Real-Life Young Love

This is a poem that tells of a boy,
Shy and retiring, naturally coy,
Love he craved but from attention he shied,
Gave out the opinion he had everything to hide.

This is a poem of a girl with no friends,
Twice she had thought of bringing the end,
A heart that gives love but does not receive,
She doesn't know how to laugh and so she greives.

This is the poem of when they both met,
The girl said nothing, in her ways she was set.
The boy however, found for the first time his voice.
The girl smiled and replied, and inwardly rejoiced.

This is the poem of how they were friends,
Would not seperate for means or for ends,
Shared secrets and jokes, cured eachothers strife,
For them every day was the best of their life.

This is the poem of how it all ended,
Cut of the root, never to be mended
It was an innocent act, though seemed cruel,
Both sent off to a different school.

This is a poem of the real world and so,
Did they meet again? the answer is no,
But even though He knows his chances are slim,
He wishes for her daily, and her for him.

You have fallen into many-a-poets trap.

You have discarded all essence of emotion, story etc.. for a rhyme scheme.

Golden Rule:

POEMS DO NOT HAVE TO RHYME.

If you are passionate about the subject try and rewrite without the rhyme. Because the rhyme killed it.

Phorcys wrote:You have fallen into many-a-poets trap.

You have discarded all essence of emotion, story etc.. for a rhyme scheme.

Golden Rule:

POEMS DO NOT HAVE TO RHYME.

If you are passionate about the subject try and rewrite without the rhyme. Because the rhyme killed it.

Huh?

If anything, (I, personally, think) it takes a lot more skill to write a poem that rhymes. If you ask me, poems should rhyme. How do you even know this would be better without the rhyme?

Sorry, but your comment just strikes me as dumb. How about you review it for what it is, instead of just for what it's not.

Prokaryote

Huh?

If anything, (I, personally, think) it takes a lot more skill to write a poem that rhymes. If you ask me, poems should rhyme. How do you even know this would be better without the rhyme?

Sorry, but your comment just strikes me as dumb. How about you review it for what it is, instead of just for what it's not.

Prokaryote

I basically Agree with Phorcy's, this poem is a perfect example where everything is left out, just to place a rhyming scene. Trust me poetry should not always rhyme and the rhyming doesn't have make a poem better at all. Rhyming to me is very hard especially when you try to fit in the rest, many poets take rhyming as an easy-to-do they have indeed fallen in a trap.

When you've succeeded in filling everything else a poem needs to actually be a poem(structure, descriptions, expressing your theme etc) and then succesfully add up the ryhming, then my lad, then we're talking about something

And please in the future don't critique other people's critiques unless it is very nescesarry, you've said to critique the poem for what is, which you haven't nor have I. Right now I bet we're a real confusion to the author, my appologies for that

Cheerios, Chandni

I disagree. I don't think that the rhyme has choked this poem; it is a bit stretched in some places, but the poem reads like a ballad or something. I enjoyed it. This author has done much better than many rhyming poems I've read. Some make absolutely no sense because the author is trying so darn hard to rhyme. I don't think that a poem has to rhyme; it's the author's choice, and the author's skill at whatever structure he or she chooses will make or break a piece. This one does tell a story, so I commend looby-lou for that.

This is a poem that tells of a boy,
Shy and retiring, naturally coy,
Love he craved but from attention he shied,
Gave out the opinion he had everything to hide.

In the last line, I'd change "everything" to something with two syllables, perhaps "too much".

This is the poem of when they both met,
The girl said nothing, in her ways she was set.
The boy however, found for the first time his voice.
The girl smiled and replied, and inwardly rejoiced.

The last line is really awkward, especially the word "inwardly". I'd rephrase it to something like "The girl smiled, replied, and inside she rejoiced." The voice-rejoice rhyme does sound a tad forced, though.

This is the poem of how they were friends,
Would not seperate for means or for ends,
Shared secrets and jokes, cured each others strife,
For them every day was the best of their life.

All the strife-life rhymes I've seen in my life are slowly forming an army of forced rhymes to kill me in my sleep. Don't make another one.

This is the poem of how it all ended,
Cut of the root, never to be mended
It was an innocent act, though seemed cruel,
Both sent off to a different school.

Second line: perhaps you should switch some words around so it reads "...to never be mended."
Third line: Make it, "It was an innocent act, though seemingly cruel..."

This is a poem of the real world and so,
Did they meet again? the answer is no,
But even though He knows his chances are slim,
He wishes for her daily, and her for him.

You should say "and she for him" because you wouldn't say "her is wishing for him", you'd say "she".

Colleen

I do agree with Prokaryote and cadmium.This poem no where seemed that the rhyming was forced,infact the poem is a good example of a rhyming poem.Well personal opinions do vary.

About the poem I would like to say that the poem was really sweet.

The little mistakes has been pointed out by Cadmiun already and if u follow those i think it will turn out to be a very good piece of work.

About the rhyming only one thing is that 'friends' and 'ends' these two words were rhymed too often so i wish there was something else into it.

It seemed you were totally into the poem,the boy being you.You made the passion come out into it.Infact that is how poets be they imagine themselves into the poem.

Well done!
Keep writing.

Sometimes, a poem's rhyme seems forced, but most of the time it worked really well in this poem.

It didn't have to rhyme, but it sounded good so I wouldn't change it, just because other people say you shouldn't have a rhyming poem. If you think you should explore the rhyme, you do that.

Keep writing!

RR*

Well it was just my opinion - I didn't expect it to lead to a war lol. (sounds like iraq all over again).

Prokayote - Feel free to disagree with me but do not critique my critique. Chandi pretty much said everything else.

Yes indeedy, I think there are emotions in this, look.

This is a poem that tells of a boy,
Shy and retiring, naturally coy,
Love he craved but from attention he shied,
Gave out the opinion he had everything to hide.

This is a poem of a girl with no friends,
Twice she had thought of bringing the end,
A heart that gives love but does not receive,
She doesn't know how to laugh and so she greives.

This is the poem of when they both met,
The girl said nothing, in her ways she was set.
The boy however, found for the first time his voice.
The girl smiled and replied, and inwardly rejoiced.

This is the poem of how they were friends,
Would not seperate for means or for ends,
Shared secrets and jokes, cured eachothers strife,
For them every day was the best of their life.

This is the poem of how it all ended,
Cut of the root, never to be mended
It was an innocent act, though seemed cruel,
Both sent off to a different school.

This is a poem of the real world and so,
Did they meet again? the answer is no,
But even though He knows his chances are slim,
He wishes for her daily, and her for him.

Also,

She doesn't know how to laugh and so she greives.

Should be grieves.

Would not seperate for means or for ends,

Should be separate.

Shared secrets and jokes, cured eachothers strife,

Should be each others.

Other than that, it was good.

Thanks for all comments- didn't expect so much!

I will follow all advice given. However I do not want to edit this poem because it is always good to have an example of what not to do.

However, I do have to disagree with one comment:

Golden Rule:

POEMS DO NOT HAVE TO RHYME.

If you are passionate about the subject try and rewrite without the rhyme. Because the rhyme killed it.

I know poems don't have to rhyme. This does not mean that no poems can rhyme. Just because something does not have to be it does not mean it can not be. Do you see what I'm getting at?

And if the rhyme killed it, then it was dead already. This was meant to be a rhyming poem.

x frm lucy

I think it's really good.You'd never know we were basically the same age and grew up together because I don't know what half of those words mean!
I think that if she wants her poem to rhyme then thats her call.I don't think it would sound right without rhyme.In my opinion rhyme is kind of what makes a poem.If it's done in the right way.I personally don't really like ones that don't rhyme.Rhyme makes it flow together.But that's just me.Each to his own etc.

looby-lou, what we're basically trying to say is that it looks like you've been using forced rhyming to bring your essence forward, which wasn't nescesarry.

Poetry does not have to rhyme, and it seems to me you've put yourself at this point saying: "I have to make this poem rhyme, or else"
Not to mention this topic is over-the-top not original, you've added the forced rhyming scene which just cut it off for me.

Please don't take this as an insult or anything, I'm just trying to make some things clear, and help you in your further writing, such as I have been helped

And Cadmium thanks for giving a great feedback to this poem for what it was you too miss priss

Cheerios, Chandni

Though I hate pushing myself into critique-driven arguments, I find myself writing a reply...

No, it was not the worst thing I have ever read but I sit in agreement with Chandni, it relied too much on rhyme scheme when it didn't need it. I also second the idea that the theme was not original.

But I think what I have to mention now (and I am only guessing) has not been mentioned yet. You referenced the poem itself within the poem, and I didn't like that at all. Rather than show us the poem, you showed us a poem about the poem. I don't like that. Why tell us about the poem? Give us the actual poem. It's my thought (and others may also agree) that you should not reference to what you are writing while you are writing it or if you do, but very careful about it. Because in this case, you never made it to the actual poem (and I am beginning to repeat myself) you just wrote about the poem about the poem.

Like I said, the poem felt like you were hanging too strongly on the rhyme scheme. I suggest you read other poetry, get a feel for how it works and what its about. Go read some stuff by the poets here, we have a lot of good ones around. There are also some tips on how to write poetry, all of it will help.

Don't worry if you start out bad, everything you do leads to improvement.

I don't really have time to do a full critique as of right now, but for now I will say this: SHOW ME Don't TELL ME. This is not a ballad, thus you can't say "Come gather ye children its time that ye learned..." or anything similar. Show me with your words don't just say "x happened, then y, then z"
BORING.

ok,this is starting to annoy me.
1)So what if the topic is not original,if she wants to write about it let her.Why should she have to write about flying sheep or man eating robots just because other people have written about this topic first.
2)You can't just say it's boring or bad.You don't need to.You just say what could help the poem.
3)Stop telling her to completely change the essence of the poem.Don't make it rhyme,tell it differently.It's her writing,she wants it to rhyme and she wants to tell it like that so get over it!

I like it how it is.It fits together well and flows.Some of the rymes aren't the best but rhyming's hard.