I would really appreiciate if you could read my story and comment on it. Thanks.
Jakson Beech stared at the small tuna mayo sandwich sitting on the table in front of him on a china plate. He didn't like tuna mayo in anything, let alone a sandwich. His wife had made him start eating tuna mayo sandwiches and tuna mayo dips and so on. She was on her third health phase of the year and when she was on a health pahse then everyone else had to be as well. Jakson did, however, think he was lucky that it was tuna mayo his wife had put him on and not celery like Ree. Ree was his 14-year old daughter. She was a very spirited girl and was brimming with determination and style. She wasn't short of brains either but her flaws were a terribly bad temper, prone to depression, isolated, wild and uncontainable. She was unusual and wierd but that was what seperated Ree from everyone else in the world. Jakson and Ree could be stuck in a crowd of thousands of people but he would be able to find her almost instantly. There was only one weakness withen Ree and that was her love for her family and people whom she held very close to her heart. There is only one person that Ree would sacrifice herself for and that was her little sister, Alice. Ree would move mountains and destroy anyone and anything in her path just to make sure that Alice was safe. It made Jakson smile to know that his eldest daughter loved and treasured his younger daughter. It was the higlight of his day to come home from a hard day of work and see Ree running round the back garden with Alice on her shoulders, alughing and screaming with pleasure. Nothing could spoil his happy mood after that breathtaking sight of love. Not even his wife. Jakson and Macey were not really husband and wife. They were in the eyes of the law but they did not love each other and the only reason they didn't divorce each other was that it would ruin Ree and it would, in turn, make her break Alice's heart. That was the one thing Jakson couldn't do and neither could his wife. Alice was such a sweet young girl that she could make the sun shine in the middle of a catistrophic hurricane. She was always nice, prim and prissy. Her face was the very image of beauty and her long, flowing black hair was amaxingly sot and shiny. Her eyes could melt the heart of someone as cold as the north and south poles. She was ever so sensetive and caring. Alice wasn't the only beautiful daughter of his. Ree didn't look that bad either. Her dark red hair was lovely and all of her features were gorgeous. No once could have wished for more lovely daughters than those of Jakson and Macey.
" Are you going to eat that?" Asked Macey Beech. Jaksons wife. Jakson was about to pick up the sandwich and nibble at it when he decided that it was the final straw.
" No. Macey. I am not going to eat this vile snadwich in front of me." He said, harpooning the sandwich with a fork.
" Jakson. Can we not start in front of the kids please?"
" Macey. You listen to me because I am only saying this once. I am no longer going to tolerate you underneath the same roof as me. I am leavng. I have had enough of pretending that I still love ou just to save our kids a whole lot of suffering. Why should I have to live out most of my life pretending that I love you when I dont?" Whispered Jakson.
" This is not the time and the place. We shall discuss this after dinner." Hissed Macey.
" Well," Announced Jakson. " I think that dinner is finished." He pushed his plate with the sandwich on it into the centre of the table.
" Mum. If Dad has finished his dinner then so have I." Ree pushed her plate, containing several mushed and bruised celery sticks cut into sword and arrow shapes, into the center of the table as well. Macey sighed and jerked her head in the direction of the living room. She stood up and walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. Her hands with red nails resting on her black skirts lap.
" Ree. I want you to do me a favour and go to the cinema and then get yourself some REAL food. Now you know which films you can and cannot watch don't you?"
" Yes."
" Good. Here is £20." Jakson removed a £20 note from his jean pocket and handed it too Re, who plucked it from his fingers. " So go to the cinema and watch your film. Buy some popcorn, juice, ice cream or whatever and then afterwards get yourself one of those KFC bargain buckets or a pizza hut. There is one condition to this. I want you back home by 10pm. Ok?"
" Yeah, Dad. Fine. Thanks. I'll be back by 10." Ree ran up to her room and was sliding down the banister seconds later with her bikers jacket and heels on and Jakson opened the front door and watched his daughter fly out of the house. He closed the door and locked it and smiled slightly as he did so. The smile, however, vanished instantly as he walked into the living room.
" You should know better than tostart throwing threats around when the kids are present. Your lucky that it was just me, you and Ree and not Alice otherwiswe she would have heard what we were saying. Or more what you were saying."
" Well. I have a point don't you think!"
" Yes, but just because you don't love me anymore doesn't justify the fact that you were so close to tearing this family apart!" Shouted Macey. She stood up from the couch.
" ME! ME! You are saying that I was the one that came so close to tearing this family apart! Soor but this family was torn apart a long time ago by your royal majesty standing in front of me." Jakson shouted back and so the row began. Shouting her and insults there. The atmosphere in the room was so intense that you could have cracked an egg and it would have fried before it even hit the floor. Macey and Jakson glared at each other with anger and contempt and then sudenly the anger dissapeared and the hatred and contempt was gone. The cracked egg would have been sitton on the carpet as a pile of liquedy goop and it would have stayed like that until someone decided to scoop it into a frying pan and fry it on top of an oven. Macey's eyes softened and tears began to roll down her cheeks.
" Jakson. I am so sorry! I never stopped loving you! Never! I hope you knew that I hope that we can be together again." Macey collapsed onto his houlder in a fit of tears and Jakson's heart suddenly softened and he grabbed hold of macey by her and head and kissed her. She wrapped her arms around him and when they broke apart they smiled at each other and snuggled up together on the couch with a film on. They were in love again! Well, if one wanted to be precise they were more in love with each other because in both their heart of hearts they had never stopped loving each other. Not once.
Read back through it, find spelling errors, and then just make sure it turned out the way you wanted it to. Also, make sure it makes sense to your reader. At the beginning, it was a little rough, but I thought it was written well. A little short perhaps, but that's all right for your first draft. (Or even if that's the way you want to keep it! 