Chionophobia #11 /P

Removed.

“I’m not really sure what I saw.” Kyle clicked, and the figures on the screen started jumping and twirling again.

Ack. This is like a really bad situation here. Thats jon talking, isn't it? The fact that Kyle has an action after it (without a paragraph break, mind) will make people think it was kyle (despite the fact that Kyle was speaking before this)

The way entropy is basically the guiding hand of the universe, edging it to the limits of chaotic behavior, remember?

that sounds SOO cool!

I'll have to finish this later. I'm seriously trying to do it now, but I can't concentrate. Sorry!

And, the math doesn't confuse me. I love it. I get it all. I love science and health and math, that stuff fascinates the snot out of me; I just cant do big math work. But I love theories. hee.

Your words in this impress me more and more. I love how everyone tells Jon to get laid, that's hylarious. Good job on this one.

Came back, finally...

No. Before you go looking others

missing a word?

Loved the humor, and the drama, and the smartness.

“Jonathon—get laid.”

Nice comment to bring back

...I had a bloody post here, and it left me.

Anyway.

Don't interrupt Jonathon's dialogue with Kyle's actions - you do it a few times. There's a long string of dialogue where Jonathon addresses Kyle by name in every single sentence. That's annoying; don't do that. Emo Jonathon returns.

Nice ending, though. Wonderful comeback. I might start using that...

Hello! I've been reading these, and until now, I haven't had a critique.

“Stop it, Kyle! You can’t keep manipulating me as you please!”

This sounds kind of fake.

That's all of my critique! I like really like your ending on this one. I'm off to go read the rest.
-Jenna