First of all, the title is a huge turn-off. If you don't like your work, how do you expect others to?
Woah... repetition. I'm sure you can gauge my reaction here. I get bogged down in the repetition so much that I can't even really read the rest of it.
The last stanza, while pleasently devoid of repetition within itself, was just a summary of what happened in the previous stanzas, and didn't seem to add mcuh that was new, rather than helping to understand everything else in a new light.
Rethink your approach, and you might have something going here.
