliches and generalities that become just "poetic" words, add imagery and specifics, make it connect to a person (whether about you or someone a world away, your readers will always be able to better connect to a person) and present people with a way out (it's fine to lament the loss of the human race's humane qualities, but if you want to change something you need to give people a way to make things different). Make the poem stand out from all others of the same nature; appeal to the ethos of humanity.

You're on the right track, and I would just keep on revising, keep on writing more poems about the issues you feel strongly about. Look at things from every perspective; you don't have to be a politician to make a detailed study of how the issues of today are affecting people - just observe your next-door neighbors, interview a homeless man, count the number of extra-extra-large shirts at Wal-Mart, watch the news, tape-record your classes at school, write a letter to a teenager in Israel and see if they want to be pen-pals. There are details all around you that would show to us why this is such an important issue to you, and if you can successfully show us that, we're more than likely to be persuaded or encouraged the way you want us to be.

Kinsely,


A set of irrational acts rendered in irrational prose.

The poem says that you have ceased to partake in our apathy towards some unnamed endeavor (genocide? rape? violence?). Van Gogh cut off his ear, but he could still paint. The speaker here has made a more substantial and immediate sacrifice.

Cool, but what is it in this poem that should make me care?


Best,
Brad

Wow. I get the point you're trying to get across. the poem was actually kind of good. But I think you need to put more generalization in there. That's just my opinion. Make it so it applies to us all and we all can connect to the poem. Ask yourself: What am I trying to get the reader to do? How do I want them to feel? What do I want them to think?
I think you have a great idea going here. Just brush it up a bit. It's nice to see other teenagers that care about the world we live in.

Yours truly,

Siam