an untitled poem

Here's a poem I wrote, it's about me and my boyfriend, he lives in England and I live in America. I hope you enjoy it.




The snow is so pretty this time of year
I wish you could be here
The icicles hanging from the trees
Pure white as far as the eye can see
The flakes are falling down all around
As I’m waiting for the sound
The sound of your heart
That proves we are not apart
I’m caught in a sweet reverie
Of you and me
We are care free with no reason why
Our laughter echoing into the sky
You’re holding my hands so I’m not cold
And looking around there couldn’t be more to behold
The beauty of the winter and your face
Every thing’s okay, everyone is in there place
I fall back making a snow angel with soft wings
Basking in all this life brings
As you pull me up and kiss my red nose
And I feel the tingle down to my toes
I brush the snowflakes from your hair
While I notice your sweet stare
The warmth of your love
And light breaks out above
Then I realize you’re melting away
Like the night disappears at the dawn of day
I’m grasping frantically at anything to hold you here
My thoughts and memories are growing unclear
I’m back to where I started
Crying and down hearted
The snow silently falls
Still no one comes to my calls
The charm of the winter wonderland
Is no longer Godly and grand
It’s icy and cold
Without you too hold

Alright, well.

First off, you have to look at poetry as actual sentences and structure. USE PUNCTUATION, PLEASE! Commas, and periods, and semicolons! You NEED those! Without them, how should I know where to pause? Punctuation is to poetry, like a key is to a map. (What a bad metaphor?) It creates how to read the poem and a certain flow or pattern. Without the punctuation a poem will fall apart. But, this is also an opinion of mine. If your good, you can get away without punctuation. But periods are helpful, no one likes a run on.

Second, I'll take an advice right from fiction. When you write about emotions and want the reader to care about the narrator (in this case, you.) we have to be able to relate to the narrator and feel we are like them. We have to care about them, at least a little bit, before we can begin to feel sad about their current situation as its shown. Otherwise No one really cares your boy is all the way in England, because we are not you and it doesn't matter to us. As blunt as that is...

One other thing, is I think the need to rhyme sort of holds you back and chains you to conform because you HAVE to rhyme, and so the lines don't always come out as good as they could. I think you should use verse/stanzas also, that would clean it up. Try to create rhythm, or have lines be the same number of syllables. Some people can write a poem and get away without having rhythm or rhyme, but in this case it falls over and crumbles a bit because it rests so heavily on rhyming.

Thats really all I have to say about it. Good luck editing! Hope I didn't sound too cruel.

Otherwise No one really cares your boy is all the way in England, because we are not you and it doesn't matter to us.

Thats a bit harsh!

Also the point of a poem is to convince the reader to care. I think it was a good poem, though I do agree with the above that in someplaces it seemed a bit forced. Work on that and you will suddenley have a perfect poem on your hands!

x frm lucy

Aww. How sweet lol.
I mean, I liked the words, and hey, Claudette can't say I can't relate.

Farther away in Scotland is my fiancee, here I am in the US.

I think that it was a very awkward poem though... I mean, there was no punctuation so you couldn't split up the words... and BREATHE.... so it was like trying to read this before I suffocated... I'll start you out:

"The snow is so pretty this time of year,
I wish you could be here.
The icicles hanging from the trees are
Pure, white, as far as the eye can see."

Add in some punctuation and call me back, darling. *HICCUPS*