Total Sappy Mush

I remember, today you asked me how I could ever love you, the scientist I was. I remember how I responded also. I froze, a panicked look on my face and cracked a witty comback, hoping that you wouldn’t notice. But you did. I know you did, otherwise, why else would you have turned away from me?

And I can’t bear the thought of losing you again. Sometimes, I feel as if this whole adventure is pointless, as if love is a farce and nothing I do or say amounts to anything in this life. And I get down and I just want to cry and cry and cry, as if I could dissolve in my tears and melt away in the oceans. But then I think of you and suddenly everything seems okay. Yes, I know it seems clichéd, and you’re probably mentally chiding me, already correcting my word usage. You always were the poet. But I can’t help myself! I love you.

I love the way you can make me feel helpless. You really were the stronger one of both of us. Yes, I pretended to be the stronger one, but my strength lies in tearing us apart. You’re the only one who kept us together, and I admit that. How couldn’t I have seen that before? When I protested in my shrill voice that you were being cruel and prudish, you simply listened and then, after all my insults, gave me a hug. And how helpless I felt! How stupid! I admit, I almost fell down and cried. But I stayed strong. And why? Because of you.

I love you.

I remember reading in a science magazine that scientists studying Creation were debating whether our universe would just expand forever or collapse on itself and restart anew. At the time, I had hoped that we would expand forever so that we could remain intact, together in the dying stars for all of eternity, but now I see that I am wrong. Things change, but they start again, always. They grow and grow until they can’t grow anymore and then they stop – and grow some more. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before, that things change, that the universe is a living thing, but I didn’t. Are you ashamed of me?

I don’t know. It’s funny that I can appear to be so intelligent, so full of myself, and yet the real answer of my going into science is because I don’t know. I don’t know anything. And in a way, I don’t know how to love. I know it’s silly and even bizarre. You’re probably laughing at this letter – if you can call it that. But what I do know is that things can change, and if the universe can change, then I can change as well. But it just takes time. And I need you to be patient, especially now. And in turn, I’ll try harder. We’ll work it through together somehow, I promise.

Well, it's very eloquent, but it's kind of cliche, I'd have to see it in the entire context of the story to really like it.

'cracked a wisecrack'

need I say more?

I love the way you can make me feel helpless. You really were the stronger one of both of us. Yes, I pretended to be the stronger one, but my strength lies in tearing us apart.

I like this part because it sounds like nothing I've heard before. Maybe I haven't heard enough but I do like it.

Good stuff Snoink!

Ah well, you have a fragment of a point, Snoink, in your blog. o.0

I remember reading in a science magazine that scientists studying Creation were debating whether our universe would just expand forever or collapse on itself and restart anew. At the time, I had hoped that we would expand forever so that we could remain intact, together in the dying stars for all of eternity, but now I see that I am wrong. Things change, but they start again, always. They grow and grow until they can’t grow anymore and then they stop – and grow some more. I don’t know why I didn’t see this before, that things change, that the universe is a living thing, but I didn’t. Are you ashamed of me?

The above was its best bit. It characterising by an instance in the person's(?) life, showing it - and we get more than the somewhat whining, edging cliche talking of quite a bit of it.

It's very much a fragment, I assume? It rambles in a way distinctly unlike the edited brevity/precision of FREAK or even your Statue bit. Rambling is lovely in the memory of the theories there, universe expanding or contracting?

It's difficult to care when that's the make-up of the story. ^_^''

...Though you likely knew quite a bit of that. You're too hard on yourself, after all. I liked the longer sentences and the tone of meandering; merely its frame was nonexistent. Perhaps as a letter, it would have context (in a longer story)?


IMP

Snoink,


This clunks through like you slapped it together without thought. The paragraph PImp has pulled is the only paragraph here even close to matching the voice and elegance of some of FREAK's finer moments.

In a piece as short as this, I wonder why it's stuffed with a hailstorm of cliches ("I don't know how to love," anyone?)--probably because, instead of showing us these things, you just told us them, and as a result, they fell flat and boring. As it is a letter, you're simply going to have to find better and more evocative language to manage this. That, or cut back the length and standard repetition.

I think starting from the aforementioned paragraph and working from there is your best choice.


Best,
Brad

I think it is beautiful. So heart felt. It expresses what needs to be expressed.

I noticed you never applied a male or female tag to these two. At first i thought it was a girl scientist cause (Not be sexist) you're a girl. But now that i think about it it could be two guys or a guy scientist.

Yeah i think it's great. If this was part of a love story novel thingy it would fit somewhere nicely i think.

It's so sweet. When it comes to love, perfection is imperfect.

Don't mind them talking about cliches. It's ok sometimes. I do have one question... Why did you not try to create any sort of character association? This almost sounds like your mind wandering. A rant if you will >< (or maybe notes)

So is this the beginning of something or just a little ditty?

Not bad, but because of the anonomous characters it feels detached and editorialized. Fiction shouldn't have to be editorialized. It should speak for itself and the characters should sway the emotions of the reader.

If this were to be an opening statement I would either: make sure the characters are quickly set in stone right after this, in order to capture the readers attention and hold him/her there; or I would rewrite this showing and not telling the emotions that are felt by both her and him.

Keep writing!

To Snoink,



I rather like this short story, find it cute
Cliche's shouldnt matter, if the cliche is really how you feel, the same goes with loving someone. shouldnt matter with gender or colour if you really love them.

I know im only 15, but I find that your a very promising writer


Best of luck, Sophiee-Rose

Eek, thanks for the critique!

This piece is really quite old though... so I think its time has come to be locked!