And how do you laugh a laugh? That sounds weird. Dance a dance sounds funny too. This could be cool if you had more in it and didn't use all the same stuff again and again.
I didn't like it: I think the repetition didnt carry any meaning and took all power away from the poem. In future, consider writing what your heart says - don't try and make a pattern of your words and don't try and force a repetition or rhyme that doesn't work.
lulu_lizzrd, I think that your poem whould sound less repetitive if you made it something like:
Sing a song that opens your heart
Dance a dance that 'wakens your eyes
Write a poem so lovely you weep
Laugh a laugh just for we
For whatever you do
I will always love you.
You whould add more punctuation, but it should probably sound something like that.
Good Luck,
London
"When Ajax strives some rock's vast weight to throw,
The line too labors, and the words move slow;" -Alexander Pope
Like everyone is saying, there is too much repetition in here that does nothing to this poem but rather takes away from it's potential power. Also punctuation might help too. Otherwise, for a first ever poem, which you said this was, this was definitely a very impressive write, as I've seen people who have been writing poetry for a while that don't right this good. I think you could be good at it if you kept writing and working at it and developing a style and all, ya know?
Not going to mention the repetition seen as others dealt with that... oh dear. Too late. I mentioned it. Seriously though, that doesn't work. One or two lines repeated for emphasis is fine but the whole poem is repetition with the odd other word. Also, you mistyped your a few times -
Write a poem that 'wakens you eyes (here)
Laugh a laugh that 'wakens you eyes (and here)
Also, 'wakens makes little sense. Even as awakens your eyes, it still doesn't sound quite right but I agree that the ending is sweet and well written.
It repeats to much, and has no punctuation. (Unless you count the one period at the very end.) Those are my biggest complaints.
Since you yourself say you are new to poetry, I suggest you read poems. That helps. Read some on the forum, look at the comments, see what is good/bad, and figure out how you can improve your own writing by what other people look for in poetry.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
well, everyone else has pointed out the content errors, and Claw already said my standard recommendation: Read.
However, I still feel there's something to say.
Whatever you do, do not set yourself up for failure. If you introduce your poetry by saying 'yeah...it sucks', you might think you're just trying to excuse any mistakes via admittance, but in reality you're putting everyone in a mindset to read something terrible. Also, if you just bluntly say you think your piece is crap, it lends to thinking that you don't care about it. And if you don't care, then why should any potential-critiquers care?
Regardless, if you expect to write poorly, then that's what's gonna happen.
Oh yeah..... read
~Ed
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway
*sigh*
it seems that everyone has said everything already. but that's ok, because...your poem had to much repition in it...so why can't everything else? it's because it is a bit tiring to hear after a bit, right?
so maybe if enough people say it, then maybe it will make sense to you?
other than that the last verse, was indeed sweet! Muy Bien! nice first try...but remember, you can only get better now!...well let's at least hope that all of our repetitious posts have helped! keep it up!
---Lora
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.
Try to be better than yourself."
--William Faulkner
The last two lines were off rhythm and didn't add much to the poem. The repetition was getting boring. I knew the entire feeling and subject of the poem by the time I read the first stanza. why did I need to go on? But for a first poem, not bad. keep writing.
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
