In My Arms

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I stood there, waiting, waiting. Staring hard at the wood before me. The wood that separated me from my prey. My warm breath hit the cold night air and rose before my eyes in grey clouds, hazing my vision slightly. But still I stared intently at the door which brought me to the room in which I shall perform the deed. The deed I knew I had to do for years. I stood outside, listening to her speak to haunting ghosts of the black night. I couldn’t wait for her forever, I knew I wouldn’t be able to contain myself from flinging the door open and killing her now. But I did. I waited, just a bit longer.

This is what I told myself every night as I waited. She never slept, or so it seemed. Every night I heard the same mutterings, the same cursed language passing her lips and staining my mind. Never hesitating, never halting, constant attacks on my sub-conscious self that tore me apart, that killed me every time I heard them. The same things which haunted my dreams and plagued my waking hours. I dreamt these words, they were etched upon my skull like writing is etched across a page. I could say them without hesitation, but the thought of her curdled my blood. The fact that she had said them every night for the last week infuriated me, for they said the opposite of my emotions. Always the same.

“I love you my darling, the one I share my waking hours with until my dying breath. The one that I spend my life being watched by, and watching over, as all couples should be. Together forever, in body, but not in knowledge. For you know not the deep desires of my heart, nor will you ever. For my lips are sealed, never to speak of it”

But she did speak of it, every night, every second. And it didn’t end with that, she would speak all night, depicting in detail her darkest secrets. I could see what she thought, just from the images that flashed before my eyes. Her deep desires of her heart that she wanted kept from me, each one destroyed all I had built, all I had worked for, as I knew the final outcome.

She had to go. I knew what she had stashed away, all handed to me when it was all said and done. Her fortune was all left to me and I want it. I would wait for the time to come, I knew what I had to do.

And it stopped. For the first time in the week I spent outside her door, the muttering stopped. My ears felt no curses laid upon them, they felt no torments being called down upon me. The feeling was bliss, like I was alive. I waited a few more minutes

And slowly, softly, I took one step to the doorway, my hand outstretched, longing for the handle. With all my heart loving what I was doing, I touched the cool metal and took it down, carefully edging the door away from the frame in which it stood. A small ray of light entered the room and fell across her bed, where she sat slumped against the wall. She looked dead already and I hadn’t done a thing to her. She looked like I needn’t touch her, but I knew I had to. I pushed my hand in my pocket, and pulled out a small, but powerful gun. I cocked it and pointed it at her head.

She sat upright, awoken by the click of the gun as I pulled it back to me. She raised her head and stopped centimetres away from the barrel, still in my range. Then she was still, she dared not move, lest she cause me to pull the trigger and make her still forever. Sweat trickled from her forehead and ran down her cheek, closely raced by a tear, which fell fast and landed on the sheets softly. Although it was a mere drop upon the bed, I heard it echo throughout my body, pulsing through my skin and lodging inside my brain. I stayed silent, not moving anywhere, not showing an ounce of compassion.

And still she wept, eyes wide and unblinking. I felt myself give a twinge of guilt as I looked into her eyes, after knowing how she felt for me. But my hatred for her spiels took over and squashed my guilt. I had no use for emotions so petty.

And we were like that for an age. It felt like I wouldn’t do it, then she gave a great sob, and it pushed my rage greater than any bird could fly. I couldn’t stand how much weakness she was showing. Although I knew the weakness she showed every night, never had I felt rage this intense. My finger quivered on the warm metal beneath it. The muscles in my hand tensed up. A bead of sweat dripped down my face, and she looked up into my eyes, lovingly, pleadingly. Once again this sparked my anger. My finger jerked quickly towards my body.

And in an instant, she fell forwards. All my anger was let out and I could here birds fly from the rooftops at the noise that the gun produced. The long, echoing band that pierced the silence. It shook the walls, shook my skin, shook my very bones. I looked in horror at what I had wrought, and blinked just once as she fell forwards, slumped in her dying place, drew her last breath, then was silent. The new sensation swept over me. I had killed her. A sick smile drifted across my face. I could feel it lift every fibre of my being. I was happy again, like I hadn’t been for ages. I let her fall into my arms, and cradled her gently, rocking from side to side. Like a lover would rock his bride to be. And I could feel my heart beating strongly under my ribs, from adrenaline, from excitement, from hatred. But there was something I had never felt, as a sat with her, in my arms. I felt at home, with her, in my arms.




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Interesting. You have a unique talent. THis story was very captivating. But, I don't really understand it. Oh, well. I thought it was very well written. Writergirl
"It is better to save than to destroy, and that justice is most righteous which is tempered by mercy." Mark Twain




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All comments will be in the text preceded by "//"


I stood there, waiting, waiting.

// to create better tension you could maybe use fragments. "I stood there. Waiting.Waiting."

Staring hard at the wood before me. The wood that separated me from my prey.

//I arn't sure if this flows too well.

My warm breath hit the cold night air and rose before my eyes in grey clouds, hazing my vision slightly.

//Longer sentences coming in. Excellent

But still I stared intently at the door which brought me to the room in which I shall perform the deed. The deed I knew I had to do for years. I stood outside, listening to her speak to haunting ghosts of the black night. I couldn’t wait for her forever, I knew I wouldn’t be able to contain myself from flinging the door open and killing her now. But I did. I waited, just a bit longer.

//This is excellently written, we get a tast of the first person's thoughts.

This is what I told myself every night as I waited. She never slept, or so it seemed. Every night I heard the same mutterings, the same cursed language passing her lips and staining my mind.

//I think "staining" is too weak. Maybe "cuttinng, slicing, piercing, dicing, burning hammering, engulfing, poisoning" However I like the present-participle.


“I love you my darling, the one I share my waking hours with until my dying breath. The one that I spend my life being watched by, and watching over, as all couples should be. Together forever, in body, but not in knowledge. For you know not the deep desires of my heart, nor will you ever. For my lips are sealed, never to speak of it”

//I like the speech here.



She had to go. I knew what she had stashed away, all handed to me when it was all said and done. Her fortune was all left to me and I want it. I would wait for the time to come, I knew what I had to do.

//This paragraph is excellently started, it switches from the rambling thoughts to a now determined stream.

And it stopped. For the first time in the week I spent outside her door, the muttering stopped. My ears felt no curses laid upon them, they felt no torments being called down upon me. The feeling was bliss, like I was alive. I waited a few more minutes

And slowly, softly, I took one step to the doorway, my hand outstretched, longing for the handle. With all my heart loving what I was doing, I touched the cool metal and took it down, carefully edging the door away from the frame in which it stood. A small ray of light entered the room and fell across her bed, where she sat slumped against the wall. She looked dead already and I hadn’t done a thing to her. She looked like I needn’t touch her, but I knew I had to. I pushed my hand in my pocket, and pulled out a small, but powerful gun. I cocked it and pointed it at her head.

//The tension is built well here.

She sat upright, awoken by the click of the gun as I pulled it back to me. She raised her head and stopped centimetres away from the barrel, still in my range. Then she was still, she dared not move, lest she cause me to pull the trigger and make her still forever. Sweat trickled from her forehead and ran down her cheek, closely raced by a tear, which fell fast and landed on the sheets softly. Although it was a mere drop upon the bed, I heard it echo throughout my body, pulsing through my skin and lodging inside my brain. I stayed silent, not moving anywhere, not showing an ounce of compassion.

//I think this was a tad omnicient, the first person seems to notice alot about the sweat, would he really notice that?

And we were like that for an age. It felt like I wouldn’t do it, then she gave a great sob, and it pushed my rage greater than any bird could fly. I couldn’t stand how much weakness she was showing. Although I knew the weakness she showed every night, never had I felt rage this intense. My finger quivered on the warm metal beneath it. The muscles in my hand tensed up. A bead of sweat dripped down my face, and she looked up into my eyes, lovingly, pleadingly. Once again this sparked my anger. My finger jerked quickly towards my body.

And in an instant, she fell forwards. All my anger was let out and I could here birds fly from the rooftops at the noise that the gun produced. The long, echoing band that pierced the silence. It shook the walls, shook my skin, shook my very bones. I looked in horror at what I had wrought, and blinked just once as she fell forwards, slumped in her dying place, drew her last breath, then was silent. The new sensation swept over me. I had killed her. A sick smile drifted across my face. I could feel it lift every fibre of my being. I was happy again, like I hadn’t been for ages. I let her fall into my arms, and cradled her gently, rocking from side to side. Like a lover would rock his bride to be. And I could feel my heart beating strongly under my ribs, from adrenaline, from excitement, from hatred. But there was something I had never felt, as a sat with her, in my arms. I felt at home, with her, in my arms.


//I thought this was a powerful ending but I dont understand the repetition of "in my arms" it seems to be for effect but I think it only distracted from an otherwise superb ending.

//Overall it was excellently written, the plot was good and you allowed the reader to take a deeper look into the first persons mind. The narrative voice was fantastic and it pulled in the reader deeping, wanting them to read on with every paragraph. My only pick is you use a lot of connectives at the beginning of the paragraphs, maybe changing a few could better enhance an otherwise brilliant flow.


Writergirl - What didnt you understand about Tim's piece? [/b]
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG




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thank you for that in depth critique Adam. i'll get around to aditting things sometime, but probably after more people have read the original and given some ideas




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anyone else want to review? i really want to make this better, so everything is welcome




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My critique won't be quite so in depth. There's no printer in my apartment and I can't go line by line on the computer. But I can give you my first reactions.

This is a good scene. It felt tense, aided by the repetition in the sentences and the feeling of obsession we got from the main character. But, it also contained one of my biggest pet peeves, which is mystery with nothing revealed. It's like going to a magic show and watching a wonderful setup, but the curtain falls before the trick ends. Hardly a show, wouldn't you say? That is why i say this is a good scene, but not really a story. There's an arc, per se, but it needs to be drawn out more. Tell us, what would drive someone to kill another human being! Particularly when she is in love! Maybe with some answers the tension, and emotion, would be raised. Sadly, reading alternative fiction all day at work makes me cringe when a blindfold is thrown over the reader as a hook. Mystery can lead to intrigue, but more often than not, it leads to frustration.




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You have a different voice than I am used to. I really enjoyed it but I was alittle confused. All in all pretty good!




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Ok, tabris and myself excluded - this is a poor show of critiques. Come on guys, why were you confused? What did you like, what didnt you like? Your comments are pretty much meaningless to tim (leonheart) as they are.

Thanks
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG




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Wish I knew what else to say. The story tiptoes around a relationship that the main character has with this girl, probably centered around a love affair between someone and someone, or a love curse or something. This something was what I was confused about. Before we find out this relationship (and hence, the true motivation behind the actions of the story), the girl is killed and the story ends. It feels a little premature. Personally, I would like the story expanded to answer that looming question of why? The why being, why is what I am seeing happening, what is the ultimate motivation? (There is a story to this why, and I bet it's pretty interesting). There are undercurrents that partially answer this, and I am a big fan of subtelty, but there is always a fine line between subtle and confusing. This, unfortunatly, falls on the wrong side of that line. Tweaked a bit, I feel the reader could have a more engaging experience with the piece.

The reason I say this is because until I noticed these undercurrents, starting on the second paragraph, there was little about the piece that intrigued me. Detailed with a typical writing style and character mindset, it didn't distinguish itself. I had read this before. But, when the author started delving into this background story, just a little bit, I found myself more interested with the piece. My girlfriend said the same thing. In the first couple of sentences she had an adverse reaction, but after I finished reading it she pointed to the second paragraph and said, "you know, I didn't really like it until there".

Other than that, I would have to print it out to critique the story on a more line by line basis.




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ok, Tabris, thanks for that, i sort of see where you're coming from. this piece was born as a homework for Drama, we had to do a piece to be read aloud to explore tone of voice. we could choose a poem by someone else, or a short story, so i decided on a short story, written by myself. this fact may be why i didn't go so in depth with the thoughts.

but i can completely understand that i haven't gone into it well enough. i think with a little work, i could weave something in, but i was very vague then, and even i dont think i know what the motives were behind it.

the second paragraphs turns it around? ok, so i'll focus things on the first paragraph and try to capture the reader better as well. ill start to produce a re-draft shortly, probably now actually, while i have some time on my hands, and follow both your and Adam's advice. if you can get a line by line review, that would be great.



Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman