Derren
/3
‘The lizards that crawled into the crypt would have devoured fresh bones away, he hoped Varzin was wise enough to know that because the skeleton was supposed to be him.’
- The term ‘devoured’ confused me, as that seems to imply that the lizards would have eaten all of the bones, in which case nothing would be left for Varzin to mistake for Derren.
‘Pleased with himself, he sat in the depression and began to pile dirt onto himself until only his head was visible. He then filled the remaining hole up, leaving a tiny crack for air.’
- If only his head was left uncovered, how did he cover it with the dirt? After all, his arms are covered.
‘Surely, Varzin would want to see him so the next time he came he would allow Varzin to believe him dead and then wait for him to leave.’
- I think your comma is in the wrong place. I’d have placed it the first ‘him’.
- ie. ‘Surely Varzin would want to see him, so the next time he came he would allow Varzin to believe him dead and then wait for him to leave.’
‘It was when he obeyed these laws he was most scary, He would rise and become taller, making himself unquestionable.’
- ‘He’ = ‘he’.
- I also feel that ‘scary’ is too weak a word here. ‘Terrifying’ sounds (in my opinion) more appropriate.
‘Another man spoke in a broad southern accent,’
&
‘“We are not familiar with that game in the south preacher.’
- As the South is a location, I believe it should be capitalised.
- Also, in the second quote, you could do with a comma after ‘south’, to separate ‘preacher’ (to make it clear he’s addressing Derren, rather than the game not being known in the ‘South Preacher’).
‘he scriptures contained further instructions and they had been burned.’
- ‘and’ - ‘but’.
‘If either of us guesses his hand then I go free completely.’
- ‘guess’ would read smoother.
Rosin
/1
‘He quietly observed the bored faces of his fellow doctors of the Library below.’
&
‘Rosin went red, he wanted to slap her. He felt the eyes of all the doctors burning into his face.’
&
‘It was empty: the doctors of the Great Library must be still in the lecture theatre on a different topic.’
- Everywhere else you have capitalised ‘Doctors’.
‘Rosin read over the paper again and again. His services had never been questioned before.’
- I don’t think ‘questioned’ is the right word here; it gives the wrong impression.
‘who believed in the empire absolutely. Rosin was different; he didn’t care for the empire although he was obliged to serve it.’
- ‘empire’ = ‘Empire’ (it’s a place).
‘He glanced around, they enjoyed there livelihood.’
- ‘there’ = ‘their’.
‘They were particularly powerful because they were strong, and they had a lot of stamina to use up in the form of magic.’
- I didn’t realise you meant physically strong at first (I thought you meant magically strong) - I think that should be make clear.
^_^
.
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I like that line.
