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First off, I don't think I've critiqued anything by you, or ever generally said welcome to you. Welcome to YWS! I'm Claudette! Instructor-soon-to-be-Jr. Mod!

Now then, the critique. Punctuation. I'm not going to say any more, because I wrote a whole article on this idea for this sole purpose. Poetry & Punctuation by Me. That might help you out a bit on this one; read it, study it, try it out for yourself.

Now, for the real poem. It...spills all over its self the ideas you are having. And it does it badly. From a general-poem standing, the rhyming doesn't happen in any pattern, and there is no recognizable rhythm, creating flow issues. Making your poem have a pattern is helpful, it makes people understand and. (You might want to look at the articles I linked in the above article, those would help. And that is a weird sentence.)

So i grabbed a knife
Gave myself these scars

This jumps at the reader, a lot. We don't expect it, it makes you look like the crazy violent kid in the corner, and no, that isn't a good thing.

When you write, write the real words, not "u" and "bu by" (I know you write in chat speak, I've spoken with you before, when you are doing real pieces of work, its best to leave chat speak to AIM)

The actual poem and the idea...The idea was good, but it needs to be done in a better way. This is where my abilities as a poetry critiquer fall off the face of the earth XD I'm not sure what to tell you on how to fix this, I don't know how because I've never had the problem with myself (MIND: Thats only because when I used to write poetry, and I used to do it like this too, I never fixed any of it. Now my poems aren't emotionally geared)

I'll have to finish this later—

This i couldn't read at all apart from being mind numbinly depressing it has no layout and no punuacton. The way it set makes me stop reading. The layout wrong. I'm sorry but i couldn't read anymore.Fix layout and punuaction then i'll read it.

What the hell is it with young people and all these depressing poems?! Jesus...

First off, your first two lines have a problem... Everythings? ... Not a word. Apostrophes!

... That's about as much as I could stand to read... everything else was a complete turn off, and I read about half of it before my eyes started hurting.

Stanzas, that's what they're called, use them. Use several. Go nuts with them.

Punctuation as well. And the "i"'s, are really annoying... It's called proofreading. Realize how none of us could finish it so far... I'm not saying it's a bad poem, but I can't tell... because of the bad format.

Write lines according to your own flow, use the stanzas as you feel... The only reason I tell you this is so nobody will read your poems, because that is how I write mine

*Turns head away and thrashes violently cursing.*

im sorry jeesh it was actually ment for a friend of mine she had a boyfriend who he dumped her so she kinda cut herself i wrote these lyrics for HER and she thought that they were pretty good.

the only one that was actually being nice to me while commenting *meaning no RUDE comments* was cluadette *im sorry again if i spelled that wrong*
anyways as i was saying give me a break other people its like my third try on here
and usually write in chat mode so i didnt think i needed punctuaation.

i'll try to improve thanks for the suggestions!

dramagurly--


I, I, I, me, me, me.

I get the distinct impression that you write for therapeutic reasons as both of your pieces "tell" us all about you, and the problems you are experiencing. At some point, you will realise that nobody really cares, and you have to decide that if you only write to make yourself feel better, then you are never going to attract an audience.

If you decide that you would like to reach an audience, you have to start writing for them.


Best,
Brad