Chionophobia #10 /P

Removed.

; it’s a loop diuretic

I'm just checking. Is that a typo?

Jonathon looked up and hated himself in this moment like he had for the past ten years.

I had to read this a couple times to get it, "Himself in this moment like he" was where I started to stumble. It freaked me out, I felt like it needed a comma somewhere.

The daughter bit her lap and nodded before walking out.

Strange way to show stress, isn't it?

“It’ll be certain death!”

for some reason, this exact words sound too "Duh duh duh" to be in this scene. The word "Certain" screws it up.

The nurse pulled Ms. Rodriguez off Jonathon and led her into her mother’s room. Jonathon shook his head and went to see his last patient. He was sleeping, sound and unaware of that his life was at stake. Jonathon laughed—he didn’t know what else to do.

I think you should break at "He was sleeping..." And make a new paragraph to show the transition better; I had to go back and look at it.

You are going to hate this: The crying scene with the daughter needs work. I know! you're a crutch on dialog, but without the physical actions of the daughter it sounds a little blaze. It needs more. Just give it a sentence or two about how she was gasping for breath or whining or whispering about how her mom isn't supposed to die; anything. Just a little more narrative. And I want to see Jon showing just a LITTLE bit more sympathy; for somebody who cried a little and hates him self, he could have at least pat the daughter on the back right? Or does he not want to get sued for rape, too?

Jonathon reached out and grabbed her shoulder.

Grabbed sounds too rough for the actual action thats happening.

Look at me Dr. Graham!

comma before Dr. Graham?

I liked it, as always. This one had a bit more 'general' problems then the others.

You did really well with the Latino (er, or what was it?) Mother. I could practically visualizer, but then with the raped mother, it started out poorly and then got a little better, but only when she started going into the thing about the rape, otherwise at the beginning I can't really see her has a person. She's flat. (There you go...flat character.)

The ending, as always, is exciting! Good work, Bradness.

Clau--


Thanks for taking the time to read&respond.

A loop diuretic is something that enhances renal function--no foul spelling at play.

"lap" should be "lip"--good catch.

I'm not sure I will alter the "certain," but it's a good point.

As for describing Ms. Rodriguez: I'm afraid that as a medical doctor, you become insensitive to details. Being emotional is the equivalent of killing your patients--you have to remain calm and level-headed, even at the expense of becoming cold and heartless.

Towards the raped mother--I will continue to work on it. The problem with dying patients is that most people today have seen enough movies that human loss is now a grossly detached feeling.


Thanks again,
Brad

I liked this one as well. Again, and I know you'll get tired of hearing this, I love how you end your posts. I swear I can't stop reading because I have a slight disorder, lol(Once a question is asked, even by me, I MUST have it answered) That's how your story affects me which is very very good! Great Job!

Brad,

I really don't like the end when he starts crying. He's a crybaby throughout this whole thing, it seems, and it just doesn't fit his character to me. Or maybe part of him just reminds me too much of House, so I want him to be a callous... well, you know. I don't think that's the reason, though... I think, to put it plainly, that Jonathon just needs to grow some balls. That's the problem. He's so... insecure. And it's blatantly obvious.

How depressing! Why do you squeeze two dying patients into one chapter?
It was very un-House-like, and I didn't like it. Well, the Rodriguez woman was House-like, but Jon crying was not, and adding the heart-transplant kid in wasn't either. I suppose the part about him crying is okay, but the thing with Jimmy was too much, and it really made me dislike this chapter.
Wasn't there a Dr. Rodriguez in Chapter 7 or something? Are the related in some way, or are there just a number of people named Rodriguez?

Hi, guys -


I guess part of the problem is that: this isn't supposed to be House, or anything relating to it, and I think trying to compare the two will necessarily lead to disappointment.

Characters "falling out of character" may be explained by something we're not yet aware of--I'll let you be the judge of that and whether it compels you to read on or forces you away.


Best,
Brad

Well, it's similar to House, and your avatar encourages that sense, Brad. I know I said that Jon crying is un-House-like, but I know that they're separate characters and have the right to behave that way. It's written like it is a medical drama, so I think that's why it's compared to them. If it was just like House and they acted like House, it would be fanfiction, and I wouldn't read Chionophobia, I'd just watch TV.