Dead Inside

I can't feel your soft touch
I can't see your green eyes
I can't hear your angelic voice

I am dead inside

I miss your hugs
I miss your love
I miss you

Why did you leave me?
You killed me

I am dead inside

Any Critisizim is welcomed
Thanx!

Well, it's straightforward to say in the least! No doubt about that!

First off, this seemed more of a statement than of a poem. To me, it didn't seem that there was much imagination or life in this piece. I know (as you demonstrate clearly) that you miss that person, but why do you miss him? Add a little more depth by including things like memories, circumstances, etc. There's a whole plethora of things you could include to give this poem more depth.

Also, as a friendly warning-try not to turn this into the typical I miss you soooo much poem type of thing. After reading a lot of those, the idea tends to get old. Frankly, I think the sign of a good poet is one who can take a cliched idea and turn it into something new, original, and wonderful because of their creative imagination.

Good luck with the poem, and if you have any questions, please pm me!

Wiggy

Simple, straightforward, to the point. Its not bad. Could have contained a bit more detail though

.....Ok.....


I dont think the repetition of the questions works at all - in fact it lowers what I think of poets when they ask endless questions with no answer.

See "What were they like?" for a nice poem of this type.

just doesn't have the effect of a poem to me. its a simple "repetition of questions" that don't seem to lead to anywhere. like Phorcys says, "What Were They Like" might be a good idea to try.

I agree w/ the purple balloon. I think it repeats too much and makes the reader lose interest. Use different sorts of words and the poem will be good.

~~Judi Patootie

Thanx 4 the critisizm. It's my first time posting poem and I need A LOT of help
So...Thanx!

*dies a little inside*

May I guide you to look at an article for me? Poetry & Punctuation. Read it, study it, learn it, use it.

This was very short, and to the point. When you are writing something with emotion like this, you need to not be selfish like writers tend to do; think only of your audience. How can they relate to what you are showing them? In fact, you are showing us nothing, you are telling us everything. We have to be able to relate.

People want to read a poem, and have some emotion or thought they take away from it.

A good suggestion, read as much poetry you can, find what makes it good, what makes it pretty, and try it for yourself.

Nice link Claudette.

Staring- I recommend getting your hands on a Poetry Anthology of some kind, read some Heaney.

So this piece was to the point, it shows that you miss him, but that in itself is a little cliche. Maybe if you expressed why you missed him it would give this poem a bit more strength, a bit more structure. It would boost the imagery that the reader would get while reading this piece as well has helping the readers to relate in some way or other. In all, it was nice, but it could be better if you put some more detail into it.

- Fabien

I liked the shortness of it but detail wouldn't have been a bad thing here. I like the whole jist of the poem. It is a good way to convey your feelings after a breakup.

The shortness of the poem really worked for me. I really liked the theme. Very interesting.

This isn't poetry. Poetry let's the reader's feel the emotion of the piece. Let's the reader interpret it and see it through their eyes. Let's the reader be guided and shown images and metaphors, messages and morals.

This is a proverbial slap in the face.

Try reading poetry. A lot. The more you read, the more you see what works and what dosen't. Then, after you've learned somethings [and have realized that feeling crushed after reading this crit isn't the appropriate response :p] come back and try to re-convey these emotions in an original, poetic way.

I'll be looking forward to seeing it when you do

~Ed

My teacher in Lit. Mag, and I where just having is argument fri. He doesn't like our generation's poems, says they're too straight forwards, and there are no literary componates to them.

Of course, I disagree. I think that it is only straight forward if you want it to be straight forward.

While he might see this piece, as shallow and a waste of paper, I can feel the pain. I can see it, and that is noble. Some times straight forward is the right way to do things.