Black

Black

Black dances with the devil
In front of the gates to Hell

Twisting and turning
Intertwining together
The Devil and the Black
Become one whole

Together they rule the night
Together they are the night

Silent as a lamb
The night seeps through the air
Running with the wind

Black is the shadow
That sweeps across the face of the moon
Black is the shadow
Racing through your veins

The shadow strikes fear
In the hearts of many
Consuming them, taking them
Until there is nothing left

Beware of the black
But do not fear it
For then there will be nothing left

Okay, I admit - I clicked on this piece because of an inside thing I have with my group. See, there are four of us, and somehow we became the Marauders (you know, from Harry Potter). I ended up being Sirius Black. So you can see the connection - and I suppose this poem describes Sirius quite well, or at least The Noble House of Black.

However, the actual poem itself... I don't know. It didn't seem very connected. What is this Black? How should the reader connect to it? If we can't connect with it, the last stanza won't really hit us. Actually, I think the last stanza is a sort of weak ending... I'm not sure I understand your point, and it doesn't really hit me.

This entire poem is just sort of bland. Don't get me wrong - I think if polished a bit it could be a really cool poem, and I really like the idea. However... I think it needs to be a bit deeper. Your images are okay, but like I said, the poem doesn't seem connected. It's just describing this thing I'm unsure of.

Try connecting it more to the readers and weaving the stanzas together a little more. I think it definitely has potential, and it actually reminds me of one of my favorite characters. Just polish it up a bit, mkay?

I agree with Crysi. You're not being specific enough about this Black...thing. A lot of people associate the color black with darkness/evil. What's so special about this black shadow? I really like this stanza:

Black is the shadow
That sweeps across the face of the moon
Black is the shadow
Racing through your veins

Perhaps expand off this shadow idea. What does this shadow represent? How does it get into a person and consume them?

Keep writing!

Kinsley--


niteowl has identified the only remnant from this train crash worth saving for later use. The rest of this will fit nicely in a trash bin.


Best,
Brad

What is the black, what is this poem trying to say? I felt it was a little random and carried little meaning or thought in itself. I also found it a little bland, it just didnt capture me.

Brad - lol, you crack me up even though you are being serious. But you are right, nothing like being straight. A lot of this is trash worthy.