Chionophobia #6 /P

Removed.

Try saying something other than 'Kyle' because his name becomes very noticeable and repeated by the third paragraph.

Maybe its the fact that I'm staring at it a little harder, but I'm also noticing "Jonathan" a lot, and names seem to be getting on my nerves right now.

He picked up and looked at it before setting it back down

missing a word.

Again, I feel like I was shoved into a story with not idea what is happening. But this time, I like it a little more. The fight was good, I'm interested again. I still want to know more. And what about the scenery? Can I see scenery a little better?

I don't really have a lot to say about this, I don't think I ever do. Same thing applies to this as did to the other ones, though. If that helps.

This was good. I like the discription at the beggining, it was very interesting as well as the fight and also the information and clues that you keep giving about past events really keeps your story going. Every time a read new chapter it seems like I go further back in the past and more ahead into the future as well. Never read a book like this before. Thinking of have this published?

Dialogue: not as realistic as in previous episodes. An example:

Jonathon nodded. “How do you do it, Kyle?”

Kyle furrowed his brow. “Do…what?”

“Keep from loving people?”

Kyle looked into Jonathon’s eyes. He felt his alienation and loneliness, and he felt his total powerlessness to fix things. “When you’re thirsty, you want water because a rock is useless.”

Jonathon stared at him. Kyle took a step closer. “But when you want to keep something from blowing away, all the water in the world won’t hold it down.”

These are cliche and sounds like they were written by a screenwriter. I don't feel like people say this in real life unless they're drunk (or school counselors, as a matter of fact, but I digress).

Logic:

Jonathon laughed. When they were undergraduates, Jonathon had actually taken offense at those kinds of remarks. “Kyle? I have a meeting with a National Instruments representative later this morning at eleven—”

“Yes, I’ll be there.”

Jonathon looked up, briefly taken aback. “Hah, I forgot you could finish my sentences. Thanks.”

He didn't actually finish his sentence when he said "Yes, I'll be there." He knew what Jonathon was going to ask, but he didn't finish the sentence, he responded to it.

Show vs. tell:

Jonathon started crying despite his best effort to remain unaffected.

This bit's a little too tell-y for my taste. He's obviously feeling a lot of emotion but I'm not able to visualize his face or movements. His emotion requires perhaps another sentence that displays more?

I agree with Clau about the names. It's hard when they're both guys to use pronouns more than names, but the repetitiveness of the names makes it so, hmm...chunky?

Colleen