Young Writers Society

The Lego bricks tumble and fall,
The men they lie beneath it all,
The guilty stand, emotion, no change,
Their bullets empty from any range.
Their legs don't move, they can't run,
Their hearts they melt under the tears of the sun.
The dead they are no longer a name,
The Lego men, if only it was a game.

I don't really have any comments on the subject, just on the format and some lines.

The Lego bricks tumble and fall,
The men[comma, or colon. Your choice.]they lie beneath it all,

The guilty stand, emotion, no change,

I don't like the punctuation here, or the way the line is set up, because "emotion, no change" I don't really like that... I mean I get it but the word 'emotion' I don't know. Maybe it should be written. "The guilty stand. Emotion: no change," I think it may work better like this.

Their legs don't move, they can't run,
Their hearts they melt under the tears of the sun.
The dead they are no longer a name,
The Lego men, if only it was a game.

Here the rhythm gets funky, and so it breaks the flow.

Other than that, it was good.

The Lego bricks tumble and fall,
The men, they lie beneath it all,
The guilty stand. Emotion: no change,
Their bullets empty from any range.
Their legs don't move, they can't run,
Their hearts they melt under the tears of the sun.
The dead they are no longer a name,
The Lego men, if only it was a game.


Thanks for the help!

Hi, Sweetness -


This reads like an exercise. There is absolutely nothing here to captivate your audience.

If the goal was to complete an assignment--you probably did well. However, if your goal was to actually write a poem--you have failed.


Best,
Brad

The poem is pretty cool (it reminds me of me playing with legos, yay!) but it could do with just a little bit more editing. Your readers know about lego men and all that other stuff, and they also know about the toys. They also see your descriptions you've used and connected it with real life. With that said, these two lines are redundant:

The dead they are no longer a name,
The Lego men, if only it was a game.

We already figured out that, "Wow, this isn't a game." The force of this realization is lessened by you telling us it. So just delete those lines and it should be fine.

lego!! wooh i love lego!! but why were you shooting them?
never shoot lego! never never never, or i shoot you! mwahaha.
as for the poem, it lacks interest. Im the sort of reader who likes things interesting, addictive and that make sense. youre poem didn't make sense because no one shoots lego men unless theyre insane. it wasn't addictive either, it was the sort of thing i needed to force myself to read the end. although it was short, which helped. and for the reasons above it wasn't interesting.

On the plus side I liked it because its about lego. I like lego,

lego lego lego lego lego lego lego lego lego!!!

all the best
-cabbage